As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As
Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"
- They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
- They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
- All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
- They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
- In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
- And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
- Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
- Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.
In closing, pandas can suck it.
Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.
6 comments:
The reason why we care about pandas so much?
They're cute.
That is undeniable, no, do not deny it, they are the cutest animal on this planet. Asside from baby tigers & kittens. Because I will admit a just born panda is ewy.
But, as humans, we like pretty things. Ugly things must die, or at least not be in our eyesight. & Pandas are cute AND cuddly! It's great.
& they only eat bamboo. They dont attack you when your walking through the woods and attempt to eat your intestines. What, would you LIKE that? Ick.
Basically, yeah. Pandas rule. & THEY CAN KILL. You try to steal their baby, and they will rip your stomach to shreads. They simply do not attack without reason, dont give them one.
They're cute. Humans love cute. We save them for that reason. Deal with it. :]
you know what i just realized? sometimes, people are lower than pandas... like SOMEONE here! gosh, you know, just cuz your a human doesn't mean you have to be an ass.hole!
wow, way to care about the environment, asshole.
any animal that is endangered should be protected. why? because people were the ones who screwed them up in the first place. People like you.
fuck u asshole pandas r good and us a shitbag. go fuck a panda.
Wow, I might take Ari seriously if I could figure out her stupid. Anyways, you're right dude, screw pandas. And I don't care if they're cute, they're just liberal cannon fodder for rediculous funding for WWF.
FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCH YOU CAN GO AND FUCK YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN TINY FUCKING WORLD WHICH ONLY EXIST OF YR FUCKING SELF. YOU HAVE NO SHAME AND IS SO CHILDISH. you think you're right, but you're against the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD and that itself is stupid cause you think you're so big and mighty, like those (QUOTED FROM THIS FUCKER) "fat asses". your reasons are so invalid, grow up you fucking piece of shit. you can go and kill yourself now. you're worthless, and i hope YOU extinct. pandas are much more precious than people like YOU. bloody piece of shit, i bet you don't even know the answer to 1+1. and you have zero IQ, EQ and AQ, if you even know what it is. all you do is look at stuff like your fucking dick if you even have one. YOU ARE THE GAY FAGGOT. you bloody ass. and you, justin, is a shame to my brother's name. you should be named dustbin instead, you cant even spell your name properly. And your grammar and spelling is horrendous, do you EVEN know what horrendous means? It's created JUST FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU. yeah go ahead feel proud of it. you self-fucker idiot. and you know what? the MONEY you are using now, yes, the banknotes and the coins, ORIGINATED FROM THE CHINESE. so don't think you're so great -.- you must be an asshole from hell who should be sinking into your blanket full of your fucking tears. black and white, are the most important colours. without them,you will never be able to see other fucking colours like BROWN (which is YOU, since you love the dirty colour of MUD and SHIT). you can go and roll around in your truck full of shit now. BYE, FUCK BLESS YOU.
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