Panda-monium

As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"

1. They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
2. They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
3. All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
4. They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
5. In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
6. And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
   
7. Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
8. Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.

In closing, pandas can suck it. Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.

Older and Bolder...

Okay, so I have a new ambition of trying to put up a top five list at least once a week. It may not seem all that bold, but when you look at the number of posts I am banging out, it just might. So, here is my top five older and bolder ladies. They are older 40 and still banging. Here we go:

5. Stacy Dash: She is on "Celebrity Circus" doing just crazy stunts! She also get gets bonus points for being in Clueless. However she gets negative points for having a teen aged son. I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked (and I would, too) to take a run at her.

4. Diane Lane: She just gets better with age and she has a higher chance of taking her clothes off now. What a delightful combination.

3. Joely Richardson: Admittedly she can be hit or miss. However, she is really hot on Nip/Tuck and that is what I see her on the most. Bonus for kissing a chick. I hope to do that one day.

2. Kelly Rowan: She is a total Matt pick, but whatevs. She was one of the sole reasons I watched "The O.C." for as long as I did. F#ck that exoskeleton Misha Barton (side note: How does a stick figure girls have a backside like this? That does not make sense!)

1. Jennifer Tilly: I heard this and I nearly plottzed. She'll be 50 in September. WHA! She'll be 50 and she already looks 10 years young that I do. Sure she doesn't pickle herself in Miller High Life and Bulleit Whiskey, but still. Also she and Gina Gershon in Bound made be want to piss off a mobster and take his money. Instead I just stole some quarters from my dad's piggy bank and hoped for the best.

So what's your top 5?

Thank You, Satan!

Oh thank you, Dark Lord! This is truly one of your greatest gifts. I would have gone to the Big Guy upstairs but he is waaaaay too busy killing off people who actually contribute something to the world. I know people always say be careful what you wish for, but this time I can see no flaw. No more Billy Packer. No more watching games and screaming at the TV, "Shut it, Packer!" There is no possible way this could backfire. It is nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

"Ya'll betta ax someboday!"

Dammit!

"Remember Me?"

Hi, I am Jordana Brewster. I am really hot and I haven't been in anything in over two years. Sounds like Rochester, at least the not being in anything in two years part. Ha Ha! LOLers! It is not because I am picky. I mean, I was in some of the worst movies made the millennium. The Fast and The Furious? Annapolis? Yup, that was me. And according to imdb.com, I am penciled to do the fourth installment of the The Fast and The Furious. I think they should call it The Fast and The Furious: 4 Some Reason. See that, I am clever, too. Well, just letting all of you normal folk, or as we call you in the Beautiful People's Club, Uggies, know that sexy people make mistakes, too. I am sure you could make a long list of them. Now I am off to SkyBar to ignore Matt Dillon. Why is he still there?

Like a dog with a bone...

So, I had a little problem of trying to think of a joke for a punchline. I think most comedians have the problem the other way a round. Not that I think I am a comedian. I am just an asshole who thinks he is funny. And we all know that is waaaaaaay better. So Funny McJokerstein thought it would be good if I could make up the joke but make sure it includes Nazis. Mel Brooks always said there is nothing funnier than Nazis. So here we go:

So Himmler and Gobbels are in the bunker towards then end of the second World War. And because one they were bored, two they were kind of gay, three they were cold, and four they were hungry, they were playing a rousing game of ookie cookie. Hitler walked into the bunker and saw what was a-going on and decided to join in. At which point Himmler looked around and said, "Hey, this circle jerk is turning into a total sausage fest."

ZING! That works! Special thanks to Salvador Dali on this one.

Like a dog without a bone...

I was just thinking of this on Friday and I couldn't stop laughing. It is a punchline to a joke or a skit, but I can't really make up one around it. I am sure everyone goes through this from time to time. I am just going to give it to you and maybe you can think up the scenario. Kewl? Kewl.

"This circle jerk has turned into a total suasage fest."

It is gross, I know, but you know it is kind of funny.

"My lawyahs is talkin' to day lawyahs"

Huh? I think if I made a drinking game up with every time the "Evil Pimp" (side note: That's rather redundant. Isn't smacking women and keeping them in sexual slavery evil enough?) says, "Ya know what I am saying?" you take a shot, then you'd be snickerface in the first 30 seconds of the video.

