You can't spell Obituary without bitch

So, with God going all kill happy as of recent, I have been thinking about my own mortality. I know that the Militia would go on and destroy Hilary Duff and force feed Lindsay Lohan, but I would be long gone. I know it is kind of vain to think that me, an overfed long-haired leaping gnome, would make such an impact that the world would wind up hearing my eulogy or reading my obituary. However, just like how I have never given up hope that the Buccaneers will draft me in the sixth round, I have not given up on the fact that I would get one of those sweet New York Times write-ups. As I will be dead, I want there to be a record that I do not want to see some words in my obituary. Despite the way how I die, I want you all to be sure that none of the following words or terms appear in that obituary:

• "...found with his 29 cats."
• "loner"
• "...next to his highlighted copy of The Turner Diaries."
• "rape/homicide"
• "...he never pulled out of his sugar-induced diabetic coma."
• "bullet-riddled body"
• "Police are still looking for his lower jaw."
• "homicide/rape"
• "Bobby Brown was the last man to see him alive."
• "pauper's grave"
• "...his torso was found in a culvert half a mile away."
• "syphilitic tumors"

At this time in my life, I am sure that I am missing something. What am I missing?