I Own You, Luis Castillo.

I had my rotisserie baseball auction this past Sunday. And I think I did fine, but not awesome. This is the 6th year in a keeper based salary cap league. There are 14 teams in it, so players in general are short. The closest I have ever finished to the top was 6th place in the league's third year. My team's name was "Crazy Legs Santo". How deliciously off color! Here is a little recap of my picks. I had 11 positions and $118 to spend. I was in the middle of the pack as far as money was concerned.

1. Luis Castillo ($6): I needed a 2nd baseman and he has been amazing consistent every year. This is actually his third go round on my teams. I got him for about $10 less dollars then I thought he would go for. I was pretty excited. But it was the 1st hour of the auction.
2. R. Pauilino ($1): Not the best catcher available, but extremely cheap. And from what I have read about him he really wants to play better this year. He lost 15 pounds in the off season. Not steroid pounds, just Frankie May pounds. I got a dirt cheap catcher and at this point I am way below what I thought I would have to spend. I have 9 players and $111 to spend.
3. G. Maddux ($11): Yes, he is old. Yes, he doesn't get K's like he used to. However, he gets W's, has a low WHIP, and gets to pitch in PETCO for half of his starts. This is his second stint on the Wake County Militia. I expect him to not suck and just be solid.
4. R. Sexson ($10): I had just lost out in a heated bidding war to get Travis Hafner. I got all the way up to $42 and just could go any higher. I needed a corner infielder and took Sexson based on reports that they are trying to shorten his swing. He should be good for HRs, but I know his average is going to suck. That being said, $10 for a guy who has 30-40 HR potential is pretty good.
5. T. Gordon ($10): My league is crazy for closers. Eric Gagne went for something like $25. Joe Nathan went for $30+. I have Brad Lidge on my team, but he is shaky at best ever since Albert Poo-Holes hit a HR that hit Brad Lidge's car in Tropicana Field's parking lot. Also, Lidge is banged up for the start of the season. This was a no brainier insurance pick.
   
6. Jack Cust ($15): J.D. Drew had just went for $20 dollars. I needed an OF pretty bad, because Alou is hurt for a month and most likely will be hurt again. Jose Guillen is suspended for the first 15 games. The need was crucial. Cust hit 26 HR last year and just turned 28. He is solid, but not outstanding. I like this pick.
   
7. Lyle Overbay ($4): He has been on my team every year. I released him before the draft because He was going to be $30+. He is not worth that much. So, I through him out into the FA field. He hit .240 last year, but was a pretty consistent .300 the three years before that. With Vernon Wells hopefully coming back and with Scott Rolen in that lineup. I expect him to come on back to form. Cheap, too.
8. David DeJesus ($12): It is the 4th hour of the auction and I am getting bored as hell. I needed another OF and at this point DeJesus was the best available. My other backups on my team are Johnny Gomes and Chris Duffy. They are good player who are not guaranteed playing time. I needed a guaranteed player. DeJesus is playing for the Royals this year. I could see them being a nice offensive team and putting an 70 win season up. He should be good for average and the randoms steal.
9. Tony A. Pena ($5): A young closer for the Diamondbacks. I think people were running out of money and just didn't want to risk it for an unproven closer. He throw hard and Arizona is a decent team. I consider this the steal of the draft.
10. Felipe Lopez ($15): The SS pickings were super slim. I lost out on Furcal and the draft was coming to a close. I needed a SS so bad I could taste it. That taste? Felipe Lopez. I thought, "He wasn't as good a Zendon Hamilton, but what the heck." He was an All-Star two years ago until he start playing for Nationals at Sirhan Sirhan Stadium. The new field should help his numbers. I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money. So, out comes the wallet.
11. Rick VandenHurk ($9): A f*cking Dutchman! I needed a back up SP and I was looking at Daniel Cabrera. That should've been a warning to me that 5 hours is too long for a baseball auction. This kid that I was picking on most of the past six season put this name out there for $1. I was bored, tired, and felt like being a dick so I outbid him. I had no idea who he was. I did some research on him and I kind like him. He is a little young, but when you look at someone like Matt you realize that the Dutch age really quickly. You have to use them really quickly, before they expire. Again, I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money.

