Wake County Militia

No Albi...

2009-04-21T14:15:00.005-04:00

As I was walking abouts in Cameron Village today, I realized something. I realized that I am way to ugly and untrendy to be shopping in Cameron Village. It is a gorgeous day today in my fair city and the shoppers and diners in the Village are dressed to impress. Sexy lil’ skirts for the ladies and oxford shirts with the sleeves rolled up (it says, “I am all about business and my business is giving you the business and business is gooooooood.”). I am wearing my work clothes, which consists of a ratty old pair of brown shorts and a Buccaneers T-shirt. I felt out of place. It made me think of places that you really never see attractive people. And if you do, then you think there must be something wrong with them. Here some place I thought of:

FAST FOOD JOINTS: Specifically McDonald’s and Burger King. You get them at Wendy’s, but I really don’t know why. I understand why you don’t see attractive people here. It is greasy food that will make you even more so ugly and fat. Also, as a rule of thumb attractive people usually have a bit more money and can afford to eat someplace else. I also am willing to bet they do not cut out Burger King coupons and keep them in their wallet like a fast food junkie condom. Not that I do that. I put them in my money clip.

THE BUS: This goes back to the previous statement about money, kind of. I rode the bus this summer when gas price when up to Chinese baby prices. It really sucked. I had to leave an hour earlier than usual. I had less time for grooming and it really showed. I never once showed to work without at minimum of a 5 o’clock shadow. However, I still managed to look a bit better than my bus mates. I pray the price of oil keeps tumbling, because I do not want to go back to that pee-pee soaked heck hole.

THE PUBLIC LIBRARY: This goes back to the money situation as well. I remember tell a friend, who is attractive, about a book I had just read. She responded by saying that she’d go out and buy it. I inquired why not just borrow it from the library or buy it used (Whaddup, Nice Price Books). She said she doesn’t like having to worry about other people’s notes and dog-ears. She likes to do them herself. I though that was part of the benefit of used books. That is what they said about all those textbooks from college. I find the penis that was drawn on page 42 of Waiting for the Barbarians was most beneficial to me understanding humans and their appetite for cruelty to their fellow man.

FOOD LION: Again, money is a big key to why I never see any hot pieces of sexiness at Food Lion. If you go to Harris Teeter on a Sunday night, then you’ll see it is like Melrose Place in there. Now, not all Food Lions are full of ugly folks. The one down Avent Ferry Rd. usually has some good-looking colleges kids in there. However, the Food Lion off of Method Road will cancel even the bubbliest of college chicks out. It is a filthy store and no one in there is even speaking English. They are not just speaking Spanish, too. It sounds as though they are speaking in tongues. It is like walking through an outdoor market in Calcutta. I half expect some one to be bleeding a goat when I get out of the cereal aisle. I usually wash my hands in boiling water when I get home.

An Outer View of My Interview...

2008-12-11T15:26:00.003-05:00

I had an interview for a job yesterday. I won't say where, but it is not my dream job. My dream job is to be a manager of a company that test to see how drunk you can get on certain beers. A goon can dream, can't he? It is a fairly basic job, so the interview was fairly basic. They gave me a list of questions to answer. One of them was about what my reaction would be to seeing a co-worker using my coffee mug to water the plants. Then, after asking them to use something else, you see them do it again. My answer was that I would just take my coffee mug home. This was probably not the best answer as it pegs me as being passive aggressive, when we all know I am aggressive aggressive. In a perfect world I would've written:

Why the hell would I care that some chick (like a dude would water plants) is using my mug to water plants? It just water. Also, I don't even drink coffee. I chug Mountain Dew to get me going. Now if that bitch touch a can of Mountain Dew to give to those fucking plants, then you best to buh-lieve that it is on like Susan Sarandon!

But, I really need this job, so I just kept my answer and moved on.

Now that is what I call a "Full House"

2008-11-25T15:12:00.002-05:00

As I was doing some research on how to properly spell Dave Coulier's name (Don't ask) I came across this picture of Jodie Sweetin. While all the world care about is the Olsen Sister, this girl has been out there battling meth, getting pregnant, getting divorced, and looking ridiculously hot at the opening of something called the "Pink Taco". I am not sure what that is, but it sounds like I want to be apart of it. Keep it up, Jodie.

Search Me

2008-11-06T14:19:00.002-05:00

I have been going over a lengthy list of search engine keywords on how people come to Wake County Militia. My biggest hit come from people punching in "panda" with nearly three hits. However, there are some more interesting ones. "Militia sluts" might be my favorite. Just because that guy look for it, I am going to have to do a post on militia sluts. It should be a good 'un.

How ya feelin', Rochester?

2008-11-05T13:05:00.001-05:00

iTalk about iTunes...

2008-10-31T12:46:00.000-04:00

Here is a fun lil’ one to play with your iTunes with. Go on and organize your iTunes by number of plays. If you are like me (and if you are like me, then I weep for you), then you have never reset your play counter. These ar your top 25. Fuck Billboard! I SAID FUCK BILLBOARD! DO IT! So here is Rochester’s Top 25 with their play counts:

25. Too Young – Phoenix (37 PLAYS)

24. Fat Not Flat – Juan Huevos (38 PLAYS)

23. Huddle Formation – The Go! Team (38 PLAYS)

22. My Dick – Mickey Avalon (39 PLAYS)

21. Patty Lee – Les Savy Fav (39 PLAYS)

20. Mer De Japon – Air (39 PLAYS)

19. Stanley Kubrick – R.A. The Rugged Man (40 PLAYS)

18. What Would Wolves Do? – Les Savy Fav (40 PLAYS)

17. Hong Kong Garden – Siouxsie & The Banshees (42 PLAYS)

16. Look At This Face – Handsome Boy Modeling School (42 PLAYS)

15. Will You Return? – The Avett Bros. (42 PLAYS)

14. Spit Boxers – Thirstin’ Howl III (43 PLAYS)

13. Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (43 PLAYS)

12. Little Eyes – Yo La Tengo (44 PLAYS)

11. Incest – Juan Huevos (44 PLAYS)

10. Someone Great – LCD Soundsystem (46 PLAYS)

9. Martin Scorsese – King Missile (48 PLAYS)

8. The W.A.N.D. – The Flaming Lips (49 PLAYS)

7. Fuck The Pain Away – Peaches (50 PLAYS)

6. The City (EV Remix) – The Dismemberment Plan (51 PLAYS)

5. No Cars Go – The Arcade Fire (51 PLAYS)

4. Dre Day – Dr. Dre (52 PLAYS)

3. Slugs in the Shrubs – Les Savy Fav (57 PLAYS)

2. This Must Be The Place – Talking Heads (58 PLAYS)

1. Nu Autobahn – Future Islands (104 PLAYS)

You know how you are always saying we don’t do things together? Which you know is a lie, because we went to Denny’s like twice last week. That’s something. Well, why don’t you go on and do this? Come on, how hard can it be?

Craigslist? More Like Rochesterlist

2008-10-29T15:32:00.003-04:00

So, I am perusing the latest want ad on craigslist today and come across this. I was shocked. I didn't realize I had put his thing up. I mean, I just lost one of my jobs so how could I pay them $400 to pose for my "catalog"? Most of the clothes in this catalog I am sure are cut-off shorts and baby girl track shorts. Also, to emphasize the clothes I am willing to bet that they need to rub salad dressing on there legs, for the clothes, of course.

Our economy is a joke...

2008-10-28T15:47:00.002-04:00

There is nothing I love more that all those commercials that make light of the fact that our economy sucks lawn jockeys. Oh, our dollar isn't worth shit. That's for reminding me McDonald's. Gas is so expensive. Ha! Ha! Good one, Crossroads Ford. I mean, it offends me as a smart ass and as an American. Let me try it out on this story. (Ed. Note: If you have a job in the state of Michigan, then it must be as a unicorn. Jesus!)

*cough* *ahem* Well, at least when they go home after be laid off they get rest up in their hot tubs. Thank you. Please remember to tip your waitress and I'll be at Colonel Ha-ha in Akron next week. Good night every body.

Life imitates Art

2008-10-28T11:59:00.002-04:00

As some of you might have read, I am not really doing so hot mentally. Things have not really been going my way and I spent a little Rochester time today thinking about things. I decided to rely fictional characters that resemble me in some way, because I do not want any of you in my head. And you probably do not want to be in there either (Ed. Note: There is a lot of porn and a lot of Simpson quotes. After that, it gets kind of scary.) Here is a short list:

1. Daniel Plainview: Now, I don't think I will ever kill a false prophet in my basement bowling alley after making him renounce God. I do kind of a agree with a handful of Plainview's ideas. "There are times when I look at people and see nothing worth liking." That is so true. I like only a truly select few people. And most others just piss me off at how stupid and worthless they are or can be. Also, my own mother thought of me when she saw the movie. Thanksgiving should be fun this year.

2. Cartmen: I don't think I am like Cartmen because we are both fat asses. I think I am like Cartmen because he has a group of friends that you cannot ever really figure out why they are friends with him. I sometimes, for the life of me, wonder why on God's green Earth do some people want to hang out with me. J-Bizz gave me this comparison years ago. Both Cartmen and myself would be classified by our scientific name Homo sapien dickheadis majorae.

3. Charlie Kelly: If you have ever watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then you could totally see how I could relate to Charlie. He is the perennial whipping boy of the crew and yet he always seems to get back up again. He may seem like a loser, but I find his resilience refreshing.

Who else are we missing?

Yup, still down and out in Wake County

2008-10-24T13:35:00.004-04:00

When my buddy, Big Series, saw Rudy Ray Moore live in Chicago, Rudy Ray came in through the audience. He handed out roses to all the ladies (Ed. note: SMOOTH) and then he gave a certain number of them pins. On those pins it simple read, "This Pussy Belongs To Me". Big Series's girlfriend was one of the lucky ones to get one of those pins. She wore it with pride. I made a promise to myself that I could only be with a woman who would be able to wear a similar pin with pride and glory. I still hold that belief even to this day. Maybe that might be why I now feel like this:

Worst Week Ever?

