Careful of what you google...

A quick lil' side note. As I was googling "smores" looking for an image to link to, and this lil' beauty popped up. WTF!

I was promised hot chicks...

So, the Militia was planning to have our annual bake sale this past Saturday. I usually make my own creation, "Smore Brownies". They sell very well. Anyway, I could not make it. I was off to a friend's engagement party. Let me preface this with this little story. When I heard of this engagement party, I was told, "Rochester, you have to come. I'll be inviting some of my hot single teacher friends." So, of course, I went, with a 30% chance of rain and a 100% chance of hot single ladies. Upon arrival at the party I quickly realized that like the rain, the hot SINGLE friends I was promised were not there. Not only that, I was the only unattached person there. I think even the babies had a lil' sumtin' on the side. How does someone do this? I grabbed a hot dog, a beer, and proceeded to go all Yellowstone (blow up deep inside myself).

Epilogue: The bake sale came up $20 short. The exact amount my Smore Brownies would've brought in. It looks like all the students in the Rightist Wilderness Compound Prep School won't be getting their own copies of The Turner Diaries this year.

Three Episodes of Sheet...

What the hell are you talking about, Matt? Star Wars: Episode III was awful. It was like the movie was written by a third grader from an inner city school. And that third grader is illiterate. Oh, and doesn't talk to people, because he is afraid the words that come out of his mouth will be made fun of. It was just that bad. The chemistry between Hayden Christensen, who plays Anakin/Vader, and Natalie Portman, who plays Padame, was just not there. What's a matter, Lucas? Did you spend all your cast money on Samuel Jackson and Frank Oz? Or did you waste it on buying more computers to make the movie for you? I am sure James Vander Biek or Ryan Phillipe were available. That Christensen kid cannot act, and definitely cannot carry one of the biggest film series of all time. Then, to make matters worse when they finally get Vader all suited up, they ruin him, by making him walk like fvcking Frakenstein. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!
And another thing, Christopher Lee played Count Dooku. I was upset, because that guy is working double time on the nerd circuit. He was also Saruman the White in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He must be up to his eyeballs in nerd 'tang. Overall, George Lucas served up three steaming piles and took home a big ol' check. Satan can have his soul now. However, General Grievous did kick ass. And for the Sports Nerd out there, Axel Dench played one of the wookies.

I Wonder How Durant Feels About This...

This is yet another strange episode in the athletic career of Rggie Love. Although, I am not sure how those frat boys' balls come into play with this.

Trouble at The Compound

It was Saturday evening at the Wake County Militia's own Rightist Wilderness Compound. Pfc. Randy, Cpl. Husky G., and yours truly were planning a late night offense on Peace Street Market. It appears that the owners of the Market had been stockpiling Miller Genuine Draft, and it was the Militia's job to cut into those stockpiles. Cpl. Husky G. had the supplies we needed to cut into their MGD lines. With $30 in quarter and penny rolls he set out on his mission, Operation Thirsty Fatties. This left Pfc. Randy and me to watch the evenings episode of Saturday Night Live. Pfc. Randy was rather excited because Lindsay Lohan was hosting. The Militia had been running low on hand lotion, and we all knew Lindsay Lohan's Rumors video and Randy were to blame. I found Lindsay, and her large possibly fake breasts, attractive as well. But what came out as the host was a shell of the Lindsay we once knew, literally.

She looked as though she was on the Brittany Murphy diet of crack and Sweet-n-Low packets. Pfc. Randy started to throw-up. I just rubbed his shoulders telling him, "Its OK. You're not human. This doesn't effect you." It was no use. This is a bad trend in Hollywood. I like a woman with some meat on her bones, because (prepare for a tasteless play on words) I wanna put my bone in that meat (sorry). Will someone please tell them to stop this sheet?! Look at them all:

1. Brittany Murphy
2. Paris Hilton
3. Mischa Barton
4. Lara Flynn Boyle
5. The Olsen Sisters
6. Calista Flockhart (I know she hasn't been in anything this millennium, but you know what I am gettin at)

And now Lindsay Lohan, WHY? Maybe she should get back with Wilmer Valderrama and get some of that good ol' Cuban cooking. Or come on down to the Compound and get a healthy diet of burritos and Miller beer, because we don't need a skinny women at the Compound. We are like the Amish. We need wide child bearing hips. Another unsettling Hollywood trend Lindsay Lohan is down with. Hot red-headed actress going blond. Gee, a blond in Hollywood, that is soooo out of the ordinary. So, Lindsay, go back to this. Please. Laura Prepon and Nicole Kidman, you too!

