Something for 3000

It is a well known fact that recent neuter, 3000, loves nothing more than to sit on his futon with his main woman and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos". I am more partial to "America's Home Snuff Videos", but that is just me. So, here is a lil' something for 3000.

WILMAAAAA!

I am sorry, Florida. But thanks in large part to Katrina and Rita, Wilma wudn't shit. They said the death toll is up to 10. I think 10 people would've died in Florida in one day anyhow. What is the median age down there? 79? No power for as much as 2 weeks? Wow, I wonder how the people who don't have any houses to run power to in Gulfport feel about that? So, be American, Florida, hike up you socks, light a candle and watch your high school football games in the afternoon, you ain't got it that bad.

Non-sex Toys

Remember when toys were actually fun?

So Wrong, Yet So Right

So, I was on Utter Wonder the other day and checking out his new Doodleday cartoon. Let me preface this with this, me and C. Monks do not have the same political ideology. We both just share a love of Star Jones. So, I was kind of just nodding my head in a very "sure-thing -sweetheart-my-body-my-choice" kind of fashion. Then, I get down to the comments. They are all similar to one another except for one. Did you spot it? Yeah, that's the one. I laughed at first and then looked around thinking, "Whoa, that was a bit offsides." I half-hoped it would be someone who hit his blog via mine (aka my loyal radio audience or daily blogging friends). And I wholely pray that it was not my Dad, doing his Pro-Life thang. You wanna know what I wanted to post until that dude (or dudette) ruined it for me?

• "I wanted an American Girls doll, too. But, my mommy had my brains sucked out with a vacuum cleaner, because she didn't wanna make her man wear a rubber. I never learned, is that the definition of 'IRONY'" ----->Baby Girl

That is offsides, too. However, at least it protect a woman's right to choose.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

I read this, and then I read my special imaginary newspaper, in my head. In it Rummy was quotes as saying, "I cannot understand a word these dudes are saying. And when I tried to tell them that they looked at me like I was speaking Chinese or something."

Did anyone know this?

Keira Knightley got down in The Jacket and a Brit remake of Dr. Zhivago. Not only that, she showed her dirty pillows in The Hole. Why am I just finding out about this? Why didn't she e-mail me when she did this? This is just like when Jonathan Taylor Thomas left Home Improvement and didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and tell me why. I mean, yes it might be a little weird that a 26 year old man is the founder of the JTT (that''s what real fans call him) Fan Club, but I made the effort of sending him the pictures of our retreat to the Hillsbrough Hog Days. Some of these Hollywood types need to recognize who is make them the hot shit that they are. On a side note, did anyone a short film called Tilt-A-Whirl? Well, JTT plays a character called "Customer #3" opposite none other that Justin Mutha Fvckin' Guarini! Keep your eyes out for this duo in my new movie, WTF: The End of Humanity!

Something for the ladies...

How to Get in Touch with Your Feminine Side:

1. Go to a comfortable place.
2. Disconnect from all distractions.
3. Turn off the lights.
4. Light a candle.
5. Find your feminine side.
6. Are you touching it?
7. Oh yeah, that's it. Keep on touching it.
8. That's nice.
9. Keeping on touching it, touch it like you know it.

You can't spell Obituary without bitch

So, with God going all kill happy as of recent, I have been thinking about my own mortality. I know that the Militia would go on and destroy Hilary Duff and force feed Lindsay Lohan, but I would be long gone. I know it is kind of vain to think that me, an overfed long-haired leaping gnome, would make such an impact that the world would wind up hearing my eulogy or reading my obituary. However, just like how I have never given up hope that the Buccaneers will draft me in the sixth round, I have not given up on the fact that I would get one of those sweet New York Times write-ups. As I will be dead, I want there to be a record that I do not want to see some words in my obituary. Despite the way how I die, I want you all to be sure that none of the following words or terms appear in that obituary:

• "...found with his 29 cats."
• "loner"
• "...next to his highlighted copy of The Turner Diaries."
• "rape/homicide"
• "...he never pulled out of his sugar-induced diabetic coma."
• "bullet-riddled body"
• "Police are still looking for his lower jaw."
• "homicide/rape"
• "Bobby Brown was the last man to see him alive."
• "pauper's grave"
• "...his torso was found in a culvert half a mile away."
• "syphilitic tumors"

At this time in my life, I am sure that I am missing something. What am I missing?

DRAGON BASEBALL Z!

This pretty much sums up the whole baseball postseason, in a confusing nutshell.

Matt Hates Movies...

I don't know if that is true. I do know that the next movie you should see is "Waiting..." not "Serenity". If you have ever worked in a restaurant, then you owe it to yourself to see it. I do like Matt do now. Dane Cook? Check. Ryan Reynods? Check. Waitresses, who I totally worked with? Check. I know I may be a bit biased, but the kitchen staff was the funniest thing in that movie. Oh, and yes, all restaurants have a kitchen crew that do those things, so beware. However, what they call "The Goat" I always knew as "The Trailer Hitch".

I have good news...

...I just save $80 on my car insurance by switching to GEICO. Lame, but true.

Deion Sanders said it the best...

...or I should say he sang it the best. When PrimeTime sang, "Must be the money". When I read this, all I could think was "must be the money" that is making me smile. Look out Keyshawn, you might be next.

Superdome? I think not...

We all know what Babs Bush (not the hot one) said about the Hurricane Katrina evacuees and their "kick-ass" living conditions in the Superdome. First off, I don't even think the Saints like playing football their when there isn't a gaping hole in the roof. Second, why live in the Superdome, (READ: remember to read this like the late not so great Rod Roddy), when you be living in this. It is effing amazing. And, the best part is your front door is a garage door. Now, that is killing two birds with one stone! AND THAT IS AMERICA!