Like a dog with a bone...

So, I had a little problem of trying to think of a joke for a punchline. I think most comedians have the problem the other way a round. Not that I think I am a comedian. I am just an asshole who thinks he is funny. And we all know that is waaaaaaay better. So Funny McJokerstein thought it would be good if I could make up the joke but make sure it includes Nazis. Mel Brooks always said there is nothing funnier than Nazis. So here we go:

So Himmler and Gobbels are in the bunker towards then end of the second World War. And because one they were bored, two they were kind of gay, three they were cold, and four they were hungry, they were playing a rousing game of ookie cookie. Hitler walked into the bunker and saw what was a-going on and decided to join in. At which point Himmler looked around and said, "Hey, this circle jerk is turning into a total sausage fest."

ZING! That works! Special thanks to Salvador Dali on this one.

Like a dog without a bone...

I was just thinking of this on Friday and I couldn't stop laughing. It is a punchline to a joke or a skit, but I can't really make up one around it. I am sure everyone goes through this from time to time. I am just going to give it to you and maybe you can think up the scenario. Kewl? Kewl.

"This circle jerk has turned into a total suasage fest."

It is gross, I know, but you know it is kind of funny.

"My lawyahs is talkin' to day lawyahs"

Huh? I think if I made a drinking game up with every time the "Evil Pimp" (side note: That's rather redundant. Isn't smacking women and keeping them in sexual slavery evil enough?) says, "Ya know what I am saying?" you take a shot, then you'd be snickerface in the first 30 seconds of the video.

Is that your Christain name?

I was watching "Cops" this afternoon and they were filming in Jersey City. It was so far away from being as good as it could've been. However, there was an Italian cop who had the best name ever! What was it? I got to go all artsy for this one:

Arsenio Ferrari

Awesome.

VH-YES!

I was over at With Leather today and saw this post. I was not blown away by the video. Why? Because I own that on VHS. It is pretty damn awesome though. The beginning has a claymation version of Red spinning a basketball on his hand. I guess, Pixar killed the whole claymation concept. Assholes. It also features a segment where Red makes fun of Pistol Pete's excessive use of the crossover dribble. Oh and I still have and use my VHS player. Blue-Ray is for people who drive hybrids or decided to go into debt to watch TV.

Joe Cool

I don't have a real train of thought at any moment in my life. It's like a dog and a cat are fighting in my head most of the time. That's one reason I drink. The drinking stops the fighting and sometimes it might kill a few cats and dogs. So last week when I on vacation, the cat and dog were fighting again. Then, this came out of my mouth, "If I were an eccentric millionaire, I would own a camel." *meow* *meow* *arf* *bark*

Then had all these ideas of living in some random little town in New England and I ride my camel to the town tavern. It seems completely insane, but I did a little research on it. It is totally feasible. Camels are anywhere from $3000 to $5000. Which, if you take into account how much I made last year, might as well be a $1,000,000. But, when I am old and retired from whatever I wind up doing, I am totally doing it. Oh and I am totally going Bactrian. Why? Because Bactrians Camels do it with two humps. SHIT! THAT'S GOING TO BE THE T-SHIRT I WEAR ON MY CAMEL!

'What do you mean, 'You people'?"

YES!

Richard, Richard, Richard.

As I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall a couple weeks ago, I thought "Oh ho ho! I can see Jason Segal's penis. That is very funny." Then, I saw Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the trend of see in male genitalia continues. I guess, penises have stopped being so ugly and become funny all of a sudden. I know that I have had the experience of women laughing when they see mine, so that kind of explains why people were laughing when they saw penises in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story. That's what I tell myself. Then, I tell myself, "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right." *sigh*

Is there a draft in here?

First off, how weird does Matt Ryan look? Did you notice when he talked his jaw didn't move, but the top part of his head did? Hmmm...


