Why I Shouldn't Have Kids...

Once a douchebag...

...always a douchebag. As some of may know, I went to high school with one of the biggest losers. No, I don't mean loser as in "Man, Rochester what's with all the Barbie dolls in their original packaging? You are the biggest loser." (Ed. Note: I can believe a hooker would say such a thing.) I mean, she is a contestant on "The Biggest Loser". Anyhow after pod casting over at Buddy Randolph's, I went to the Crunkleton to watch it with a friend. I did not know that it was going to be an impromptu high school reunion. I stayed in the back and tried to fly under the radar, but this did not work. Can't a giant red-head with a beard hide anymore? This guy, let's call him Josh V. No, that doesn't work. Let's call him J. VanDerPuy. No, that's too vague. Josh VanDerPuy was the dude's name. I was not friends, associate, or acquaintances with this dude. Last time we even spoke to each other was when he kicked my in the back of my calf for not reason during soccer practice in the 4th grade. I don't hold grudge though, because I don't even remember that little shit who stole my green Voltron action figure in the 2nd grade. YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER, MOTHER FUCKER!

Any who, Josh is handing out superfluous high five and comes to me. I try to leave him hanging, but my momma didn't raise me like that. Here is the chit-chat:

• JOSH: You live here?
• ROCHESTER: No, I live in Raleigh.
• JOSH: Same thing.
• ROCHESTER: (fire fills eyes) What did you say?
• JOSH: It's the same thing. Just like here and Asheville.
• ROCHESTER: Start running.

Okay so the last part didn't happen, but the other parts are true. What in the world is this shovelfuck talking about? Raleigh is the same as Chapel Hill? Or Asheville? Okay, so it might be a little similar to Asheville, but not the great City of Oaks. I had nothing but murderous rage in my heart when I heard such a statement. I really hope it is another 20 years until we talk again, VanDerPuy. And we wonder why I hate the Dutch.

Are you there, God? It's me. Rochester.

First NC State beats ECU in dramatic fashion, then this happens. Looks like someone decided to put our differences behind us and start looking towards a better life. A better life hopefully with out DJ AM and Travis Barker. Thanks, Big Guy.

PS Sorry about the other four though.

Please, just go already...

I was a-working last night and some old woman came in and axed if she could use our bathroom. I grunted and pointed her the way to the bathroom and she said, "Thanks, you are saving my life."

This might be the last thing in the world I want to here when I let a someone use the bathroom. Bitch, just use it and go. The only thing I can think of worse than that would be if she said, "I don't know what it is about public restrooms that make me so f*cking horny." Douche chills!

Hey, girl. Ya hungry?

So that's over...

I really don't give two hot pockets about the Democrapic National Convention. The media talks about how it changed everyone perspective on Barry Obama and energized the party. This is total malarkey. Everyone knows who they are going to vote for by now and nothing from here until November 8th is going to change that. Nothing. Hillary's girls are not going to vote for McCain. And there is no such thing as an independent voter. An independent voter is just someone who doesn't like hearing all this hockey about how each candidate is worse than the other. With that being said, I want to pick on Michelle Obama's appearances and add no political commentary. In other words, I wanna be a bitch.

• Girl, tease that hair up all you want. You ain't hiding that fivehead (that is bigger than a forehead).
  
• What's wrong with your mouth? Girl, you chewing tobacco? You ain't gotta do that to attract redneck voters.
  
• Leave your little girls back stage. I don't need to see all that sixhead and sevenhead.

Watch out, this Rochester kitten has claws.

God, I miss Firetruck...

Why don't you just leave Michael Chang and come back to Rochester. You know what they say, "Once you go Rochester, then you should probably see a doctor. And not just a medical doctor, a psychiatrist is probably in order for you, too." It sound much more lyrical in its original Albanian.

I hate sports...

