Panda-monium

As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"

1. They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
2. They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
3. All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
4. They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
5. In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
6. And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
   
7. Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
8. Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.

In closing, pandas can suck it. Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.

Older and Bolder...

Okay, so I have a new ambition of trying to put up a top five list at least once a week. It may not seem all that bold, but when you look at the number of posts I am banging out, it just might. So, here is my top five older and bolder ladies. They are older 40 and still banging. Here we go:

5. Stacy Dash: She is on "Celebrity Circus" doing just crazy stunts! She also get gets bonus points for being in Clueless. However she gets negative points for having a teen aged son. I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked (and I would, too) to take a run at her.

4. Diane Lane: She just gets better with age and she has a higher chance of taking her clothes off now. What a delightful combination.

3. Joely Richardson: Admittedly she can be hit or miss. However, she is really hot on Nip/Tuck and that is what I see her on the most. Bonus for kissing a chick. I hope to do that one day.

2. Kelly Rowan: She is a total Matt pick, but whatevs. She was one of the sole reasons I watched "The O.C." for as long as I did. F#ck that exoskeleton Misha Barton (side note: How does a stick figure girls have a backside like this? That does not make sense!)

1. Jennifer Tilly: I heard this and I nearly plottzed. She'll be 50 in September. WHA! She'll be 50 and she already looks 10 years young that I do. Sure she doesn't pickle herself in Miller High Life and Bulleit Whiskey, but still. Also she and Gina Gershon in Bound made be want to piss off a mobster and take his money. Instead I just stole some quarters from my dad's piggy bank and hoped for the best.

So what's your top 5?

Thank You, Satan!

Oh thank you, Dark Lord! This is truly one of your greatest gifts. I would have gone to the Big Guy upstairs but he is waaaaay too busy killing off people who actually contribute something to the world. I know people always say be careful what you wish for, but this time I can see no flaw. No more Billy Packer. No more watching games and screaming at the TV, "Shut it, Packer!" There is no possible way this could backfire. It is nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

"Ya'll betta ax someboday!"

Dammit!

"Remember Me?"

Hi, I am Jordana Brewster. I am really hot and I haven't been in anything in over two years. Sounds like Rochester, at least the not being in anything in two years part. Ha Ha! LOLers! It is not because I am picky. I mean, I was in some of the worst movies made the millennium. The Fast and The Furious? Annapolis? Yup, that was me. And according to imdb.com, I am penciled to do the fourth installment of the The Fast and The Furious. I think they should call it The Fast and The Furious: 4 Some Reason. See that, I am clever, too. Well, just letting all of you normal folk, or as we call you in the Beautiful People's Club, Uggies, know that sexy people make mistakes, too. I am sure you could make a long list of them. Now I am off to SkyBar to ignore Matt Dillon. Why is he still there?