Never Play a Player

Annie, I originally delinked you because you left that damn one-eyed cat picture up for over tow weeks. I asked you in person to either post something else or get it off. You said, "I am was just waiting for you to freak out over it. I'll take care of it now." A week passed, and still cycloptic cat stared me in the face when I went to see if you had a new post. I figure your blog for dead, and when I take things like this into account. I was sure it was dead. Oh but linking me to a gay blog is soooooo offensive. I guess you win. I should have watched my back.

UPDATE:
Hal Turner is no longer speaking for Annie.

UPDATE II:
Upon further investigation, I have discovered that I have not been properly linked from "The Steel". So until further notice, "The Steel" will be something I like. She like cats. I like big ugly dogs. BOOYAHKA!

Poker, I hardly know 'er

So there was a poker night this Saturday at AH's and the crafty old coot known as Rochester could not make it. Why? Because I went to a gun range for the first time! J-Biz came along with me, it was his first, too. It was awesome! I shot a Glock 9mm and .40, and a Taurus .38 Special. Much like sex was for the ladies, I was a little scared and it hurt the first time I shot the gun. But, just like sex is for the ladies, I couldn't get enough off it, and want to do it all day long! They had a handful of targets for the modern shooter. I took the one of a mustachioed dude in a knitcap, who was holding a lady hostage. When I got my aim on him. I yelled, "Let the bitch go, dirtbag!" Luckily, all everyone had on pretty good ear protection and I was the only one who heard. I pepper the scumbag's face and throat with numerous rounds. Two shots kind of got away from me, but the lady was fine. I think it only would have messed up her "Farrah hair". The more traditional target it this. What the hell is so menacing about this one? When shooting it I was thinking, "Sir! Sir! Please stand in a more masculine way or I will be forced to kill you." I just didn't get it. Also, all of you need to start saving up you dollars because Rochester is coming next time.

The Over-Under on the Over-Under

Firetruck and Creepy Serial Killer are going on the town tonight. And if you are like me you love gambling. On ANYTHING! I once bet on a youth soccer game. I have one of those personalities. Well, here are the odds of the goings on in tonight's date:

• Creepy Serial Killer scores - 1,000,000:1
• Creepy Serial Killer tells his mama that he did - 1:3
• Creepy Serial Killer starts the date with a high five - 2:3
• Creepy Serial Killer gets drunk - 25:1
• AH drops from the rafters of the restaurant when his split leg gives out, because he is too fat to do shit from "Splinter Cell" - 45:1
• Firetruck end the date because Creepy Serial Killer refuses to let her win at darts - 1:100
• The dude who gets darts thrown at his hand show up at the restaurant and begs Truck to stab his hand with a fork - 200:1
• Creepy Serial Killer accidentally brushes the back of his hand against Truck's massive cans, but tells all his buddies (aka his mama) that he got to second base - 19:1
• Rochester stays home and cries at "Remember the Titans" while drinking a warm 18-pack of Natural Light - 4:5
• Creepy Serial Killer goes to get money during the date and the phrase "Kiss Big Daddy's rings 'fore I have to get my brand new Gucci loafers up yo' ass" is uttered - 20:1
• Instead of flowers and candy, Creepy Serial Killer shows up with a 6 month-old copy of "Bear" magazine and a cheese danish in a hankercheif - 49:2
• Truck tells Creepy Serial Killer about her unnatural relationship with three men in the blog-o-sphere and Creepy Serial Killer responds with "Kink-kay!" - 54:3
• Creepy Serial Killer takes Truck to Lake Gaston to look at his 24-foot Grady-White, to which Truck responds "This is not the kind of motorboat I was looking for" - 39:2
• At some point in the evening Creepy Serial Killer will ask Truck, "Who wants a 5-o'clock shadow ride?" - 2:1
• Creepy Serial Killer picks Truck up in a Chevy Van - 3:1
• Creepy Serial Killer will reminisce about that kick ass Chevy Van he had in high school - 2:3
• Creepy Serial Killer was in high school in 1978 - Even
• The date ends with a kisses - 400:1
• The date ends with Creepy Serial Killer looking down in Truck saying "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose, again. It does this whenever its told." - 1:250

What else am I missing?

Clever...

...I compare this guy to Nagin and Lauch Faircloth. I wonder if I could run for a government position in Palestine? I know I could get votes with the whole "Hating Israel" crowd, but I think I'd lose votes from the whole "Blowing Themselves Up" set. Also, do you think Hillary would run over there if she could? Vince Foster would have wanted her to.

Matt...

...I guess that last post was kind of for Annie. And since you two are a couple now, I better post up some shit for you. Here! You big ol' homophobe!

Mark Ass Tricks...

....Trick Ass Marks! Kitty's best to raise up!

Quick Friday Night Notes:

1. Wife (AH!'s wife) is a lot of fun.
   
2. I do not know why I didn't notice this the first time we met. Maybe it was because she was sittin' with her chest against the bar (as usual), but Firetruck got some big ol' boobies. I bet there is a "motorboat" somewhere in their future, too. And I doubt it will be from the 40 year-old darts aficionado, who was all up on her.
3. Annie is awesome because she bought my first rounds of beers.