Five hours later, I go home and give my life a serious look.

What the George Lazenby?

So, Daniel Craig, aka the man who gives hope to all men with bad teeth or the British, is going to marry Satsuki Mitchell. I have no idea who she is, but this photo of her is straight spooky. She gots them crazy eyes. I may not know how to maintain a long term relationship or even talk to a woman without saying "Drop them" at the end of the conversation, but I do know crazy eyes. Daniel, those eyes are crazy. Those are the kinds of eyes you see when at 5 am staring down at you when those eyes are holding a tile saw near your little piggies. I am just warning you, 007.

Ballpoint Sean Penn

I went to the $1.50 theater yesterday to see Into The Wild and now I hate Sean Penn a little bit more. I don't think I needed to spend a $1.50 to do that, but I did anyway. Every film critic has been referring to this as the ill-fated journey of self discovery by Christopher McCandless. Here is a plot write up from imdb.com:

Based on a true story. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters who shape his life.

I don't see where they got athlete from in the movie. Now if they had said "self involved rich douche bag" then I 'd see that. I can only hope more kids start doing this and I don't have to look at as many of these kids riding in SUV's with Sierra Club stickers on the back. Christopher decides to cut himself off from everyone as revenge for his dad beating up on his mom. The best part is he cuts himself off from both his mom and kid sister. Wow, real nice. So to exact revenge on his abusive dad, he drags everyone who cares about him through hell and back. That makes sense. SPOILER! He dies and, much like the three annoying kids in Cloverfield, I was so glad when is happened.

The point that Sean Penn tries to get across, with the subtly of me staring at the thick NC State dance team member's butt at the NC State/FSU game this week, is that we are way too into consumerism. Thanks, Sean. I get it. Now, could you go rescue a someone drowning in a flood and give me my two and a half hours back? No? Okay, fine. But, I am still gonna oggle your wife and wonder what I could've spent my $1.50 on instead of your movie. (P.S. A tall boy of Pabst)

Side note: Zack Galifianakis has a small bit part in the movie. His talents are not at all utilized. However, there is a scene where they introduce you to Wayne, played by Vince Vaughn. The guys are all laughing...hard. I thought, "Why are they faking laughing so hard?" Then, I see Zack G. in the corner. I am 90% certain they were laughing at something he said.

And you call yourself a sports fan...

My co-worker today had no earthly clue who Erin Andrews was. I was stunned. In his defense, he is a NC State and Syracuse fan and she usually only works the big banger games. Neither of theses teams have seen any of those. I also thought Matt might enjoy this as the photo I posted of Brady Anderson has been raping a hole in his eyes. She one in a million girls.

Getting Dirty...

I am doing part of my almost daily and doing a job search on bookjobs.com. I come across an Editorial Assistant position at MacMillian. The job description had this in it:

We are currently seeking an Editorial Assistant to assist adult trade editor responsible for adult trade.

I am wrong to infer that they are looking for someone to help out with erotic literature? Ya'll know I am all about that. I'd be all, "Yo, this is hot," and I'd be getting paid for it. What in the world?

Conversations at the Li-berry

I am not going to just post about my experiences at the Wake County Public Library, but I couldn't resist this. The library should be quiet, but some people don't know how to shut their gobs. This is just a selection of the witty banter I am getting right now:

"Shiquita, what you doing?"
"Looking at books. What you think I'm slipping"
*ring*
"Who this? Tell 'er to call Spanky's mama and them. She know."
"What you got them books for."
"Reading."
"For reals"
"Don't make me get loud at this li-berry."

I can't make this stuff up.

Li-berry

Help me unwrap my head on this one. I was at the public library and printing out a resume. I go to the upstairs help desk and tell the woman that I printed off a resume downstairs and I was wondering if she had it. This is her response:

"What do you mean 'downstairs'?"

My brain caught on fire, I passed out for a minute and I just kind of stared at her. How do I reply to such a statement? If I was a robot, then I would've broken all of Isaac Asimov's laws and gone buck wyle on that lady. Why did this effect me so? It wasn't as if she said, "What?" or "Huh?" She heard me. The words registered in her head and she couldn't grasp the fact that she was a good building story above the earth. What in the Sam Houston State is wrong with this woman? PLEASE TELL ME!