Separated at birth? I think so. Let me copy 3000 and look at how my boys did:

• 1/20: Aqib Talib, CB Kansas: He sounds ethnic and you all know how I feel about that. This was a good pick. I am sick of people saying the Bucs needed a WR. There were no WR who deserved to be picked in the 1st round this year. They were a veritable who's who of 3rd options on a college team. He is big for a CB and without Brain Kelly or Dwight Smith (please come home, Dwight) we need more depth in the secondary. Nice pick.
• 2/58: Dexter Jackson, WR, Appalachain State: I bet J-Mo can't wait to say something to me about this. And I am sure once his fiancee allows him to look at the interweb or the sports section he'll let me have it. Jackson is fast, but he hasn't really played in a system like a John Gruden offense. Just saying one of his plays is like a really shitty tongue twister.
• 3/83: Jeremy Zuttah, OG, Rutgers: I can only hope this guy turns out like any of the offensive linemen we have gotten in the past three year. Ew, but Zuttah? That's a bit ethnic, too. Where are the Smith and Jones when you need them.
• 4/115: Dre Moore, DT, Maryland: I hate this pick. Mainly because I hate all things Maryland. I can't even eat crab cakes anymore. This guy has 4th round disappointment written all over him. He got it done at the same tattoo parlor Merriman goes to. LIGHTS OUT!
• 5/160: Josh Johnson, QB, San Diego: This was kind of a mistake by Gruden. he actually though he was getting a journeyman back-up QB from the San Diego Chargers. He'll have to spend time with the other 6 QB's we have on our roster until he has matured into an old bitter disappointment. I am sure Brain Griese can help him out. Good old fashioned American name though.
• 6/175: Geno Hayes, OLB, Florida State: He is kind of small, but he comes from a great LB system. And playing a year under Chuck Amato only helped him (Wait, did I just type that?). He'll take a couple of season, but I think he is an amazing value pick this late in the draft.
• 7/238: Cory Boyd, RB, South Carolina: Spurrier RB's in the NFL? Well, there is....um....what about? Wait, there was that one guy....no...that's not it. At least this guy has off the field problems. I am sure Michael Pittman can teach him how to hit his with with an SUV or something.

I give Tampa Bay a B-/C+.

Now for the Pack in the draft, and this really shouldn't take long:

• 3/82: DaJuan Morgan, S, Kansas City Chiefs: He is really fast, but not the best of tacklers. He would've benefited staying around another year. I understand why he left, being that Tom O'Brien doesn't have much need for the leftovers of an Amato secondary, but he needed another year. He now gets to renew his old Madden rivalry with Oliver Hoyte and Tank Tyler. I am sure that was on the Chiefs mind when that drafted him.
• 5/114: DeMario Pressley, DT, New Orleans Saints: He is loaded with talent. He had two really acrobatic INTs that past year. However, he has a hard time staying healthy. He will benefit by playing in New Orleans as I find them to have a good core of D-Linemen. Not a bad pick for the 5th round.

I am woman hear me roar.

From this picture, it looks like Danica's crew team was excited about the victory, too.

Decision 2008!

Which one is better?
A. Unicorn humping dolphin?

or

B. "Where's Waldo?" Bhudda?

Like Puff Daddy said, "Vote or Die."

The Dugout

3000 turned me on to "The Dugout" not too long ago and, I may be jumping the gun, but it may be the best thing ever written since the Holy Bible. I am gonna give Nick Dallamora a link and get rid "Celeutaint" the old heave-ho. That dude hasn't posted a pic since November. How hard can it be to put up a see-thru pic of Lindsay Lohan or Tyne Daly getting out of the bath tub covered in tiny sexy bubbles? Enjoy.

On the Aisle with Rochester

So, I rented Babel the other night. It was all right and I really wanted to do a post about it. I sat down with a notepad and started writing notes on it, because my brain, well, she no work so good. I decided that the notes are the best way to show how the movie was for me. Also, there are spoilers in the notes, just so you know:

• Great another movies starting with an Arab buying a gun. Way to be original.
• A Mexican house keeper taking care of some rich dude kids. I am starting to see a crappy trend in the movie.
• A deaf Japanese girl. Shit, how long until Sean Penn playing a retard shows up?
• Oh, the kids are mean to the deaf Japanese girl and SNAP! DID SHE JUST FLASH HER STUUF?! SNAP! SHE DID IT AGAIN!
• Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are having couples problems. You know what would help guys? Cate Blanchett should show her stuff.
  
• I wonder what the Japanese girl is doing when Brad Pitt or that Mexican housekeeper is on screen. Does she think about me?
  