Ironic...

I noticed this one in class today; it is rather difficult to pronounce the word "effortlessly". It is a fact.

Finally...

A race where both AH! and I have a chance? I think someone has finally answered my dilemma of donuts and running. My prediction: Rochester 48:39. AH!? You up for it? MB? Annie? Truck? I'll be there.

Weak-end...

I love watching football. The only thing that makes watching football better is watching football and drinking beer. The only thing better than watching football while drinking beer is watching football while drinking beer and eating. That being said I both love and hate the playoffs. I love them because it is football played at the highest level, unless you are the Bears, who gave up almost as much offense in one game than what they gave up all year. I hate the playoffs because it symbolizes the end of professional football. I am gonna misses you, NFL. Also, mega-apologies to MB. He got a little mouthy about my Bucs and we got into a little war of words. I knew he and I didn't mean all those things we said. It was just the Bagel Bites talking. You wanna know what we said? Do you AH!? Well, maybe you ought to stick around and watch the whole game next time. Instead of leaving a almost completely full tall boy of Coors and running home to your lady.

Sluts...

...I always knew they'd do it. They can't get enough of it. I bet they wanted it so bad they were begging for it. Oh yeah, take it all, you Korean skank. What's that you say? You mean this article is really about cattle beef? Oh boy, my bad. But seriously, what kind of title is that for an article? I have read less suggestive titles in Hustler.

Set You Radio to "Stunning"

Rochester is back on the radio! Every Friday from 9am-11am, a little time slot I call the "Magic Hours". Tune in!

Rochester: Always on Sale in the Market

So, Truck finally cut herself loose from all that dead weight. Well, I know that Truck and I and my various internet alter egos have had out run-ins, but I think we are both adult enough to put that all behind us and look to what could be a lovely future. I drop it on you all E-Fucking-Harmony style:

1. My name is not synonymous with "Moons over My Hammy"
2. I do not smoke and never even once have I smoked a cigarette. You can lean on me for that one. I am just that strong.
3. I don't drink champagne, but I do drink the "Champagne of Beers".
4. If we combine our names like Tom-Kat or Bennifer, then it sounds like a small town in Pennsylvania. Fire-Chester. I like it. OOOOH, or Rock-Truck! WHAT!
5. I have most of my original teeth. I lost two wisdom teeth and I have one crown, but it looks kind of gold, so that's kinda cool. Right?
6. I have an awesome collection of Bible-oriented comic books.
7. I have a full head of hair and weigh less that 1/8th of a ton. I weigh 1/10th of a ton.
8. I can convert my weight into stone. I am 14 stones.
9. I don't need my ego stroked. I've been doing that by myself since I was 12.
10. My turn-ons include long walks on the beach, salmon-colored roses, sea winds, speed buggy racing, deep fried anything and naked women.
11. My turn-offs include baby blue anything, war, the Gummy Nerd Rope, and Fresca.

The weekend is here, Truck. Whatcha wanna do?

Fuck Sports

I kept asking myself all weekend long, "Why do you do this to yourself?" I knew by 8:00 pm EST Saturday that the Carolina Panthers were going to win on Sunday. State lost to Carolina. Tampa Bay lost to the Rednecks. My teams have kind of an all or nothing way about them. They either all win at once or all lose at once. So, since I knew the Panthers were going to win on Sunday, I was keeping a spare eye on the Wuss-consin and MSU basketball game. And then it hit me, does anyone else think that Kammron Taylor looks exactly like Chris Rock? I mean, m aybe not as much as how Steve Nash looks like Jackie Earle Haley? Or as bad as Andrew Bynum and Florida Evans from "Good Times"? But close none the less.

Late Ass Christmas Party

So, Tons-a-Fun (aka Tonsy, aka Hunny Bun, aka Fat Jesus) calls me last night asking about some tunes to play for his office "holiday" party coming up. I know he lives in a diffenrnt time zome, but I never knew it was two weeks behind the rest of the fucking world! What holiday are they partying for now? Do Jehovah's Witnesses run your company? Was you Christmas bonus a subscrption to The Watchtower? Anyhow, I told him I'd post some ideas I have for his party. Please add to my tiny list for the sake of Tons-a-Fun and his co-workers:

• "Candy Rain" by Soul for Real
• "You Remind me of My Jeep", "I'm Fucking You Tonight", or "Feelin' on Yo' Booty" all by the greatest R&B singer of the millenium, R. Kelly.
  
• the Chicken Dance song
• "Boyz-in-the-Hood" by Dynamite Hack
• "House Me Teenage Rave" by Green Jelly
• "Slide It In" by White Snake
• "Fight the Power" by the Isley Brothers
• "Hey Ladies" by the Beasties Boys
• the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero"
• and when all else fails you can play this!