2008-10-23T09:00:00.003-04:00

This is becoming all too familiar to me at this point. Let's recap:

Rudy Ray Moore died.

Someone decided to step all over my mind and balls (this is all too familiar as well).

I am getting two teeth drilled today.

I didn't get a job I thought I was a lock for at Yep Roc.

I am getting laid off at my temping job. I just have to find another way to get $500 a month now.

How much fucking longer can I do this shit? Not much. This barely makes me feel any better. "No shit, baby"

Still kind of hurts...

2008-10-22T13:52:00.002-04:00

I am going to try and put up a different album cover each day this week to remember Rudy Ray Moore. I found $2o and then $5 on the ground yesterday. It should've lifted my spirits. It did not. It was like this song was playing in my head all f#cking day. I just walked around with my head down, kicking acorns and junk. I was feeling really crappy. Then, Evans2Betsy calls to tell me that her new roommate was a Cambodian war refugee. I had no idea and I had been making all sorts of Pol Pot and Khmer Rogue joke for the better part of a couple of weeks. Needless to say, this has been a tough couple of days for me.

Rudy Ray Moore: A Life Remembered

2008-10-21T14:04:00.002-04:00

Rudy Ray Moore died today. And anyone who knows me, knows this is a pretty big blow to me and my life. Just the other day I had the tags on my car renewed. They have something to do with Rudy Ray Moore character of Dolemite. The black lady at the DMV muttered under her breath, "What do you know about about Dolemite?" I made a pretty big scene. Going back and forth with movies and quotes. It made the other DMV worker laugh. I then pointed to my belt, in which is inscribed simply "DOLEMITE". They both just laughed their asses off.

Rudy Ray Moore was first introduced to me and my friends back on my 16th birthday. We had the 1st ever Rudy Ray Moore Film Festival. We watched all of his films in a single night. It changed all of our lives and perspectives on things. It was a hell of a thing to do to a group of upper-middle class white kids in the middle of NC. Every year we tried to meet for my birthday and do it all over again. We had roughly 6 film festivals in all. J-Bizz came to some of them and he spread the word of Rudy Ray to his friends in Athens, GA. Once I was hanging out with one of the aforementioned friends who broke out a, "Bitch, are you for real?" I jump up and gave one of the hardest high five I have ever given. I will miss Rudy Ray Moore and I will miss his franchise as well. I hope he is able to keep the angels in line in heaven. And God, remember he don't wear no cotton draws.

Better Know A Brewer

2008-10-03T14:48:00.003-04:00

As the Brewers are now down 0-2 against the Phillies. I thought it might be nice for you to meet a Brewer before he goes back to his horrible life of money, slutty women, and playing catch for a living. Meet Seth McClung:

Hey ya'll I am Seth McClung. Old number 73. My teammates call me 'Set-Up Seth'. I like nicknames. I call Prince Fielder, Prince 'In' Fielder, because he is an infielder. I look exactly like Rochester when he was in shape. But not like 'high school' in shape. But like the kind of in shape that if he would just stop drinking so much and eating Hot Pockets in his boxers while watching 'Kate & Allie' and maybe go for a brisk walk or a nice hike. 'Cause I know I got a bit of a gut, but that just comes with age. Oh well, time to go throw 89 mph and prey my shoulder doesn't explode. I hope Rochester is listening.

Suck it, McClung. (Ed. Note: If you read the wiki on McClung it says, "...his nickname 'Big Red' began to stick on account of his stature and pitching command and velocity. Yeah that makes sense. Not because he is a husky red-head. WHO WRITES THAT CRAP?)

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids...

2008-09-26T14:51:00.001-04:00

Once a douchebag...

2008-09-24T13:18:00.004-04:00

...always a douchebag. As some of may know, I went to high school with one of the biggest losers. No, I don't mean loser as in "Man, Rochester what's with all the Barbie dolls in their original packaging? You are the biggest loser." (Ed. Note: I can believe a hooker would say such a thing.) I mean, she is a contestant on "The Biggest Loser". Anyhow after pod casting over at Buddy Randolph's, I went to the Crunkleton to watch it with a friend. I did not know that it was going to be an impromptu high school reunion. I stayed in the back and tried to fly under the radar, but this did not work. Can't a giant red-head with a beard hide anymore? This guy, let's call him Josh V. No, that doesn't work. Let's call him J. VanDerPuy. No, that's too vague. Josh VanDerPuy was the dude's name. I was not friends, associate, or acquaintances with this dude. Last time we even spoke to each other was when he kicked my in the back of my calf for not reason during soccer practice in the 4th grade. I don't hold grudge though, because I don't even remember that little shit who stole my green Voltron action figure in the 2nd grade. YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER, MOTHER FUCKER!

Any who, Josh is handing out superfluous high five and comes to me. I try to leave him hanging, but my momma didn't raise me like that. Here is the chit-chat:

JOSH: You live here?
ROCHESTER: No, I live in Raleigh.
JOSH: Same thing.
ROCHESTER: (fire fills eyes) What did you say?
JOSH: It's the same thing. Just like here and Asheville.
ROCHESTER: Start running.

Okay so the last part didn't happen, but the other parts are true. What in the world is this shovelfuck talking about? Raleigh is the same as Chapel Hill? Or Asheville? Okay, so it might be a little similar to Asheville, but not the great City of Oaks. I had nothing but murderous rage in my heart when I heard such a statement. I really hope it is another 20 years until we talk again, VanDerPuy. And we wonder why I hate the Dutch.

Are you there, God? It's me. Rochester.

2008-09-20T16:18:00.002-04:00

First NC State beats ECU in dramatic fashion, then this happens. Looks like someone decided to put our differences behind us and start looking towards a better life. A better life hopefully with out DJ AM and Travis Barker. Thanks, Big Guy.

PS Sorry about the other four though.

Please, just go already...

2008-09-18T14:47:00.002-04:00

I was a-working last night and some old woman came in and axed if she could use our bathroom. I grunted and pointed her the way to the bathroom and she said, "Thanks, you are saving my life."

This might be the last thing in the world I want to here when I let a someone use the bathroom. Bitch, just use it and go. The only thing I can think of worse than that would be if she said, "I don't know what it is about public restrooms that make me so f*cking horny." Douche chills!

Hey, girl. Ya hungry?

2008-09-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

So that's over...

2008-08-29T13:27:00.004-04:00

I really don't give two hot pockets about the Democrapic National Convention. The media talks about how it changed everyone perspective on Barry Obama and energized the party. This is total malarkey. Everyone knows who they are going to vote for by now and nothing from here until November 8th is going to change that. Nothing. Hillary's girls are not going to vote for McCain. And there is no such thing as an independent voter. An independent voter is just someone who doesn't like hearing all this hockey about how each candidate is worse than the other. With that being said, I want to pick on Michelle Obama's appearances and add no political commentary. In other words, I wanna be a bitch.

Girl, tease that hair up all you want. You ain't hiding that fivehead (that is bigger than a forehead).
What's wrong with your mouth? Girl, you chewing tobacco? You ain't gotta do that to attract redneck voters.
Leave your little girls back stage. I don't need to see all that sixhead and sevenhead.

Watch out, this Rochester kitten has claws.

God, I miss Firetruck...

2008-08-20T15:24:00.003-04:00

Why don't you just leave Michael Chang and come back to Rochester. You know what they say, "Once you go Rochester, then you should probably see a doctor. And not just a medical doctor, a psychiatrist is probably in order for you, too." It sound much more lyrical in its original Albanian.

I hate sports...

2008-08-14T12:29:00.003-04:00

I figured since I did a lengthy post about how awesome I thought my rotisserie baseball draft went, that I might as well do a follow up on it. This is the trophy I am fighting for every year. I designed it, so let's call it the Rochester Cup. Believe it or not, my team is solidly in third...from the bottom. I should've just paid a hooker $60 to kick me in the balls (and I have). I would've gotten the same results. Let's recap my draft again:

Luis Castillo ($6): He is hitting . 261 with 13 SB's and 42 R's. This is not too bad for the price or the position. The problem is he is hold and he gets hurt all the damn time. I had to pick up Ronnie "Re" Belliard to fill the holes that he leaves all the time. I am willing to bet that the clubhouse showers has a rail in it so Luis doesn't slip and break his hip in there. RATING: B-

R. Pauilino ($1): Not enough AB's and didn't do much with them when he had them. Kind of like me with my looks. I dropped him for Jason Kendal and then I dropped him for Kelly Shoppach. I wish Misty May would take my example and drop Matt Treanor for me. RATING: F

G. Maddux ($11): Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one. 1 out of 4 starts he looks like a stud. It is those 3 other starts that'll get you. However, my league is so deep that I'll take any of the starters I can get. So... RATING: D+

R. Sexson ($10): Um, I believe I just said, "Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one." He was on pace for 30 HR, I was not wrong with that one, but he was also on pace to hit .190 on the worst team in the AL. Then the Yankees picked him up so now I have a $10 pinch hitter on my team who might hit a HR every other night if Giambi need to wax his mustache in the bottom of the 6th. Yikes! RATING: D-

T. Gordon ($10): I needed him at the time. I never expected to keep him past when Lidge came back. He was an answer to a question that no one asked. I just kind of wish I didn't spend that mcuh money on him. I dropped him, so I still kind of have that money for next year now. Not bad. RATING: B-

Jack Cust ($15): He is a lot like Sexson. Big on HR's (20) but little on average (.221). He can bash it, but when he slumps...look out! OF's are in short supply in my league. I doubt, that I'll keep him until next year. So, gimme my HR's, but no eye contact, Jack. RATING: C+

Lyle Overbay ($4): He has slumped that last month, but was hitting around .280 for a little bit. He isn't hitting for average, but gets a lot of AB's and has a bunch of H's. I saved a bunch of money on him and still stand by my pick. RATING: C

David DeJesus ($12): Been playing very well for the upstart Royals OF. He is hitting .290 with the occasional HR. Not bad, but my lineup needs a lot more then that. A good value pick. RATING: B

Tony A. Pena ($5): Not really getting the save yet. I guess in my reliever crazy league this may turn out to be a good pick next year. Ho-hum. RATING: C-

Rick VandenHurk ($9): Optioned to the minors by Marlins. Dropped from my team. That's what happens when you trust the Dutch. RATING: F

Overall, my rating of the draft was a D+. Better cut some wait and make some better moves for next year.