What if C-A-T really spelt dog?

If you know what movie that is from, then you know that my post is about nerds. I would like to think of myself as a nerd, but what kind of nerd am I? Thanks in large part to The O.C., nerds are not quite the shut in they once were. OH, and Cohen officially lost his nerd status when he had sex with a girl before he graduated from high school. You may ask, "Rochester, what kinds of nerds are there?" Well:

1. The Overt Nerd: Typically will display he is a nerd from a distance. His gear always starts with his glasses, then going down, his Sci-Fi movie T-shirt, denim shorts, white tub socks with black high tops, or for those summer months adidas slippers. He is well versed in Star Wars or Star Trek (he has chosen this well in advance) and knows of obscure attractive women, whose fame is a Maxim magazine cover away. They may display that they are either a juvenile or adult Overt Nerd by growing a goatee. They more than likely have a hatred of the outside world, yet do dream of being apart of it one day. Also, their music choices are re-mixes of old Nintendo video game them songs.
2. The Closet Nerd: Still rocks the glasses, but will dress in the top off the line from Old Navy. And they love to sport those Old Navy labels. It is to separate themselves from the Overt. They also know their fair share about SW or ST, but they don't feel the need to tell every living being about it.
3. The Hipster Nerd: Rocks glasses, but his are Buddy Holly-style. Has convinced themselves that they are not nerds, but forgot to tell anyone else. Knows way to much about underground music, and will tell you all you need to know about a band at a drop of a hat. Because Hipster Nerd is in "nerd denial" has a tendency to drink too much. They wear vintage/old dead guys clothes and t-shirts with clever sayings on them. They are fun to be a round because they are often well-read and their quips are nasty and clever.
4. The Sports Nerd: Might wear glasses. Often wears either a jersey or/and baseball cap. Is upset with the throwback jersey craze, because the people who wear those jerseys don't appreciate the players they represent. Will bore you to tear with stats with watching a sporting event, even minor league baseball games are tough. More than likely has a fantasy team for every sports, and talks trash about his "badass" fantasy team. Sports Nerd's day, week, or year can be ruined by one of his teams games/losses. More than likely has kept his stats for any recreational sport he has played. Has passes up going out, talking to people, eating, or sex to watch a sporting event.

Now, I am a hybrid of Sports/Hipster Nerd. And I know, there are now hundreds of different types of nerds out there. So, what are some more? Leave you nerd type in the comments page, and do not kid yourself if you are reading or writing a blog, then you are a nerd.

I Don't Want to Die Alone...

I am sorry I haven't been in the "sphere" for such a long time, but exams, papers and the like have kept me rather busy. Also, I have been in a shallow depression. I sent away for a companion. Someone to wake me up on the couch when I have to be in court. Someone to claim to unliscenced handgun as theirs in a traffic stop. Someone to spilt a bottle of ripple with while watching Jenna Loves Rocco on a Tuesday afternoon. But alas, this letter came in the mail to me:

From: Companions for Life

Mail Order Brides

Glendale, CA 91201

To: Rochester Binghamton

Rightist Wilderness Compound

Raleigh, NC 27605

Dear Mr. Binghampton,

Thank you for your interest in Companions for Life. Your request is greatly appreciated. However, because of our extensive screening process, we regret to inform you that we found you unfit to purchase one of our East-Asian mail order brides. We realize the denial may demand an explanation, so allow us to elaborate. First of all, our women are selected to be future brides based on their willingness or need to leave their home country. Their attitudes and physical appearance are arbitrary to the marriage process. For example, we cannot offer you a woman who enjoys deviled ham and speed-buggy racing or who has “really big ones” as you suggest. Nor can we require any of our women to legally change their names to “Brittany Spears Jr.”

Please be aware that all potential brides are looking to enjoy the freedom of the United States and have only the purest reasons for emigrating. None that we have dealt with so far have brought “the stink of Communism” with them and plan to take over our country’s government. Also, none of the women are versed in voodoo curses or know any “crazy Tae Kwon Do mind tricks” as you have postulated. Therefore, it would be pointless to use your innovative idea of “two weeks of good old-fashioned American cleansing.” Please keep in mind that we are open to new ideas and will certainly keep this one for files.

Again, we regret that we cannot offer you one of our exclusive Companions for Life. We ask that you please do not come to our office to “pick a winner.” They are not here. We do not have a drive-thru window, although, as we said, all outside ideas will be kept for consideration. We again thank you for your interest and wish that soon you can find a partner that shares your own unique outlook and interests. Sincerely,

Adrian Bueller III

Vice President