I gotta take a leak...

...so the Mitchell Report do leaked. Thus killing the nine hours of coverage that ESPN was planning on doing to show each player one by one. On the list were a couple of surprises. Wally Joyner? I mean, he came out awhile ago, but still. His name is WALLY. The one that was really no shock but was Brady Anderson. I hated Brady Anderson. His one season where he hit 50 homers was one of the biggest blinking lights that players were using steroids in the MLB. I have not been to many major league games so I remember my experiences quite vividly. My father took me to see the Red Sox-Orioles game back during that Brady Anderson freak season. We stopped off at a McDonald's up by out hotel before that game and Robbie Alomar was getting drive thru in his black Mercedes S600. Cool, right? We had really bad seats at Camden Yards. We had to take an escalator to them. To this day, I have never had to take an escalator to seats at a sporting event. So we are on the 300 level concourse and there is a gift shop selling Orioles shwag. Hat, mini-bats, and jerseys. There in the middle of all this was a poster of Brady Anderson, like this one. My Dad, never one to mince words, sighed "What the hell is this crap? Son, you're a Red Sox fan, right?" I agreed. He looked relieved.

Please Stop...

I absolutely hate this guy. This is Colin Cowherd. He is the Summer's Eve of sports talk radio. I, for the life of me, have no idea why he is on nationally. Who actually tunes into his show on a daily basis on purpose? I can understand Tony Bruno (Why does he sound like he always is finishing off a sandwich when he talks?), Jim Rome (Is that Jim Everett hiding in the bushes?), and Dan "ESPN can suck my bowls!" Patrick. They have their market and they put together a good show that I laugh at easily once every time. First off, he sounds like he is still waiting for his other testicle to drop or his mom is late picking him up from soccer practice. That doesn't help. Two, he negates all that says within a two week period. Example? A-ight. He start of the season saying he didn't think the SEC was all that quality of a football conference and that Les Miles should not be talking about USC schedule like he was. Um, zuh? Recently, he was talking about the down fall of the PAC-10 this season down the stretch. Double zuh! Also, his show about as well planned as one of my radio shows from 2003. I am only guessing, but I think the production notes go something like this:

• Pick the opposite view of every sane sports fan in America for one topic--->Top of the hour.
• Talk about how you are right for that same one topic----->Next 2.5 hours.

The things about the other sports jocks is that they take phone calls. The dude-che is on for 3 hours, except where he get preempted for Jim Rome (HA!), and he take maybe two phone calls. I am sure his producer screens the buh-jesus out of them, too. Because, it is always some guy who agrees with him...WHY ARE YOU CALLING A SPORTS TALK SHOW TO AGREE WITH SOME GUY? Come on! In a perfect world, Sam Elliot would have a sports talk show. In a perfect world.

Victoria's Not-So-Secret

...I mean, what the hell was that crap. What was that really the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Two shit-tastic performances by Seal (neither of which were "A Kiss From A Rose" or "Crazy") and the return of the Spice Girls (when did Posh Spice become the ugly one?) were not enough to kill horrible long angled shot of women in what might be considered underwear. Here are the camera shot synapses:

1. Long range as the girl walks down the runway.
2. Weird low angle that shows that freaky runway walk they do, but not much else.
3. Right as they turn they do a close up on the model's face as she makes some crappy wink or something and then....
4. Long range of the model's shoulders so as not to upset fatties, closet cases, and Baptists (who don't wear underwear because Jesus didn't).

What in the Sam Houston State is going on CBS? Are you really all that chicken? I can see more on any given episode of Asi Es La Vida any night of the week. I have a feeling this has something to do with Tyra Banks's old shows. Homegirl was a-jiggling! Now those were the days.

The Numbers Don't Lie....

Cakewalk 9...

So the ACC won the ACC/Big Ten Challenge. That's nine in a row, for those counting. I really hated this year's matchups. Who chose NC State v. Michigan State in East Lansing? We got rolled. They also played James Thomas Valvano's ESPY speech right before it, so it was a really tough beat to take and watch. So, what does any rational person do? He goes home and burns a book that was written twenty years ago that was disparaging to the program he loves. TAKE THAT!