Panda-monium

2008-07-30T13:04:00.003-04:00

As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"

They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.

In closing, pandas can suck it. Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.

Older and Bolder...

2008-07-23T13:36:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I have a new ambition of trying to put up a top five list at least once a week. It may not seem all that bold, but when you look at the number of posts I am banging out, it just might. So, here is my top five older and bolder ladies. They are older 40 and still banging. Here we go:

5. Stacy Dash: She is on "Celebrity Circus" doing just crazy stunts! She also get gets bonus points for being in Clueless. However she gets negative points for having a teen aged son. I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked (and I would, too) to take a run at her.

4. Diane Lane: She just gets better with age and she has a higher chance of taking her clothes off now. What a delightful combination.

3. Joely Richardson: Admittedly she can be hit or miss. However, she is really hot on Nip/Tuck and that is what I see her on the most. Bonus for kissing a chick. I hope to do that one day.

2. Kelly Rowan: She is a total Matt pick, but whatevs. She was one of the sole reasons I watched "The O.C." for as long as I did. F#ck that exoskeleton Misha Barton (side note: How does a stick figure girls have a backside like this? That does not make sense!)

1. Jennifer Tilly: I heard this and I nearly plottzed. She'll be 50 in September. WHA! She'll be 50 and she already looks 10 years young that I do. Sure she doesn't pickle herself in Miller High Life and Bulleit Whiskey , but still. Also she and Gina Gershon in Bound made be want to piss off a mobster and take his money. Instead I just stole some quarters from my dad's piggy bank and hoped for the best.

So what's your top 5?

Thank You, Satan!

2008-07-15T11:48:00.002-04:00

Oh thank you, Dark Lord! This is truly one of your greatest gifts. I would have gone to the Big Guy upstairs but he is waaaaay too busy killing off people who actually contribute something to the world. I know people always say be careful what you wish for, but this time I can see no flaw. No more Billy Packer. No more watching games and screaming at the TV, "Shut it, Packer!" There is no possible way this could backfire. It is nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

"Ya'll betta ax someboday!"

Dammit!

"Remember Me?"

2008-07-07T14:50:00.003-04:00

Hi, I am Jordana Brewster. I am really hot and I haven't been in anything in over two years. Sounds like Rochester, at least the not being in anything in two years part. Ha Ha! LOLers! It is not because I am picky. I mean, I was in some of the worst movies made the millennium. The Fast and The Furious? Annapolis? Yup, that was me. And according to imdb.com, I am penciled to do the fourth installment of the The Fast and The Furious. I think they should call it The Fast and The Furious: 4 Some Reason. See that, I am clever, too. Well, just letting all of you normal folk, or as we call you in the Beautiful People's Club, Uggies, know that sexy people make mistakes, too. I am sure you could make a long list of them. Now I am off to SkyBar to ignore Matt Dillon. Why is he still there?

Like a dog with a bone...

2008-06-25T10:53:00.004-04:00

So, I had a little problem of trying to think of a joke for a punchline. I think most comedians have the problem the other way a round. Not that I think I am a comedian. I am just an asshole who thinks he is funny. And we all know that is waaaaaaay better. So Funny McJokerstein thought it would be good if I could make up the joke but make sure it includes Nazis. Mel Brooks always said there is nothing funnier than Nazis. So here we go:

So Himmler and Gobbels are in the bunker towards then end of the second World War. And because one they were bored, two they were kind of gay, three they were cold, and four they were hungry, they were playing a rousing game of ookie cookie. Hitler walked into the bunker and saw what was a-going on and decided to join in. At which point Himmler looked around and said, "Hey, this circle jerk is turning into a total sausage fest."

ZING! That works! Special thanks to Salvador Dali on this one.

Like a dog without a bone...

2008-06-23T14:25:00.002-04:00

I was just thinking of this on Friday and I couldn't stop laughing. It is a punchline to a joke or a skit, but I can't really make up one around it. I am sure everyone goes through this from time to time. I am just going to give it to you and maybe you can think up the scenario. Kewl? Kewl.

"This circle jerk has turned into a total suasage fest."

It is gross, I know, but you know it is kind of funny.

"My lawyahs is talkin' to day lawyahs"

2008-06-20T08:15:00.002-04:00

Huh? I think if I made a drinking game up with every time the "Evil Pimp" (side note: That's rather redundant. Isn't smacking women and keeping them in sexual slavery evil enough?) says, "Ya know what I am saying?" you take a shot, then you'd be snickerface in the first 30 seconds of the video.

Is that your Christain name?

2008-06-09T17:58:00.002-04:00

I was watching "Cops" this afternoon and they were filming in Jersey City. It was so far away from being as good as it could've been. However, there was an Italian cop who had the best name ever! What was it? I got to go all artsy for this one:

Arsenio Ferrari

Awesome.

VH-YES!

2008-06-02T16:03:00.002-04:00

I was over at With Leather today and saw this post. I was not blown away by the video. Why? Because I own that on VHS. It is pretty damn awesome though. The beginning has a claymation version of Red spinning a basketball on his hand. I guess, Pixar killed the whole claymation concept. Assholes. It also features a segment where Red makes fun of Pistol Pete's excessive use of the crossover dribble. Oh and I still have and use my VHS player. Blue-Ray is for people who drive hybrids or decided to go into debt to watch TV.

Joe Cool

2008-05-23T14:57:00.002-04:00

I don't have a real train of thought at any moment in my life. It's like a dog and a cat are fighting in my head most of the time. That's one reason I drink. The drinking stops the fighting and sometimes it might kill a few cats and dogs. So last week when I on vacation, the cat and dog were fighting again. Then, this came out of my mouth, "If I were an eccentric millionaire, I would own a camel." *meow* *meow* *arf* *bark*

Then had all these ideas of living in some random little town in New England and I ride my camel to the town tavern. It seems completely insane, but I did a little research on it. It is totally feasible. Camels are anywhere from $3000 to $5000. Which, if you take into account how much I made last year, might as well be a $1,000,000. But, when I am old and retired from whatever I wind up doing, I am totally doing it. Oh and I am totally going Bactrian. Why? Because Bactrians Camels do it with two humps. SHIT! THAT'S GOING TO BE THE T-SHIRT I WEAR ON MY CAMEL!

'What do you mean, 'You people'?"

2008-05-19T16:25:00.001-04:00

YES!

Richard, Richard, Richard.

2008-05-11T18:08:00.002-04:00

As I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall a couple weeks ago, I thought "Oh ho ho! I can see Jason Segal's penis. That is very funny." Then, I saw Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the trend of see in male genitalia continues. I guess, penises have stopped being so ugly and become funny all of a sudden. I know that I have had the experience of women laughing when they see mine, so that kind of explains why people were laughing when they saw penises in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story. That's what I tell myself. Then, I tell myself, "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right." *sigh*

Is there a draft in here?

2008-04-28T15:56:00.004-04:00

First off, how weird does Matt Ryan look? Did you notice when he talked his jaw didn't move, but the top part of his head did? Hmmm...

Separated at birth? I think so. Let me copy 3000 and look at how my boys did:

1/20: Aqib Talib, CB Kansas: He sounds ethnic and you all know how I feel about that. This was a good pick. I am sick of people saying the Bucs needed a WR. There were no WR who deserved to be picked in the 1st round this year. They were a veritable who's who of 3rd options on a college team. He is big for a CB and without Brain Kelly or Dwight Smith (please come home, Dwight) we need more depth in the secondary. Nice pick.
2/58: Dexter Jackson, WR, Appalachain State: I bet J-Mo can't wait to say something to me about this. And I am sure once his fiancee allows him to look at the interweb or the sports section he'll let me have it. Jackson is fast, but he hasn't really played in a system like a John Gruden offense. Just saying one of his plays is like a really shitty tongue twister.
3/83: Jeremy Zuttah, OG, Rutgers: I can only hope this guy turns out like any of the offensive linemen we have gotten in the past three year. Ew, but Zuttah? That's a bit ethnic, too. Where are the Smith and Jones when you need them.
4/115: Dre Moore, DT, Maryland: I hate this pick. Mainly because I hate all things Maryland. I can't even eat crab cakes anymore. This guy has 4th round disappointment written all over him. He got it done at the same tattoo parlor Merriman goes to. LIGHTS OUT!
5/160: Josh Johnson, QB, San Diego: This was kind of a mistake by Gruden. he actually though he was getting a journeyman back-up QB from the San Diego Chargers. He'll have to spend time with the other 6 QB's we have on our roster until he has matured into an old bitter disappointment. I am sure Brain Griese can help him out. Good old fashioned American name though.
6/175: Geno Hayes, OLB, Florida State: He is kind of small, but he comes from a great LB system. And playing a year under Chuck Amato only helped him (Wait, did I just type that?). He'll take a couple of season, but I think he is an amazing value pick this late in the draft.
7/238: Cory Boyd, RB, South Carolina: Spurrier RB's in the NFL? Well, there is....um....what about? Wait, there was that one guy....no...that's not it. At least this guy has off the field problems. I am sure Michael Pittman can teach him how to hit his with with an SUV or something.

I give Tampa Bay a B-/C+.

Now for the Pack in the draft, and this really shouldn't take long:

3/82: DaJuan Morgan, S, Kansas City Chiefs: He is really fast, but not the best of tacklers. He would've benefited staying around another year. I understand why he left, being that Tom O'Brien doesn't have much need for the leftovers of an Amato secondary, but he needed another year. He now gets to renew his old Madden rivalry with Oliver Hoyte and Tank Tyler. I am sure that was on the Chiefs mind when that drafted him.
5/114: DeMario Pressley, DT, New Orleans Saints: He is loaded with talent. He had two really acrobatic INTs that past year. However, he has a hard time staying healthy. He will benefit by playing in New Orleans as I find them to have a good core of D-Linemen. Not a bad pick for the 5th round.