I figured since I did a lengthy post about how awesome I thought my rotisserie baseball draft went, that I might as well do a follow up on it. This is the trophy I am fighting for every year. I designed it, so let's call it the Rochester Cup. Believe it or not, my team is solidly in third...from the bottom. I should've just paid a hooker $60 to kick me in the balls (and I have). I would've gotten the same results. Let's recap my draft again:

1. Luis Castillo ($6): He is hitting . 261 with 13 SB's and 42 R's. This is not too bad for the price or the position. The problem is he is hold and he gets hurt all the damn time. I had to pick up Ronnie "Re" Belliard to fill the holes that he leaves all the time. I am willing to bet that the clubhouse showers has a rail in it so Luis doesn't slip and break his hip in there. RATING: B-


2. R. Pauilino ($1): Not enough AB's and didn't do much with them when he had them. Kind of like me with my looks. I dropped him for Jason Kendal and then I dropped him for Kelly Shoppach. I wish Misty May would take my example and drop Matt Treanor for me. RATING: F


3. G. Maddux ($11): Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one. 1 out of 4 starts he looks like a stud. It is those 3 other starts that'll get you. However, my league is so deep that I'll take any of the starters I can get. So... RATING: D+


4. R. Sexson ($10): Um, I believe I just said, "Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one." He was on pace for 30 HR, I was not wrong with that one, but he was also on pace to hit .190 on the worst team in the AL. Then the Yankees picked him up so now I have a $10 pinch hitter on my team who might hit a HR every other night if Giambi need to wax his mustache in the bottom of the 6th. Yikes! RATING: D-


5. T. Gordon ($10): I needed him at the time. I never expected to keep him past when Lidge came back. He was an answer to a question that no one asked. I just kind of wish I didn't spend that mcuh money on him. I dropped him, so I still kind of have that money for next year now. Not bad. RATING: B-


6. Jack Cust ($15): He is a lot like Sexson. Big on HR's (20) but little on average (.221). He can bash it, but when he slumps...look out! OF's are in short supply in my league. I doubt, that I'll keep him until next year. So, gimme my HR's, but no eye contact, Jack. RATING: C+


7. Lyle Overbay ($4): He has slumped that last month, but was hitting around .280 for a little bit. He isn't hitting for average, but gets a lot of AB's and has a bunch of H's. I saved a bunch of money on him and still stand by my pick. RATING: C


8. David DeJesus ($12): Been playing very well for the upstart Royals OF. He is hitting .290 with the occasional HR. Not bad, but my lineup needs a lot more then that. A good value pick. RATING: B


9. Tony A. Pena ($5): Not really getting the save yet. I guess in my reliever crazy league this may turn out to be a good pick next year. Ho-hum. RATING: C-


10. Rick VandenHurk ($9): Optioned to the minors by Marlins. Dropped from my team. That's what happens when you trust the Dutch. RATING: F

Overall, my rating of the draft was a D+. Better cut some wait and make some better moves for next year.

Panda-monium

As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"

1. They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
2. They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
3. All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
4. They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
5. In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
6. And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
   
7. Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
8. Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.

In closing, pandas can suck it. Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.

Older and Bolder...

Okay, so I have a new ambition of trying to put up a top five list at least once a week. It may not seem all that bold, but when you look at the number of posts I am banging out, it just might. So, here is my top five older and bolder ladies. They are older 40 and still banging. Here we go:

5. Stacy Dash: She is on "Celebrity Circus" doing just crazy stunts! She also get gets bonus points for being in Clueless. However she gets negative points for having a teen aged son. I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked (and I would, too) to take a run at her.

4. Diane Lane: She just gets better with age and she has a higher chance of taking her clothes off now. What a delightful combination.

3. Joely Richardson: Admittedly she can be hit or miss. However, she is really hot on Nip/Tuck and that is what I see her on the most. Bonus for kissing a chick. I hope to do that one day.

2. Kelly Rowan: She is a total Matt pick, but whatevs. She was one of the sole reasons I watched "The O.C." for as long as I did. F#ck that exoskeleton Misha Barton (side note: How does a stick figure girls have a backside like this? That does not make sense!)

1. Jennifer Tilly: I heard this and I nearly plottzed. She'll be 50 in September. WHA! She'll be 50 and she already looks 10 years young that I do. Sure she doesn't pickle herself in Miller High Life and Bulleit Whiskey, but still. Also she and Gina Gershon in Bound made be want to piss off a mobster and take his money. Instead I just stole some quarters from my dad's piggy bank and hoped for the best.

So what's your top 5?

Thank You, Satan!

Oh thank you, Dark Lord! This is truly one of your greatest gifts. I would have gone to the Big Guy upstairs but he is waaaaay too busy killing off people who actually contribute something to the world. I know people always say be careful what you wish for, but this time I can see no flaw. No more Billy Packer. No more watching games and screaming at the TV, "Shut it, Packer!" There is no possible way this could backfire. It is nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

"Ya'll betta ax someboday!"

Dammit!