Duke Football or something...

...yesterday Duke fired Ted Roof. Joe Alleva claims he is going to look for a coach with head coaching experience. I was on Duke's career page today and there was a posting for "Head Football Coach". I got a snortle out of it. Joe Alleva might be the the second worst AD in major college athletics. The first would be Vanderbilt's AD, who put all sports including inter murals into the same pool. I don't know who he is going to hire, but I am sure he'll (or maybe even she'll) be horrible.

Better late then never...

..way to go USA! We stood up to a totalitarian military regime! And just twenty years after it started! I think we all deserve a soda, we really earned our treat today!

Scenes from a Football Game

So football finally happened this weekend. I was very excited and happy. Here's a little wrap up of the my first football game of the year NC State v. UCF:

1. I park my car roughly half a mile from the stadium and head over to a friend of mines tailgate. I am getting a late start. This is the first year since the shootings at Trinity Road three years ago that we get five full hours of tailgating. I only need a couple of hours, but I will use the full five for one game this year. My cousin call while I am walking an tells me that App. State is gonna beat Michigan in the Big House. He give me the play-by-play over the phone while his sons cry in the background. The way some people remember how great sportscasters called memorable moments in sports, this is how I'll remember this one. Lloyd Carr has already started looking for a coaching job at FAU or Stetson as we read/write this.
2. Finally run up with my tailgate. Let me get this off my chest, girls looked really hot or cute, but the functionality of their ensembles was seriously lacking. They all looked like they were going to the Kentucky Derby. I want these girls to know that NC State is not in the SEC, so quit dressing and acting like we are. Also, when did this whole short skirt with cowboy boots look start back again. I thought it was dead. While I am thinking this, a fight breaks out on the other side of an RV. The police and sheriff's department swarm enforce and very quickly. I was impressed and a little spooked. A couple of drunk kids start to chant "F*ck the Police" and they are given open container tickets. I decide it is time to head into the game. As I walk with the masses, so UCF fans are mixed in. I am walking with a UCF family of six, a dad & mom with their four daughters in ages from 10 to roughly 18. A "class act" State fan yells at them to "F*ck off and f*cking die!" I am embarrassed. I do not mind trash talking or taunting opposing teams fans. They are on our territory and should expect some fun rassing. As early UCF fans came by my tailgate, I sang the "Mickey Mouse" song and even this family felt my witty reporte when I asked them if they go to DisneyWorld every weekend. This good hearted and fairly clever. When the State fan in front of us flicked the UCF family off, things got ugly and again I was embarrassed to be associated with them. The UCF father got in the kids face and then I wondered where all the police were...oh right.
   
3. I had great seats for the game, or so I thought. They were on the 40 and 15 rows back. I was really pleased with them. UCF gets the ball first and runs a single back sweep and NC State misses the first tackle and their RB scampers 80 yards for the TD. It is one of those first game, first play type of flukes. I knew that, but the ass clown behind me did not. He starts in as if the season was all over on the first play. I don't know who he was talking to. His wife was busy going to town on some funnel cake. He was a nightmare to sit in front of. Loud, wrong, negative, and loud. Daniel Evans looked pretty lost. I really didn't understand it, but when he slipped under pressure in the end zone for a safety. I was really upset. Coach O'Brien gave him another shot when NC State got the ball inside the 20. Evans couldn't do it and NC State had to settle for a field goal. These two plays pretty much doomed the team. Evans gave the other team two points and couldn't get an easy TD for six. That's a big swing.
   
4. Harrison Beck came in for Evans in the next series. He looked a big frazzled early. Then the half came. I switched seats, I could not take anymore of the f*ckface behind me. The scout team did some real work for NC State. They looked a lot better in the second half. In the first, State's passes we going out to the flats and sidelines with little success. Also, Andre Brown almost non-exsistant. The second, Beck was tossing over the center of the defense. It was wide open almost every time. The O-Line did a much better job of giving Beck time to wait for the receiver to get in the weak spot of the UCF zone. The NC State defense was making the tackles they were missing in the first. It was a definite tale of two halves. State score 23 unanswered and had a very real shot at a W until the official called an illegal procedure penalty and docked State 15 yards. I was a little shocked. That was big penalty. It doomed us. Tick-tick-game over.
5. There was a lot of grumbling as I walked back to my car, which when I walked through the dark parking lots with all the drunken angry sports fans in it felt like I parked it in Garner. I was mad. I mean, we lost. NC State lost all because of bad play and penalties in the first half, seeming Amato-esque. But, the second half, looked really crisp and automatic. This was the first game with a new coach, who doesn't even have the kinds of players he need to get his system done the way he wants it. I was fairly happy with the results and look forward to what else is to come.
   