I am woman hear me roar.

2008-04-21T16:59:00.004-04:00

From this picture, it looks like Danica's crew team was excited about the victory, too.

Decision 2008!

2008-04-15T11:56:00.002-04:00

Which one is better?
A. Unicorn humping dolphin?

B. "Where's Waldo?" Bhudda?

Like Puff Daddy said, "Vote or Die."

The Dugout

2008-04-14T16:02:00.002-04:00

3000 turned me on to "The Dugout" not too long ago and, I may be jumping the gun, but it may be the best thing ever written since the Holy Bible. I am gonna give Nick Dallamora a link and get rid "Celeutaint" the old heave-ho. That dude hasn't posted a pic since November. How hard can it be to put up a see-thru pic of Lindsay Lohan or Tyne Daly getting out of the bath tub covered in tiny sexy bubbles? Enjoy.

On the Aisle with Rochester

2008-04-10T14:36:00.004-04:00

So, I rented Babel the other night. It was all right and I really wanted to do a post about it. I sat down with a notepad and started writing notes on it, because my brain, well, she no work so good. I decided that the notes are the best way to show how the movie was for me. Also, there are spoilers in the notes, just so you know:

Great another movies starting with an Arab buying a gun. Way to be original.
A Mexican house keeper taking care of some rich dude kids. I am starting to see a crappy trend in the movie.
A deaf Japanese girl. Shit, how long until Sean Penn playing a retard shows up?
Oh, the kids are mean to the deaf Japanese girl and SNAP! DID SHE JUST FLASH HER STUUF?! SNAP! SHE DID IT AGAIN!
Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are having couples problems. You know what would help guys? Cate Blanchett should show her stuff.
I wonder what the Japanese girl is doing when Brad Pitt or that Mexican housekeeper is on screen. Does she think about me?
Oh, look whose back. The deaf Japanese girl. I wonder if she'll YUP! SHE JUST FLASHED IT AGAIN! I am moving to Japan.

(Then I fall asleep for an hour.)

I wake up just in time for the deaf Japanese girl to throwing herself naked at some dude. AMAZING!

I slept through half of it, but with graphic nudity I give it two and half stars out of four.

Hey Rochester!

2008-04-04T14:06:00.003-04:00

"How do you feel about Tyler Hand-bag, now?"

Yup, still gay.

Come on, White Jesus...

2008-03-28T14:19:00.003-04:00

What is a matter, God? Is this how you get your jollies? The founder of Popeye's Chicken died this week and then God goes all Killy McGee and takes the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, too. With all the totally deserving douche bags in the world, why take these two truly great men? If the founder of T.J. Cinnamon's (Pecan Sticky? WOW!) dies tomorrow, then I am going to seriously look at my religious affiliation.

The King and I

2008-03-26T17:11:00.003-04:00

So there seems to be a stink about Lebron James and Gisele's cover for Vogue. 3000 and I have been talking about this for the longest time. WHY DO ATHLETES NOT HAVE P.R. GUYS? There was Portis and his pro-dog fighting last year. Then, there was Micheal Vick's lawyer and his "spring training" comment to the media, which might have been only second to Drew Rosenhausenfeldgoldman's apology on behalf of Terrel Owens. With that being said, how is it possibly that the one of the top athletes in the world can allow this cover to go through and not even think about the ramifications? I think one of the worst things about it is the fact that it is the first time a black man has ever appeared on Vogue and this is what they come up with. Real nice.

I Own You, Luis Castillo.

2008-03-10T16:36:00.001-04:00

I had my rotisserie baseball auction this past Sunday. And I think I did fine, but not awesome. This is the 6th year in a keeper based salary cap league. There are 14 teams in it, so players in general are short. The closest I have ever finished to the top was 6th place in the league's third year. My team's name was "Crazy Legs Santo". How deliciously off color! Here is a little recap of my picks. I had 11 positions and $118 to spend. I was in the middle of the pack as far as money was concerned.

Luis Castillo ($6): I needed a 2nd baseman and he has been amazing consistent every year. This is actually his third go round on my teams. I got him for about $10 less dollars then I thought he would go for. I was pretty excited. But it was the 1st hour of the auction.
R. Pauilino ($1): Not the best catcher available, but extremely cheap. And from what I have read about him he really wants to play better this year. He lost 15 pounds in the off season. Not steroid pounds, just Frankie May pounds. I got a dirt cheap catcher and at this point I am way below what I thought I would have to spend. I have 9 players and $111 to spend.
G. Maddux ($11): Yes, he is old. Yes, he doesn't get K's like he used to. However, he gets W's, has a low WHIP, and gets to pitch in PETCO for half of his starts. This is his second stint on the Wake County Militia. I expect him to not suck and just be solid.
R. Sexson ($10): I had just lost out in a heated bidding war to get Travis Hafner. I got all the way up to $42 and just could go any higher. I needed a corner infielder and took Sexson based on reports that they are trying to shorten his swing. He should be good for HRs, but I know his average is going to suck. That being said, $10 for a guy who has 30-40 HR potential is pretty good.
T. Gordon ($10): My league is crazy for closers. Eric Gagne went for something like $25. Joe Nathan went for $30+. I have Brad Lidge on my team, but he is shaky at best ever since Albert Poo-Holes hit a HR that hit Brad Lidge's car in Tropicana Field's parking lot. Also, Lidge is banged up for the start of the season. This was a no brainier insurance pick.
Jack Cust ($15): J.D. Drew had just went for $20 dollars. I needed an OF pretty bad, because Alou is hurt for a month and most likely will be hurt again. Jose Guillen is suspended for the first 15 games. The need was crucial. Cust hit 26 HR last year and just turned 28. He is solid, but not outstanding. I like this pick.
Lyle Overbay ($4): He has been on my team every year. I released him before the draft because He was going to be $30+. He is not worth that much. So, I through him out into the FA field. He hit .240 last year, but was a pretty consistent .300 the three years before that. With Vernon Wells hopefully coming back and with Scott Rolen in that lineup. I expect him to come on back to form. Cheap, too.
David DeJesus ($12): It is the 4th hour of the auction and I am getting bored as hell. I needed another OF and at this point DeJesus was the best available. My other backups on my team are Johnny Gomes and Chris Duffy. They are good player who are not guaranteed playing time. I needed a guaranteed player. DeJesus is playing for the Royals this year. I could see them being a nice offensive team and putting an 70 win season up. He should be good for average and the randoms steal.
Tony A. Pena ($5): A young closer for the Diamondbacks. I think people were running out of money and just didn't want to risk it for an unproven closer. He throw hard and Arizona is a decent team. I consider this the steal of the draft.
Felipe Lopez ($15): The SS pickings were super slim. I lost out on Furcal and the draft was coming to a close. I needed a SS so bad I could taste it. That taste? Felipe Lopez. I thought, "He wasn't as good a Zendon Hamilton, but what the heck." He was an All-Star two years ago until he start playing for Nationals at Sirhan Sirhan Stadium. The new field should help his numbers. I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money. So, out comes the wallet.
Rick VandenHurk ($9): A f*cking Dutchman! I needed a back up SP and I was looking at Daniel Cabrera. That should've been a warning to me that 5 hours is too long for a baseball auction. This kid that I was picking on most of the past six season put this name out there for $1. I was bored, tired, and felt like being a dick so I outbid him. I had no idea who he was. I did some research on him and I kind like him. He is a little young, but when you look at someone like Matt you realize that the Dutch age really quickly. You have to use them really quickly, before they expire. Again, I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money.

Five hours later, I go home and give my life a serious look.

What the George Lazenby?

2008-03-06T13:14:00.003-05:00

So, Daniel Craig, aka the man who gives hope to all men with bad teeth or the British, is going to marry Satsuki Mitchell. I have no idea who she is, but this photo of her is straight spooky. She gots them crazy eyes. I may not know how to maintain a long term relationship or even talk to a woman without saying "Drop them" at the end of the conversation, but I do know crazy eyes. Daniel, those eyes are crazy. Those are the kinds of eyes you see when at 5 am staring down at you when those eyes are holding a tile saw near your little piggies. I am just warning you, 007.

Ballpoint Sean Penn

2008-02-29T12:34:00.004-05:00

I went to the $1.50 theater yesterday to see Into The Wild and now I hate Sean Penn a little bit more. I don't think I needed to spend a $1.50 to do that, but I did anyway. Every film critic has been referring to this as the ill-fated journey of self discovery by Christopher McCandless. Here is a plot write up from imdb.com:

Based on a true story. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters who shape his life.

I don't see where they got athlete from in the movie. Now if they had said "self involved rich douche bag" then I 'd see that. I can only hope more kids start doing this and I don't have to look at as many of these kids riding in SUV's with Sierra Club stickers on the back. Christopher decides to cut himself off from everyone as revenge for his dad beating up on his mom. The best part is he cuts himself off from both his mom and kid sister. Wow, real nice. So to exact revenge on his abusive dad, he drags everyone who cares about him through hell and back. That makes sense. SPOILER! He dies and, much like the three annoying kids in Cloverfield, I was so glad when is happened.

The point that Sean Penn tries to get across, with the subtly of me staring at the thick NC State dance team member's butt at the NC State/FSU game this week, is that we are way too into consumerism. Thanks, Sean. I get it. Now, could you go rescue a someone drowning in a flood and give me my two and a half hours back? No? Okay, fine. But, I am still gonna oggle your wife and wonder what I could've spent my $1.50 on instead of your movie. (P.S. A tall boy of Pabst)

Side note: Zack Galifianakis has a small bit part in the movie. His talents are not at all utilized. However, there is a scene where they introduce you to Wayne, played by Vince Vaughn. The guys are all laughing...hard. I thought, "Why are they faking laughing so hard?" Then, I see Zack G. in the corner. I am 90% certain they were laughing at something he said.

And you call yourself a sports fan...

