I Don't Want to Die Alone...

I am sorry I haven't been in the "sphere" for such a long time, but exams, papers and the like have kept me rather busy. Also, I have been in a shallow depression. I sent away for a companion. Someone to wake me up on the couch when I have to be in court. Someone to claim to unliscenced handgun as theirs in a traffic stop. Someone to spilt a bottle of ripple with while watching Jenna Loves Rocco on a Tuesday afternoon. But alas, this letter came in the mail to me:

From: Companions for Life

Mail Order Brides

Glendale, CA 91201

To: Rochester Binghamton

Rightist Wilderness Compound

Raleigh, NC 27605

Dear Mr. Binghampton,

Thank you for your interest in Companions for Life. Your request is greatly appreciated. However, because of our extensive screening process, we regret to inform you that we found you unfit to purchase one of our East-Asian mail order brides. We realize the denial may demand an explanation, so allow us to elaborate. First of all, our women are selected to be future brides based on their willingness or need to leave their home country. Their attitudes and physical appearance are arbitrary to the marriage process. For example, we cannot offer you a woman who enjoys deviled ham and speed-buggy racing or who has “really big ones” as you suggest. Nor can we require any of our women to legally change their names to “Brittany Spears Jr.”

Please be aware that all potential brides are looking to enjoy the freedom of the United States and have only the purest reasons for emigrating. None that we have dealt with so far have brought “the stink of Communism” with them and plan to take over our country’s government. Also, none of the women are versed in voodoo curses or know any “crazy Tae Kwon Do mind tricks” as you have postulated. Therefore, it would be pointless to use your innovative idea of “two weeks of good old-fashioned American cleansing.” Please keep in mind that we are open to new ideas and will certainly keep this one for files.

Again, we regret that we cannot offer you one of our exclusive Companions for Life. We ask that you please do not come to our office to “pick a winner.” They are not here. We do not have a drive-thru window, although, as we said, all outside ideas will be kept for consideration. We again thank you for your interest and wish that soon you can find a partner that shares your own unique outlook and interests. Sincerely,

Adrian Bueller III

Vice President