I wonder where I can get a Lobotobizer?

Hey is anyone really buying the XDR TB bullshit? I am not. Maybe next time they'll be saying all he had was "African Rabies." If it stinks like shit, looks like shit, then it most likely is shit. Looks like I will be wintering in Vermont this year.

Bring the Heat!

Wait, so global warming is melting ice and killing polar bears. Did you see what that fucker did? Sweet Honeypot, Pooh!

Hollywood Poop

I have a lot to gripe about today. Last night I was all jacked about a new "Andy Barker PI". I had my VCR programed to tape NBC from 8-10pm. The normal hours for the new must see. I went to work, came home, pour myself a glass of buttermilk, and sat down to enjoy my must see . But, NBC decided to make the first three shows "supersized". This means, 4 minutes longer with 6 more minutes of commercials. This is fine, but what happened? I watch a 40 minute long "Scrubs", which was not funny and hella depressing, and I run out of tape. Thanks NBC. I really like "Andy Barker PI". It reminds me of 1980's television. It is just real pure.
I wanted to go see "Grindhouse" today between shifts as work. I thought it would be like 2 hours. It turns out to be 3.25 hours long! A true double feature. I was shocked. Now, my noodle starts going. If the two films were on their own, then maybe people would see them. Maybe. If they are together in this rebirth of an old gimmick, then people will see them. "Two crappy movies for the price of one? How can I go wrong?" says fat American movie goer in a Puddle of Mud T-Shirt. It is a scam.
Now, Matt and I live in the same complex. And we all know Matt had had some effed up dreams recently. I had one the other night. Here it is:

It starts in a basement of some house. Its my old running crew of Booby, Scott, Big Series and me. Big Series tells me we have to kill this wild hog to make dinner. I volunteer to do it. He hands me a butchers knife and out of the darkness appears this monster hog. Black, hairy with massive tusks and a hump of muscle on his back. He charges me and I stab him. The blade doesn't go all the way and I have to stab again until I hit his heart. He squeals and Big Series rushes over and hold the hog until he is dead. He is petting it and talking soothing to it. Big Series decides that it is not right to kill animals for food.
[Scene missing] Big Series has killed Cynthia Nixon. I am 100% positive because when I woke up in a sweat, I wrote it down. CYNTHIA NIXON! But killing Cynthia Nixon for food freaks out Big Series and he starts crying. No. Weeping. Loudly. Booby, Scott and I leave him in the basement and go upstairs. [Scene missing] Big Series builds an entire kitchen on top of where he has killed Cynthia Nixon and he hides their while the hog is prepared on top. We can hear him crying while we eat the hog right above him. [I awake]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Thank You, God...

...THANK YOU! Even with Justin Long in it, it will be awesome. How did this little sh*t get so big time anyway? I am sure they are looking for a way to put him and Hilary Duff in some movie with Jon Heder together. On the flip side, this will undoubtedly be one of the worst movies ever. Hey, Hollywood, you wanna know why people stopped going to the theater? It because you have wasted three screens with this crap. STOP IT!

Noe-body does it better

So I was working last night. And because it is a Monday in March, I am watching the ASU v. Rutgers women's NCAA game. Why? Because they are more fundamentally sound then men? No, because Jill Noe is playing for ASU. I read an article about ASU in USA Today and have been smitten with Jilly-kins (that's what I call her in my made up relationship in my head) ever since. I was at the ASU website today, to get a photo for the post, and all the players have pictures of themselves in fancy get ups. It is kind of good for the somewhat attractive players. Others...not so much. I am curious with the recent actions of some women's coaches. Will this become a trend? Is it going to become necessary to remind people in the women's sport community that they are women? Maybe.