2008-02-27T11:23:00.005-05:00

My co-worker today had no earthly clue who Erin Andrews was. I was stunned. In his defense, he is a NC State and Syracuse fan and she usually only works the big banger games. Neither of theses teams have seen any of those. I also thought Matt might enjoy this as the photo I posted of Brady Anderson has been raping a hole in his eyes. She one in a million girls.

Getting Dirty...

2008-02-25T13:07:00.003-05:00

I am doing part of my almost daily and doing a job search on bookjobs.com. I come across an Editorial Assistant position at MacMillian. The job description had this in it:

We are currently seeking an Editorial Assistant to assist adult trade editor responsible for adult trade.

I am wrong to infer that they are looking for someone to help out with erotic literature? Ya'll know I am all about that. I'd be all, "Yo, this is hot," and I'd be getting paid for it. What in the world?

Conversations at the Li-berry

2008-02-20T13:00:00.003-05:00

I am not going to just post about my experiences at the Wake County Public Library, but I couldn't resist this. The library should be quiet, but some people don't know how to shut their gobs. This is just a selection of the witty banter I am getting right now:

"Shiquita, what you doing?"
"Looking at books. What you think I'm slipping"
*ring*
"Who this? Tell 'er to call Spanky's mama and them. She know."
"What you got them books for."
"Reading."
"For reals"
"Don't make me get loud at this li-berry."

I can't make this stuff up.

Li-berry

2008-02-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Help me unwrap my head on this one. I was at the public library and printing out a resume. I go to the upstairs help desk and tell the woman that I printed off a resume downstairs and I was wondering if she had it. This is her response:

"What do you mean 'downstairs'?"

My brain caught on fire, I passed out for a minute and I just kind of stared at her. How do I reply to such a statement? If I was a robot, then I would've broken all of Isaac Asimov's laws and gone buck wyle on that lady. Why did this effect me so? It wasn't as if she said, "What?" or "Huh?" She heard me. The words registered in her head and she couldn't grasp the fact that she was a good building story above the earth. What in the Sam Houston State is wrong with this woman? PLEASE TELL ME!

I gotta take a leak...

2007-12-13T13:12:00.000-05:00

...so the Mitchell Report do leaked. Thus killing the nine hours of coverage that ESPN was planning on doing to show each player one by one. On the list were a couple of surprises. Wally Joyner? I mean, he came out awhile ago, but still. His name is WALLY. The one that was really no shock but was Brady Anderson. I hated Brady Anderson. His one season where he hit 50 homers was one of the biggest blinking lights that players were using steroids in the MLB. I have not been to many major league games so I remember my experiences quite vividly. My father took me to see the Red Sox-Orioles game back during that Brady Anderson freak season. We stopped off at a McDonald's up by out hotel before that game and Robbie Alomar was getting drive thru in his black Mercedes S600. Cool, right? We had really bad seats at Camden Yards. We had to take an escalator to them. To this day, I have never had to take an escalator to seats at a sporting event. So we are on the 300 level concourse and there is a gift shop selling Orioles shwag. Hat, mini-bats, and jerseys. There in the middle of all this was a poster of Brady Anderson, like this one. My Dad, never one to mince words, sighed "What the hell is this crap? Son, you're a Red Sox fan, right?" I agreed. He looked relieved.

Please Stop...

2007-12-06T14:46:00.001-05:00

I absolutely hate this guy. This is Colin Cowherd. He is the Summer's Eve of sports talk radio. I, for the life of me, have no idea why he is on nationally. Who actually tunes into his show on a daily basis on purpose? I can understand Tony Bruno (Why does he sound like he always is finishing off a sandwich when he talks?), Jim Rome (Is that Jim Everett hiding in the bushes?), and Dan "ESPN can suck my bowls!" Patrick. They have their market and they put together a good show that I laugh at easily once every time. First off, he sounds like he is still waiting for his other testicle to drop or his mom is late picking him up from soccer practice. That doesn't help. Two, he negates all that says within a two week period. Example? A-ight. He start of the season saying he didn't think the SEC was all that quality of a football conference and that Les Miles should not be talking about USC schedule like he was. Um, zuh? Recently, he was talking about the down fall of the PAC-10 this season down the stretch. Double zuh! Also, his show about as well planned as one of my radio shows from 2003. I am only guessing, but I think the production notes go something like this:

Pick the opposite view of every sane sports fan in America for one topic--->Top of the hour.
Talk about how you are right for that same one topic----->Next 2.5 hours.

The things about the other sports jocks is that they take phone calls. The dude-che is on for 3 hours, except where he get preempted for Jim Rome (HA!), and he take maybe two phone calls. I am sure his producer screens the buh-jesus out of them, too. Because, it is always some guy who agrees with him...WHY ARE YOU CALLING A SPORTS TALK SHOW TO AGREE WITH SOME GUY? Come on! In a perfect world, Sam Elliot would have a sports talk show. In a perfect world.

Victoria's Not-So-Secret

2007-12-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

...I mean, what the hell was that crap. What was that really the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Two shit-tastic performances by Seal (neither of which were "A Kiss From A Rose" or "Crazy") and the return of the Spice Girls (when did Posh Spice become the ugly one?) were not enough to kill horrible long angled shot of women in what might be considered underwear. Here are the camera shot synapses:

Long range as the girl walks down the runway.
Weird low angle that shows that freaky runway walk they do, but not much else.
Right as they turn they do a close up on the model's face as she makes some crappy wink or something and then....
Long range of the model's shoulders so as not to upset fatties, closet cases, and Baptists (who don't wear underwear because Jesus didn't).

What in the Sam Houston State is going on CBS? Are you really all that chicken? I can see more on any given episode of Asi Es La Vida any night of the week. I have a feeling this has something to do with Tyra Banks's old shows. Homegirl was a-jiggling! Now those were the days.

The Numbers Don't Lie....

2007-11-30T15:25:00.001-05:00

Cakewalk 9...

2007-11-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

So the ACC won the ACC/Big Ten Challenge. That's nine in a row, for those counting. I really hated this year's matchups. Who chose NC State v. Michigan State in East Lansing? We got rolled. They also played James Thomas Valvano's ESPY speech right before it, so it was a really tough beat to take and watch. So, what does any rational person do? He goes home and burns a book that was written twenty years ago that was disparaging to the program he loves. TAKE THAT!

Duke Football or something...

2007-11-27T17:26:00.000-05:00

...yesterday Duke fired Ted Roof. Joe Alleva claims he is going to look for a coach with head coaching experience. I was on Duke's career page today and there was a posting for "Head Football Coach". I got a snortle out of it. Joe Alleva might be the the second worst AD in major college athletics. The first would be Vanderbilt's AD, who put all sports including inter murals into the same pool. I don't know who he is going to hire, but I am sure he'll (or maybe even she'll) be horrible.

Better late then never...

2007-09-27T15:32:00.000-04:00

..way to go USA! We stood up to a totalitarian military regime! And just twenty years after it started! I think we all deserve a soda, we really earned our treat today!

Scenes from a Football Game

2007-09-02T11:40:00.000-04:00

So football finally happened this weekend. I was very excited and happy. Here's a little wrap up of the my first football game of the year NC State v. UCF:

I park my car roughly half a mile from the stadium and head over to a friend of mines tailgate. I am getting a late start. This is the first year since the shootings at Trinity Road three years ago that we get five full hours of tailgating. I only need a couple of hours, but I will use the full five for one game this year. My cousin call while I am walking an tells me that App. State is gonna beat Michigan in the Big House. He give me the play-by-play over the phone while his sons cry in the background. The way some people remember how great sportscasters called memorable moments in sports, this is how I'll remember this one. Lloyd Carr has already started looking for a coaching job at FAU or Stetson as we read/write this.
Finally run up with my tailgate. Let me get this off my chest, girls looked really hot or cute, but the functionality of their ensembles was seriously lacking. They all looked like they were going to the Kentucky Derby. I want these girls to know that NC State is not in the SEC, so quit dressing and acting like we are. Also, when did this whole short skirt with cowboy boots look start back again. I thought it was dead. While I am thinking this, a fight breaks out on the other side of an RV. The police and sheriff's department swarm enforce and very quickly. I was impressed and a little spooked. A couple of drunk kids start to chant "F*ck the Police" and they are given open container tickets. I decide it is time to head into the game. As I walk with the masses, so UCF fans are mixed in. I am walking with a UCF family of six, a dad & mom with their four daughters in ages from 10 to roughly 18. A "class act" State fan yells at them to "F*ck off and f*cking die!" I am embarrassed. I do not mind trash talking or taunting opposing teams fans. They are on our territory and should expect some fun rassing. As early UCF fans came by my tailgate, I sang the "Mickey Mouse" song and even this family felt my witty reporte when I asked them if they go to DisneyWorld every weekend. This good hearted and fairly clever. When the State fan in front of us flicked the UCF family off, things got ugly and again I was embarrassed to be associated with them. The UCF father got in the kids face and then I wondered where all the police were...oh right.
I had great seats for the game, or so I thought. They were on the 40 and 15 rows back. I was really pleased with them. UCF gets the ball first and runs a single back sweep and NC State misses the first tackle and their RB scampers 80 yards for the TD. It is one of those first game, first play type of flukes. I knew that, but the ass clown behind me did not. He starts in as if the season was all over on the first play. I don't know who he was talking to. His wife was busy going to town on some funnel cake. He was a nightmare to sit in front of. Loud, wrong, negative, and loud. Daniel Evans looked pretty lost. I really didn't understand it, but when he slipped under pressure in the end zone for a safety. I was really upset. Coach O'Brien gave him another shot when NC State got the ball inside the 20. Evans couldn't do it and NC State had to settle for a field goal. These two plays pretty much doomed the team. Evans gave the other team two points and couldn't get an easy TD for six. That's a big swing.
Harrison Beck came in for Evans in the next series. He looked a big frazzled early. Then the half came. I switched seats, I could not take anymore of the f*ckface behind me. The scout team did some real work for NC State. They looked a lot better in the second half. In the first, State's passes we going out to the flats and sidelines with little success. Also, Andre Brown almost non-exsistant. The second, Beck was tossing over the center of the defense. It was wide open almost every time. The O-Line did a much better job of giving Beck time to wait for the receiver to get in the weak spot of the UCF zone. The NC State defense was making the tackles they were missing in the first. It was a definite tale of two halves. State score 23 unanswered and had a very real shot at a W until the official called an illegal procedure penalty and docked State 15 yards. I was a little shocked. That was big penalty. It doomed us. Tick-tick-game over.
There was a lot of grumbling as I walked back to my car, which when I walked through the dark parking lots with all the drunken angry sports fans in it felt like I parked it in Garner. I was mad. I mean, we lost. NC State lost all because of bad play and penalties in the first half, seeming Amato-esque. But, the second half, looked really crisp and automatic. This was the first game with a new coach, who doesn't even have the kinds of players he need to get his system done the way he wants it. I was fairly happy with the results and look forward to what else is to come.