• Oh, look whose back. The deaf Japanese girl. I wonder if she'll YUP! SHE JUST FLASHED IT AGAIN! I am moving to Japan.
  

(Then I fall asleep for an hour.)

• I wake up just in time for the deaf Japanese girl to throwing herself naked at some dude. AMAZING!

I slept through half of it, but with graphic nudity I give it two and half stars out of four.

Hey Rochester!

"How do you feel about Tyler Hand-bag, now?"

Yup, still gay.

Come on, White Jesus...

What is a matter, God? Is this how you get your jollies? The founder of Popeye's Chicken died this week and then God goes all Killy McGee and takes the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, too. With all the totally deserving douche bags in the world, why take these two truly great men? If the founder of T.J. Cinnamon's (Pecan Sticky? WOW!) dies tomorrow, then I am going to seriously look at my religious affiliation.

The King and I

So there seems to be a stink about Lebron James and Gisele's cover for Vogue. 3000 and I have been talking about this for the longest time. WHY DO ATHLETES NOT HAVE P.R. GUYS? There was Portis and his pro-dog fighting last year. Then, there was Micheal Vick's lawyer and his "spring training" comment to the media, which might have been only second to Drew Rosenhausenfeldgoldman's apology on behalf of Terrel Owens. With that being said, how is it possibly that the one of the top athletes in the world can allow this cover to go through and not even think about the ramifications? I think one of the worst things about it is the fact that it is the first time a black man has ever appeared on Vogue and this is what they come up with. Real nice.

I Own You, Luis Castillo.

I had my rotisserie baseball auction this past Sunday. And I think I did fine, but not awesome. This is the 6th year in a keeper based salary cap league. There are 14 teams in it, so players in general are short. The closest I have ever finished to the top was 6th place in the league's third year. My team's name was "Crazy Legs Santo". How deliciously off color! Here is a little recap of my picks. I had 11 positions and $118 to spend. I was in the middle of the pack as far as money was concerned.

1. Luis Castillo ($6): I needed a 2nd baseman and he has been amazing consistent every year. This is actually his third go round on my teams. I got him for about $10 less dollars then I thought he would go for. I was pretty excited. But it was the 1st hour of the auction.
2. R. Pauilino ($1): Not the best catcher available, but extremely cheap. And from what I have read about him he really wants to play better this year. He lost 15 pounds in the off season. Not steroid pounds, just Frankie May pounds. I got a dirt cheap catcher and at this point I am way below what I thought I would have to spend. I have 9 players and $111 to spend.
3. G. Maddux ($11): Yes, he is old. Yes, he doesn't get K's like he used to. However, he gets W's, has a low WHIP, and gets to pitch in PETCO for half of his starts. This is his second stint on the Wake County Militia. I expect him to not suck and just be solid.
4. R. Sexson ($10): I had just lost out in a heated bidding war to get Travis Hafner. I got all the way up to $42 and just could go any higher. I needed a corner infielder and took Sexson based on reports that they are trying to shorten his swing. He should be good for HRs, but I know his average is going to suck. That being said, $10 for a guy who has 30-40 HR potential is pretty good.
5. T. Gordon ($10): My league is crazy for closers. Eric Gagne went for something like $25. Joe Nathan went for $30+. I have Brad Lidge on my team, but he is shaky at best ever since Albert Poo-Holes hit a HR that hit Brad Lidge's car in Tropicana Field's parking lot. Also, Lidge is banged up for the start of the season. This was a no brainier insurance pick.
   
6. Jack Cust ($15): J.D. Drew had just went for $20 dollars. I needed an OF pretty bad, because Alou is hurt for a month and most likely will be hurt again. Jose Guillen is suspended for the first 15 games. The need was crucial. Cust hit 26 HR last year and just turned 28. He is solid, but not outstanding. I like this pick.
   
