Trouble at The Compound

It was Saturday evening at the Wake County Militia's own Rightist Wilderness Compound. Pfc. Randy, Cpl. Husky G., and yours truly were planning a late night offense on Peace Street Market. It appears that the owners of the Market had been stockpiling Miller Genuine Draft, and it was the Militia's job to cut into those stockpiles. Cpl. Husky G. had the supplies we needed to cut into their MGD lines. With $30 in quarter and penny rolls he set out on his mission, Operation Thirsty Fatties. This left Pfc. Randy and me to watch the evenings episode of Saturday Night Live. Pfc. Randy was rather excited because Lindsay Lohan was hosting. The Militia had been running low on hand lotion, and we all knew Lindsay Lohan's Rumors video and Randy were to blame. I found Lindsay, and her large possibly fake breasts, attractive as well. But what came out as the host was a shell of the Lindsay we once knew, literally.

She looked as though she was on the Brittany Murphy diet of crack and Sweet-n-Low packets. Pfc. Randy started to throw-up. I just rubbed his shoulders telling him, "Its OK. You're not human. This doesn't effect you." It was no use. This is a bad trend in Hollywood. I like a woman with some meat on her bones, because (prepare for a tasteless play on words) I wanna put my bone in that meat (sorry). Will someone please tell them to stop this sheet?! Look at them all:

1. Brittany Murphy
2. Paris Hilton
3. Mischa Barton
4. Lara Flynn Boyle
5. The Olsen Sisters
6. Calista Flockhart (I know she hasn't been in anything this millennium, but you know what I am gettin at)

And now Lindsay Lohan, WHY? Maybe she should get back with Wilmer Valderrama and get some of that good ol' Cuban cooking. Or come on down to the Compound and get a healthy diet of burritos and Miller beer, because we don't need a skinny women at the Compound. We are like the Amish. We need wide child bearing hips. Another unsettling Hollywood trend Lindsay Lohan is down with. Hot red-headed actress going blond. Gee, a blond in Hollywood, that is soooo out of the ordinary. So, Lindsay, go back to this. Please. Laura Prepon and Nicole Kidman, you too!