I wonder where I can get a Lobotobizer?

2007-05-31T16:10:00.000-04:00

Hey is anyone really buying the XDR TB bullshit? I am not. Maybe next time they'll be saying all he had was "African Rabies." If it stinks like shit, looks like shit, then it most likely is shit. Looks like I will be wintering in Vermont this year.

Bring the Heat!

2007-05-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

Wait, so global warming is melting ice and killing polar bears. Did you see what that fucker did? Sweet Honeypot, Pooh!

Hollywood Poop

2007-04-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

I have a lot to gripe about today. Last night I was all jacked about a new "Andy Barker PI". I had my VCR programed to tape NBC from 8-10pm. The normal hours for the new must see. I went to work, came home, pour myself a glass of buttermilk, and sat down to enjoy my must see . But, NBC decided to make the first three shows "supersized". This means, 4 minutes longer with 6 more minutes of commercials. This is fine, but what happened? I watch a 40 minute long "Scrubs", which was not funny and hella depressing, and I run out of tape. Thanks NBC. I really like "Andy Barker PI". It reminds me of 1980's television. It is just real pure.
I wanted to go see "Grindhouse" today between shifts as work. I thought it would be like 2 hours. It turns out to be 3.25 hours long! A true double feature. I was shocked. Now, my noodle starts going. If the two films were on their own, then maybe people would see them. Maybe. If they are together in this rebirth of an old gimmick, then people will see them. "Two crappy movies for the price of one? How can I go wrong?" says fat American movie goer in a Puddle of Mud T-Shirt. It is a scam.
Now, Matt and I live in the same complex. And we all know Matt had had some effed up dreams recently. I had one the other night. Here it is:

It starts in a basement of some house. Its my old running crew of Booby, Scott, Big Series and me. Big Series tells me we have to kill this wild hog to make dinner. I volunteer to do it. He hands me a butchers knife and out of the darkness appears this monster hog. Black, hairy with massive tusks and a hump of muscle on his back. He charges me and I stab him. The blade doesn't go all the way and I have to stab again until I hit his heart. He squeals and Big Series rushes over and hold the hog until he is dead. He is petting it and talking soothing to it. Big Series decides that it is not right to kill animals for food.
[Scene missing] Big Series has killed Cynthia Nixon. I am 100% positive because when I woke up in a sweat, I wrote it down. CYNTHIA NIXON! But killing Cynthia Nixon for food freaks out Big Series and he starts crying. No. Weeping. Loudly. Booby, Scott and I leave him in the basement and go upstairs. [Scene missing] Big Series builds an entire kitchen on top of where he has killed Cynthia Nixon and he hides their while the hog is prepared on top. We can hear him crying while we eat the hog right above him. [I awake]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Thank You, God...

2007-04-04T15:12:00.000-04:00

...THANK YOU! Even with Justin Long in it, it will be awesome. How did this little sh*t get so big time anyway? I am sure they are looking for a way to put him and Hilary Duff in some movie with Jon Heder together. On the flip side, this will undoubtedly be one of the worst movies ever. Hey, Hollywood, you wanna know why people stopped going to the theater? It because you have wasted three screens with this crap. STOP IT!

Noe-body does it better

2007-03-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

So I was working last night. And because it is a Monday in March, I am watching the ASU v. Rutgers women's NCAA game. Why? Because they are more fundamentally sound then men? No, because Jill Noe is playing for ASU. I read an article about ASU in USA Today and have been smitten with Jilly-kins (that's what I call her in my made up relationship in my head) ever since. I was at the ASU website today, to get a photo for the post, and all the players have pictures of themselves in fancy get ups. It is kind of good for the somewhat attractive players. Others...not so much. I am curious with the recent actions of some women's coaches. Will this become a trend? Is it going to become necessary to remind people in the women's sport community that they are women? Maybe.

McSecond Round Pick

2007-03-23T15:53:00.000-04:00

...So Josh McRoberts is leaving Duke. If anyone is keeping tabs, that is two big goofy white boys who never lived up to their top billing at Duke to leave in the past four years. McRoberts will get drafted, get a contract, and play for six years but never average double figures in any category. There. I said it. Let's look at the hard knocks life Josh is coming from. His family is living in abject poverty in Carmel, Indiana. They had to switch to the discount chlorine for their pool and his momma, who is smoking hot, had to but Y-rated tires on her Lexus GS430. I lived in Carmel. No one is poor in that town. I think elementary school teacher roll in 1970's Rolls Royces. But why would Duke be so supportive of him leaving? Hmmm, I wonder. BTW, NC State is going to be freakishly good next season. Prediction? Top 3 in the ACC. Top 15 in the NCAA. Not bad for an NIT team.

March Madness

2007-03-22T13:39:00.000-04:00

We start the Sweet Sixteen tonight and being that I am a Bracketologist, I have pick 83% right for the first two rounds. I love this time of year. However, I also have come to hate some of the things this "Madness" creates. It creates stars out of role players. And, what's worse, it gives marginal first or second year coaches the title of being "hot". This year it is Anthony Grant. First off, beating Duke is not that big of a deal. If he had beat them in November, I might've raised an eyebrow. By March, Duke was shell of the team that Dick Vitale had painted on a nude boy. I think this Grant guy is a dick. I don't have any proof, but his court side mannerisms and the way he dealt with the press gave me that impression. I am sure that Michigan or Iowa or even Utah will be stumbling all over themselves to get him. They'll rally their alumni clubs for all the nickels and dimes they can get to give this guy a long expensive contract. All because his team went 28-7 and busted up a suck ass Duke team. 28-7 in the CAA? IN THE CAA! Yeah, let's look at the giants they dropped to:

Xavier (a tourney team, not bad)
Toledo (wha...)
App. State (3rd in the Southern Confernce...yup.)
Hofstra (well it was on the road)
Old Dominion (Hey, didn't they retire Dave Twardzik's number?)
Bradley (that was a BracketBuster. I guess it was busted)
Pitt (it was a good loss, but still a loss)

My other favorite is when these "hot" coaches go on to say, "My heart is here. At UNC-Wilson" or "I am not interested in going to UCLA. My family and I are comfortable here at Mankota State." It is all of our natural desire to move up in the world. That's why I went back to college and graduated 9 and a half years later. That's why Matt is going to be a crude slick lawyer. That's why 3000 is going to get that graphics company off the ground. We need to advance in life. Staying in one place? I have never believed that. NEVER! Gregg Marshall was this first coach I have ever seen leave his program, get all teary eye while driving on the road and literally turn around.

I was at the College of Charleston during their NCAA glory years. I worked with the basketball team. We were ranked 16th in 1997 and 14th in 1999. We made it to three NCAA Tournaments in a row and beat Maryland and gave eventual champs, Arizona, a full 40 minute fight in 1997. The school had only been in D I for nine years. It was kind of big, but John Kresse had been coaching there for over two decades. There was talks of switching conferences from the Southern to the A-10. There were talks of a brand new arena, paid for my the Charleston tax payers. Then in 2000, College of Charleston stop going to the NCAA. They didn't even get a NIT bid. Now, College of Charleston hasn't made the NCAA in over six years and I kind of doubt, with Bobby Kremins at the helm, they ever will again. Where is the new arena? Nowhere. I can only imagine all the sh*t George Mason tried to get.

I'll be amazed if Anthony Grant is at VCU next year.

This is horrible

2007-02-27T11:29:00.000-05:00

I was working last night and caught the trailer for a new horror flick, "Dead Silence". We had the sound off at work so I just saw the visuals. It looked hella scary. I mean, creepy long face old people and puppets....DAMN! It looked so good. Then, I got to imbd.com today and find out who is behind it. Its the writer/director of "Saw". For those of you not familiar with "Saw" and all the requisite sequels. Or as I like to refer to them, disappointing. I quickly went from excited to bored and then I got a little hungry and then I went back to bored again. I'll give this movie the benefit of the doubt, meaning I doubt it will be any good.

Shooting Ones Wad...

2007-02-20T11:13:00.000-05:00

...I am afraid that is what Chuck Palahniuk did that. I just finished reading "Haunted". I don't have cable and don't have a real job, so I have taken back up recreational reading. FUN COME ALIVE! It was a fun read. But, one of my favorite books is "Fight Club". I have read it four times. Twice for school and twice for fun. It is great. It is also one of the few books I have read that is actually awesome to correspond with the movie. However, "Fight Club" was his first book. Chuck has written a dozen or so more books since then. "Haunted," while being fun, disgusting, weird, and spooky all at the same time, lacks something. It takes the guise of being a post-modern Canterbury Tales, but I never got that feeling from it. Palahnuik never take the voice of his story tellers. He keeps his own voice. His own voice is the voice of 30-something hipsters. You might be saying, "Rochester, that's only two books." Oh no my friends, I have read two of his shorts stories, one from an old GQ and another from Playboy. (I have had it since 2001, so I am actually starting to read these damn things!) Those two stories have the same problem. But, you know what? I am going to read "Choke" and "Survivor" because I want to believe that they won't have the same problems. I truly do.

Tim Hardaway is Gay!