7. Lyle Overbay ($4): He has been on my team every year. I released him before the draft because He was going to be $30+. He is not worth that much. So, I through him out into the FA field. He hit .240 last year, but was a pretty consistent .300 the three years before that. With Vernon Wells hopefully coming back and with Scott Rolen in that lineup. I expect him to come on back to form. Cheap, too.
8. David DeJesus ($12): It is the 4th hour of the auction and I am getting bored as hell. I needed another OF and at this point DeJesus was the best available. My other backups on my team are Johnny Gomes and Chris Duffy. They are good player who are not guaranteed playing time. I needed a guaranteed player. DeJesus is playing for the Royals this year. I could see them being a nice offensive team and putting an 70 win season up. He should be good for average and the randoms steal.
9. Tony A. Pena ($5): A young closer for the Diamondbacks. I think people were running out of money and just didn't want to risk it for an unproven closer. He throw hard and Arizona is a decent team. I consider this the steal of the draft.
10. Felipe Lopez ($15): The SS pickings were super slim. I lost out on Furcal and the draft was coming to a close. I needed a SS so bad I could taste it. That taste? Felipe Lopez. I thought, "He wasn't as good a Zendon Hamilton, but what the heck." He was an All-Star two years ago until he start playing for Nationals at Sirhan Sirhan Stadium. The new field should help his numbers. I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money. So, out comes the wallet.
11. Rick VandenHurk ($9): A f*cking Dutchman! I needed a back up SP and I was looking at Daniel Cabrera. That should've been a warning to me that 5 hours is too long for a baseball auction. This kid that I was picking on most of the past six season put this name out there for $1. I was bored, tired, and felt like being a dick so I outbid him. I had no idea who he was. I did some research on him and I kind like him. He is a little young, but when you look at someone like Matt you realize that the Dutch age really quickly. You have to use them really quickly, before they expire. Again, I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money.

Five hours later, I go home and give my life a serious look.

What the George Lazenby?

So, Daniel Craig, aka the man who gives hope to all men with bad teeth or the British, is going to marry Satsuki Mitchell. I have no idea who she is, but this photo of her is straight spooky. She gots them crazy eyes. I may not know how to maintain a long term relationship or even talk to a woman without saying "Drop them" at the end of the conversation, but I do know crazy eyes. Daniel, those eyes are crazy. Those are the kinds of eyes you see when at 5 am staring down at you when those eyes are holding a tile saw near your little piggies. I am just warning you, 007.

Ballpoint Sean Penn

I went to the $1.50 theater yesterday to see Into The Wild and now I hate Sean Penn a little bit more. I don't think I needed to spend a $1.50 to do that, but I did anyway. Every film critic has been referring to this as the ill-fated journey of self discovery by Christopher McCandless. Here is a plot write up from imdb.com:

Based on a true story. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters who shape his life.

I don't see where they got athlete from in the movie. Now if they had said "self involved rich douche bag" then I 'd see that. I can only hope more kids start doing this and I don't have to look at as many of these kids riding in SUV's with Sierra Club stickers on the back. Christopher decides to cut himself off from everyone as revenge for his dad beating up on his mom. The best part is he cuts himself off from both his mom and kid sister. Wow, real nice. So to exact revenge on his abusive dad, he drags everyone who cares about him through hell and back. That makes sense. SPOILER! He dies and, much like the three annoying kids in Cloverfield, I was so glad when is happened.

The point that Sean Penn tries to get across, with the subtly of me staring at the thick NC State dance team member's butt at the NC State/FSU game this week, is that we are way too into consumerism. Thanks, Sean. I get it. Now, could you go rescue a someone drowning in a flood and give me my two and a half hours back? No? Okay, fine. But, I am still gonna oggle your wife and wonder what I could've spent my $1.50 on instead of your movie. (P.S. A tall boy of Pabst)

Side note: Zack Galifianakis has a small bit part in the movie. His talents are not at all utilized. However, there is a scene where they introduce you to Wayne, played by Vince Vaughn. The guys are all laughing...hard. I thought, "Why are they faking laughing so hard?" Then, I see Zack G. in the corner. I am 90% certain they were laughing at something he said.

And you call yourself a sports fan...

My co-worker today had no earthly clue who Erin Andrews was. I was stunned. In his defense, he is a NC State and Syracuse fan and she usually only works the big banger games. Neither of theses teams have seen any of those. I also thought Matt might enjoy this as the photo I posted of Brady Anderson has been raping a hole in his eyes. She one in a million girls.