"Remember Me?"

Hi, I am Jordana Brewster. I am really hot and I haven't been in anything in over two years. Sounds like Rochester, at least the not being in anything in two years part. Ha Ha! LOLers! It is not because I am picky. I mean, I was in some of the worst movies made the millennium. The Fast and The Furious? Annapolis? Yup, that was me. And according to imdb.com, I am penciled to do the fourth installment of the The Fast and The Furious. I think they should call it The Fast and The Furious: 4 Some Reason. See that, I am clever, too. Well, just letting all of you normal folk, or as we call you in the Beautiful People's Club, Uggies, know that sexy people make mistakes, too. I am sure you could make a long list of them. Now I am off to SkyBar to ignore Matt Dillon. Why is he still there?

Like a dog with a bone...

So, I had a little problem of trying to think of a joke for a punchline. I think most comedians have the problem the other way a round. Not that I think I am a comedian. I am just an asshole who thinks he is funny. And we all know that is waaaaaaay better. So Funny McJokerstein thought it would be good if I could make up the joke but make sure it includes Nazis. Mel Brooks always said there is nothing funnier than Nazis. So here we go:

So Himmler and Gobbels are in the bunker towards then end of the second World War. And because one they were bored, two they were kind of gay, three they were cold, and four they were hungry, they were playing a rousing game of ookie cookie. Hitler walked into the bunker and saw what was a-going on and decided to join in. At which point Himmler looked around and said, "Hey, this circle jerk is turning into a total sausage fest."

ZING! That works! Special thanks to Salvador Dali on this one.

Like a dog without a bone...

I was just thinking of this on Friday and I couldn't stop laughing. It is a punchline to a joke or a skit, but I can't really make up one around it. I am sure everyone goes through this from time to time. I am just going to give it to you and maybe you can think up the scenario. Kewl? Kewl.

"This circle jerk has turned into a total suasage fest."

It is gross, I know, but you know it is kind of funny.

"My lawyahs is talkin' to day lawyahs"

Huh? I think if I made a drinking game up with every time the "Evil Pimp" (side note: That's rather redundant. Isn't smacking women and keeping them in sexual slavery evil enough?) says, "Ya know what I am saying?" you take a shot, then you'd be snickerface in the first 30 seconds of the video.

Is that your Christain name?

I was watching "Cops" this afternoon and they were filming in Jersey City. It was so far away from being as good as it could've been. However, there was an Italian cop who had the best name ever! What was it? I got to go all artsy for this one:

Arsenio Ferrari

Awesome.

VH-YES!

I was over at With Leather today and saw this post. I was not blown away by the video. Why? Because I own that on VHS. It is pretty damn awesome though. The beginning has a claymation version of Red spinning a basketball on his hand. I guess, Pixar killed the whole claymation concept. Assholes. It also features a segment where Red makes fun of Pistol Pete's excessive use of the crossover dribble. Oh and I still have and use my VHS player. Blue-Ray is for people who drive hybrids or decided to go into debt to watch TV.

Joe Cool

I don't have a real train of thought at any moment in my life. It's like a dog and a cat are fighting in my head most of the time. That's one reason I drink. The drinking stops the fighting and sometimes it might kill a few cats and dogs. So last week when I on vacation, the cat and dog were fighting again. Then, this came out of my mouth, "If I were an eccentric millionaire, I would own a camel." *meow* *meow* *arf* *bark*

Then had all these ideas of living in some random little town in New England and I ride my camel to the town tavern. It seems completely insane, but I did a little research on it. It is totally feasible. Camels are anywhere from $3000 to $5000. Which, if you take into account how much I made last year, might as well be a $1,000,000. But, when I am old and retired from whatever I wind up doing, I am totally doing it. Oh and I am totally going Bactrian. Why? Because Bactrians Camels do it with two humps. SHIT! THAT'S GOING TO BE THE T-SHIRT I WEAR ON MY CAMEL!

'What do you mean, 'You people'?"

YES!

Richard, Richard, Richard.

As I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall a couple weeks ago, I thought "Oh ho ho! I can see Jason Segal's penis. That is very funny." Then, I saw Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the trend of see in male genitalia continues. I guess, penises have stopped being so ugly and become funny all of a sudden. I know that I have had the experience of women laughing when they see mine, so that kind of explains why people were laughing when they saw penises in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story. That's what I tell myself. Then, I tell myself, "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right." *sigh*