2007-02-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

I am getting so sick of this. Timmy hates gays. Okay, so he's an asshole. Do I really need 24 hour coverage on this. Let's also look at Timmy's career in a whole, or in his case, in an asshole. The lump sum of his career was spent in Golden State and Miami. Yup, no homosexuals there. There is a line in "The Simpsons" when Krusty realizes he is not Jewish. "All this time I thought I was a self-loathing Jew, but it turns out I am just an anti-semite." Think about it, Timmy, then dust off your disco pants and head on out to South Beach.

2007 is far from heaven...

2007-02-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

I had an awesome 2006. It was awesome. That being said 2007 is 44 days old and is has been a royal shit storm. Let's recap:

Junkie former roommate sticks me for the entire month of January's rent. Sooper!
I find out that one of the loves of my imaginary live, Debra Morgan, is married. This is not entirely bad, because there was a 0% chance I could have had sex with her. However, her husband is ugly and looks to be roughly 10 years older than her. Also, her real last name is not Morgan. Its much more "ethnic".
Then, I find out my Grandma's dead.
They are closing King's and turning it into a parking deck.
I have not found a real job yet.
My girlfriend says our relationship has "plateaued" and "just wants to be friends".

2,3,4, and 6 all happened in roughly 72 hours. Looks like God remember He hated me again. Wow.

I am already tired...

2007-01-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

...of hearing this stuff. It has been less than eight hours and I know I will hear this for 15 years. Big Mac didn't get the nod to go to Cooperstown. SHOCKING! He'll get in. Mark it (what a delicious pun). I don't understand this stigma of steroids in baseball. Shawn Merriman did them. Julius Peppers did them. Hell, Todd sauerkraut, a PUNTER, did them. And yet we hold them up to a different standard then Big Mac, Sosa, and Bonds. [NOTE: Dislike Bonds causes he is a dick, not because he does steroids.] Can someone please answer me on this? It makes no sense. Baseball did not outlaw steroids. So, these guys were doing nothing wrong. It is the same as the spitball or Ty Cobb stomping a handicapped fan. Well, maybe no that. Why is there a double standard? Oh, just so know one forgets, NBA players cannot test positive for cocaine or steroids, but can still smoke trees. That makes sense, too.

Hardcore Fantasy

2006-12-15T10:59:00.000-05:00

So,, I am playing the top seed in fantasy this week in the playoffs. Well yesterday, Frank Gore went nuts and I still have either McGahee or Cadillac for the weekend. My question is this, "With the both of the Bears starting DT's out should I start Cadillac over Willis? Jeff, your answer will be ignored.

Was Nixon really all that bad? Pt. 2

2006-12-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

So he secretly bombed Cambodia. That seems to be miniscule compared to what Cambodians do to other Cambodians. I am pretty sick, but even this is just wrong. How much do you think tickets were? I bet they were cheaper than going to the movies in America and you could still buy popcorn. On that note, was the Khmer Rouge even this bad?

CAKEWALK!

2006-11-30T15:11:00.000-05:00

ACC rolled the Not so Big Ten...again. Even in the games the ACC lost, the Big Ten got embarrassed.

Chuck Amato No!

2006-11-27T16:48:00.000-05:00

So, all the boo birds and typical North Carolina fickle fans got their way last night. Chuck Amato is fired. I have mixed feelings about the whole sitch. On one hand we potentially have an amazing team next season. We were young this season and no one really stepped up as a playmaker. I have a sneaking feeling that whoever NC State gets is going to go 7-4 next year and everyone will start to suck the stuff in their underpants zone. Saying things like, "See, Amato couldn't do it." I am 70% certain he could've done it. Then, the aforementioned fictional coach will go 6-5 and 5-6 and the whole damn thing will start over again.
Then again, this season was an all out embarrassment. The final loss to ECU was painful to sit through. We finished below UNC (they get the tie-break) and everyone knows that team was horrible. I actually got in a argument with some Anti-Amato douche at the end of the ECU game. My main argument is, "Who you gonna get?"

Monday Nitro Football

2006-11-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

I wonder if ESPN will take a queue from NBC and do what people have been telling them to do and don't set the MNF schedule in stone at the end of the last season. Tonight is an awesome example of two reams not living up to anyone's expectations. 3rd and 4th in the NFC South does not a MNF game make. I love my Buccaneers, but the whole of the US of A does not have such a die hard love for the sole NFC Super Bowl Champions of the millennium. Have you seen what closes out the MNF season? Jets v. Miami! Wow, that will keep me from watching "Scrooged" or "KISS Saves Christmas"...NOT!

3000 in his post today brought up drafting as a head coach. As much as Gruden hates to develop young players (see the 2002 Oakland Raiders), he has put together some great draft classes in the past three years. We'll be 9-7 next year, and in the NFC South, that could win the division. Drew Brees is going to lose his arm. You read it here 1st, people.

Wii.T.F.!

2006-10-30T16:06:00.000-05:00

So I am at the mall today. Typical Monday, just leafing through the new cargo shorts at Ambercrombie and Fitch. (BTW Why do they have to play that music so damn loud?) Then, I find myself at any of the 3 video game stores at the mall. I see a box for the new Nintendo Wii. Brand new it is $249. So, my Scottish heritage likes that. It doesn't have any really crazy bells and whistles, no DVD or Bluevein or whatever 3000 keeps rambling on about. What it does have is probably easily the most asinine controller design in the world. It's called the nunchuck and I am willing to bet dollars to donuts, if I buy this thing (which I won't) that it will wind up being smashed into a million pieces on my wall. PLEASE NERDS! Tell me what is up with this thing. I need to know.

1985

2006-10-11T10:36:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot of talk about this season's Bears compared to the 1985 Monsters of the Midway. No one wants to admit that this season Bears might be better than the 1985 Chicago Bears. I'll admit that this season's Bears looks real good, but it is week 5. Let's not jump the gun just yet. 1985 was the first year I actually could consciously know that I started watching football. I was living in Indiana and because the Colts sucked and really had only been in Indianapolis for a short time I naturally was more drawn to the Bears. Chicago was my birth city and it was only 2 hours away from where I was. This is how little kids choose teams to root for. I made the big switch the day Tecmo Super Bowl came out and I got 6 sack with Eugene Marve. I have never looked back. What always stuck out was that sweater Ditka wore on the sidelines during that season. It was dressy, yet it screamed, "Oh we gonna make this happen!" at the same time. Well, last night I got my close-out special edition Eastbay catalog and bought this lil' beauty of less than $10. I am gonna look so classy at the Upper Deck this Sunday. I can't wait.

33!

2006-10-09T14:53:00.000-04:00

Look who is number 33! Look out Wake!

T.O. is O.K.

2006-10-09T10:23:00.000-04:00

So, it is official. As of 4:24 pm yesterday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on the clock. The worst part about the 24-21 loss to the Saints yesterday was that the offense for the Bucs looked really good. Gradkowski looked really good. He didn't screw up and Williams rushed for over 100 for the first time all year. Gradkowski is the QB that Gruden really wanted to run with the start the year anyway, so Simms might have to a clipboard to help him cover up that scar where his spleen used to be and the big bruise over his giant ego.
The defense looked old. Real old. I had not seen that many missed tackles and miscues for that defense since the 14 point Colts comeback in 2003. Oh and what cost us the game? A punt return by Reggie Bush for his 1st NFL TD. I mean, he didn't even have to make a move. How many game are we going to have to lose because we have awful special teams before someone finally fires Richard Bisaccia. He has no idea what he is doing or even worse how he is doing it.
With that game over I turned to the game of the week, Eagle v. Cowboys. It actually was a good game. Eagles defense looked scary. Their offense, however, was less than outstanding. What pissed me off (this is what you were all waiting for) was the way the annoucers kept try to put blame on T. O. for the woeful Cowboys offense. Um, no. One, I would never be coming to the defense of T.O. ever again, but no! The Cowboys have an old fart at QB. Just like they did last year. And the year before that. Oh, and the year before that. They haven't infused any youth at the QB position since they dropped a coked-up Quincy Carter quite some time ago. Drew Bledsoe, like a certain other someone in a certain town that rhymes with Green Gay, is done. He threw some balls that would make Chris Simms say, "Wow, that was a really poorly thrown ball." On what seemed like his 9th INT of the game, T.O. game off the line at 3/4 speed go past Lito Shepard and went to full speed. He was open by about 5 yards. Bledsoe threw it 5 yards short of T.O. It was horrible. Aikman starts in on T.O. for not coming of the line at full speed. Huh? He got open in a sea of 3 DB's, who cares how fast he came off the line? Just get the ball to him and that was a TD. Leave T.O. alone and start picking on Bledsoe. Wow, did I just say that?

London Blog

2006-10-04T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know I have been bad on the blogging tip. I need to sit down and get my proverbial sheet together. So, until I can start posting my old school witt, here is an awesome story by my man, C. Monks.

Tommy Lawless...

2006-09-27T10:24:00.000-04:00

...once said, "A fetish ain't a fetish if you do it everyday." These are words to live by, but Cousin Larry, this is ridiculous.

Tommy Lawless...

2006-09-27T10:21:00.000-04:00

...once said, "A fetish ain't a fetish if you do it everyday." I am sure those are words to live by, but, Cousin Larry, this is ridiculous.

Bung?

2006-09-19T11:32:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what a 'bung probe' is, but it is going to rock more that soccer.

Rights and Wrongs

2006-08-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

I think it it might be time for us, as a nation, to look ourselves. We have gotten too loose with our rights. I mean, think about it. Sure we have the right to free speech. But is it right to yell "FIRE!" at a crowded book burning?

Summer Days

2006-08-23T16:47:00.000-04:00

Jesus, Mary and The Spook! Has it really been over two weeks since last I posted? I apologize I have been really busy, and by busy I mean lazy. Today marks the start of school and the non-equinoxal end of summer. I have to say this has been a pretty awesome summer. I deserve it. I do! Over the past five summers I have been shit on. In fact, one of these summer I believe I was literally shat on. (Damned two-storied outhouse!) This one was really fantastic. Let me list, because I am lazy, the ways this summer rocked:

Made a bunch of new and really great friends. I haven't done that since I moved to Chapel Hill in 1988 and rolled with my neighborhood crew, "The BMX Boys". I am sure if we ever hang outside the 'sphere you all will like them.
Found old friends. Thanks myspace.
I never went broke all summer long. I know money doesn't equal happiness, but it sure as shit helps.
Passed two summer session classes leaving me with only three classes until GRADUATION! WHAT! I am shaking at the thought of it. All my classes I was in today, I just kept thinking, "This is the last sylabus I will have to look at." Oh, and the party will be off the meat rack.
Visited places I have never even thought I'd go to. Chicago (the return of an old standard), Milwaukee (There is a whole other post on that one coming) Dover, NH, and Kennebunkport. All were pretty cool in there own way.
I won the Best Radio DJ in the Triangle by the readers of Independent Weekly. I have never been more excited in my life. I still can't believe it.

I am sure if the Yankees don't make the World Series again this year, this will be the best summer in recent memory.

How's your Tuesday, Matt?

2006-08-08T13:19:00.000-04:00

Better now? Good.

Tipping, China

2006-08-03T12:34:00.000-04:00

So after my kickball game the other night, "Free Action" went out for a drink. "Free Action" is my kickball team. We went to Sammy's in Mission Valley and got a couple of drinks. There were Bud Light girls giving out freebies so I got two from them, and I got two beers from our waitress. Then, it is bill time. I get mine, and it is $5.00. I usually pay in cash, but everyone else was going credit card crazy! I give the girl a $10 and expect 5 one-dollar bills when she gets back. What happens next is I get 3 one-dollar bills. Gigga what? She took it upon herself to take a tip out of my change.

I am an excellent tipper...now. If the service was good (it wasn't), then I tip well. If the waitress is dressed skanky (she was), the I tip well. She was looking at getting $4 on a $5 tab, intead she took what she wanted and got no more from Rochester. She played herself. I think the rest of the table would not have been so lenient on tipping. Why did she assume she had to take her cut before I could do so? I mean, your belly ring and pubic bone are popping out in front of my face, you switch the WSOP (the worst thing on TV) off to a baseball game, and I kept saying thank you and making eye contact with you when you came over to our table. Where, I ask, where does she get off doing that?

My Ratings System

2006-07-28T12:41:00.000-04:00

At WKNC, we have no real way of knowing how many people are listening. What we do have is a web listeners counter. Last week, I hit my all time high of 118. Not so much this week, but still kind of cool to look at my peaks and valleys.

Annie & Truck!

2006-07-24T16:54:00.000-04:00

I am pretty sure, this link means you owe me a beer!

The Break-Up

2006-07-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

So, J-Mo broke up with his girlfriend of about a year two month ago. I don't know the circumstances, but I do know she took it kind of rough. She really kind of went crazy. It started with an e-mail sent to all the people she had addresses for:

FYI: J-M0 pulled the plug. He didn't even have the courage to tell me in person. Just when you think you know someone.

This was just step one. Following that she started calling people. I am talking random people. She called his Mom. She called one of his female friends and accused her of causing the split. This female friend has a boyfriend of her own for roughly a year and J-Mo finds her a bit annoying from time to time. So, that was nuts. Then she called me one Sunday morning. As anyone who has hung-out with me on Saturdays would know, I don't do Sunday mornings. It was not a fun or productive phone conversation. And the worst part is it was the house phone. So, I couldn't even do the whole "cell phone breaking up" dealy. Truly horrible. She started text messaging friends and acting like she thought it was sent to someone else. Then, when that failed she satrted e-mailing J-Mo pictures of her with other dudes. Ladies, help me understand this one. Why would a guy who broke up with you care if you are out with another man? I would think they would encourage it. The most recent one was my personal favorite. (BTW J-Mo send the e-mails and photos to all his buddies and it kind of becomes a fun caption righting contest.)
The e-mail for this (image 8) simply said "Dr. McDreamy and I at the Blue Martini". Now, none of us watch "Grey's Anatomy", so the reference was lost on us. My sister had to clearify what the hell she was talking about. We are taking bets on how long it'll be until she send J-Mo a grainy green video ala Paris Hilton.

Good Morning!

2006-07-18T07:57:00.000-04:00

For no reason at all, a man being eaten by a giant snake. Have a nice day!

Wordplay

2006-07-13T13:34:00.000-04:00

I was at one of nine jobs of Saturday. It is one of those jobs that requires you to look at girls in the parking lot and follow it up with an uncomfortable comment. I had a great zinger. Two girls were walking into the hardware store. My co-worker wonder why they were not coming into our store. I said, "Yeah, forget the hardware store. They should come over here to the semi-hardware store."

Delicious.

Everyone is doing it...

2006-07-12T10:33:00.000-04:00

...they let anyone on MySpace. ANYONE!

There's a New Hampshire now?

2006-07-10T11:05:00.000-04:00

My sister is up in New Hampshire for a month long training session for her work. She decided to save a little money and moved into a creepy old boarding house for the month. I helped her get there. It has 15 rooms and two of them are occupied by Angel, a large lesbian, and Sylvia, a 50 year old "shut in". My sister sent me a message today talking about her experiences with her "housemates".

1. Have yet to see Sylvia out of her plaid bathroom.
2. Yesterday a freshly baked, home made cherry pie was cooling on the kitchen table, later that night, said pie pan was awaiting a scrub down in the sink. Contents still missing.
3. Four, yes FOUR, empty Lean Cuisine Meatloaf boxes were discarded in the kitchen trash.
4. Both the tiny showers don't have enough room for me to get the soap off of my rear end which constantly leaves me scratching my head in wonder as to HOW in the world my "robust" housemate cleans herself.
More notes from New Hampshire to follow.

Fun With J-Biz's Wife

2006-07-06T09:48:00.000-04:00

It sounds dirtier than it really is. I call over to J-Biz's house yesterday because I wanted to remind him of the Sade cover band that is going to be at King's this Saturday. He had mentioned he wanted to go bowling, but I mean come on. Sade cover band! When do you ever hear about that. Well, J-Biz's old lady is trying to set me up with one of her acquaintances. She has a need to pair up everything. That's why they have two dogs, a salt AND pepper shaker and they sleep in twin beds like Rob & Laura Petrie. So this is the phone conversation that occurred:

ROCHESTER: She got a big booty?
J-BIZ'S WIFE: Um, sure.
ROCHESTER: Yeah, I'll give her a call then.
J-BIZ'S WIFE: Are you seeing someone?
ROCHESTER: No.
J-BIZ'S WIFE: John said you were seeing some girl a couple of weekends ago.
ROCHESTER: What?
J-BIZ'S WIFE: He said you were seeing some girl like two Saturdays ago.
ROCHESTER: Oh! (laughs) No! No! I saw that girl on a Saturday night. I am not currently seeing her, consistently.
J-BIZ'S WIFE: (laughs) Oh my!
ROCHESTER: Indeed.
J-BIZ'S WIFE: I see.
ROCHESTER: I hope you do. For J-Biz's sake.

Stolen myspace Comment

2006-06-30T10:30:00.000-04:00

This made me laugh...HARDCORE:

I almost called you from my brother's apartment when I picked up Zoe b/c Selena told me that someone IMed her and said that Fred Durst died. And my response you ask?!? "Did he die from being a douche?"

Not So Weekend..

2006-06-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

Truck isn't the only one who can sum up her weekend on her blog. I will refrain from doing it in the third person, because that is Vallario ridiculous.

FRIDAY: Did a hot ass radio show. Got my Best DJ plaque. Worked until 10:30. Drank a lot of beer and played Table Tennis on J-Mo's new X-Box 360 until 4:30 in the morning. That game is addictive. I don't know why.
SATURDAY: Woke up hella early for no good reason. Realized by gaming thumb was red and sore. Couldn't use the TV remote with it, so I went lefty. There is something unholy about that. Worked at until 7:30 and met up with the Crue (aka Matt, 3000, J-Mo, and J-Biz). J-Biz rarely goes out drinking in Rally, but when he does we always go to the exact same Irish bar. I gave him a guarantee that we would not go there this time. Then, this girl wanted to meet up with J-Mo and she was all (yeah I did that), "We are at the Irish bar J-Biz doesn't want to go to. Come meet us." I stuck close to my guns and we went to Bates Battaglia's bar. There are always plenty of hot and/or skanky girls there, so it won. One drink turned into two. And two turned in to too many. All I know is, I stayed up waaaaay too late again. I was out of popcorn and I never made it to the bible reading I was supposed to do.
SUNDAY: Woke up early for no good reason , again. Got a phone call from Rev. Fotopolis wondering why I missed bible reading. I told him, I was worshiping Shiva now and hung up him. I made the couch my home and watch soccer all day. Best part about the World Cup? No more filthy Dutchmen in it. Thanks Portugal! Went to work, thus marking my 24th straight day of work with out a day off. God, do I love being American or what. Fucking Europeans get like 3 months off a year! Got off of work and caught The Venture Brothers season premiere. It was awesome. Fell asleep during the credits and dreamed about blogging this.

Scientology Works!

2006-06-20T17:21:00.000-04:00

David Feherty, an recovering alcoholic golf analyst who is also being treated for depression, had this to say about the ethos that is Dianetics:

Tom Cruise says there's no such thing as depression, that you can get better with physical exercise. Well, he's right-beating the shit out of Tom Cruise would be physical all right, and it would cheer me up.

I am all that is MAN!

2006-06-15T17:49:00.000-04:00

The readers have spoken! And they said that Rochester is the best fucking DJ in the Triangle. Thanks to all who voted. Thanks to all those who voted twice (Mom). I am so high off of this right now. This is way better than the sticky-icky (Truck). This too awesome!

Hmmmm...

2006-06-06T17:09:00.000-04:00

...this is not such a bad idea. I mean, he won back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championships. I know Fred McGriff gives it his full endorsement. This is an idea that gets results!

What..

2006-05-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

..the fuck!