Is that your Christain name?

I was watching "Cops" this afternoon and they were filming in Jersey City. It was so far away from being as good as it could've been. However, there was an Italian cop who had the best name ever! What was it? I got to go all artsy for this one:

Arsenio Ferrari

Awesome.

VH-YES!

I was over at With Leather today and saw this post. I was not blown away by the video. Why? Because I own that on VHS. It is pretty damn awesome though. The beginning has a claymation version of Red spinning a basketball on his hand. I guess, Pixar killed the whole claymation concept. Assholes. It also features a segment where Red makes fun of Pistol Pete's excessive use of the crossover dribble. Oh and I still have and use my VHS player. Blue-Ray is for people who drive hybrids or decided to go into debt to watch TV.

Joe Cool

I don't have a real train of thought at any moment in my life. It's like a dog and a cat are fighting in my head most of the time. That's one reason I drink. The drinking stops the fighting and sometimes it might kill a few cats and dogs. So last week when I on vacation, the cat and dog were fighting again. Then, this came out of my mouth, "If I were an eccentric millionaire, I would own a camel." *meow* *meow* *arf* *bark*

Then had all these ideas of living in some random little town in New England and I ride my camel to the town tavern. It seems completely insane, but I did a little research on it. It is totally feasible. Camels are anywhere from $3000 to $5000. Which, if you take into account how much I made last year, might as well be a $1,000,000. But, when I am old and retired from whatever I wind up doing, I am totally doing it. Oh and I am totally going Bactrian. Why? Because Bactrians Camels do it with two humps. SHIT! THAT'S GOING TO BE THE T-SHIRT I WEAR ON MY CAMEL!

'What do you mean, 'You people'?"

YES!

Richard, Richard, Richard.

As I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall a couple weeks ago, I thought "Oh ho ho! I can see Jason Segal's penis. That is very funny." Then, I saw Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the trend of see in male genitalia continues. I guess, penises have stopped being so ugly and become funny all of a sudden. I know that I have had the experience of women laughing when they see mine, so that kind of explains why people were laughing when they saw penises in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story. That's what I tell myself. Then, I tell myself, "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right." *sigh*

Is there a draft in here?

First off, how weird does Matt Ryan look? Did you notice when he talked his jaw didn't move, but the top part of his head did? Hmmm...


Separated at birth? I think so. Let me copy 3000 and look at how my boys did:

• 1/20: Aqib Talib, CB Kansas: He sounds ethnic and you all know how I feel about that. This was a good pick. I am sick of people saying the Bucs needed a WR. There were no WR who deserved to be picked in the 1st round this year. They were a veritable who's who of 3rd options on a college team. He is big for a CB and without Brain Kelly or Dwight Smith (please come home, Dwight) we need more depth in the secondary. Nice pick.
• 2/58: Dexter Jackson, WR, Appalachain State: I bet J-Mo can't wait to say something to me about this. And I am sure once his fiancee allows him to look at the interweb or the sports section he'll let me have it. Jackson is fast, but he hasn't really played in a system like a John Gruden offense. Just saying one of his plays is like a really shitty tongue twister.
• 3/83: Jeremy Zuttah, OG, Rutgers: I can only hope this guy turns out like any of the offensive linemen we have gotten in the past three year. Ew, but Zuttah? That's a bit ethnic, too. Where are the Smith and Jones when you need them.
• 4/115: Dre Moore, DT, Maryland: I hate this pick. Mainly because I hate all things Maryland. I can't even eat crab cakes anymore. This guy has 4th round disappointment written all over him. He got it done at the same tattoo parlor Merriman goes to. LIGHTS OUT!
• 5/160: Josh Johnson, QB, San Diego: This was kind of a mistake by Gruden. he actually though he was getting a journeyman back-up QB from the San Diego Chargers. He'll have to spend time with the other 6 QB's we have on our roster until he has matured into an old bitter disappointment. I am sure Brain Griese can help him out. Good old fashioned American name though.
• 6/175: Geno Hayes, OLB, Florida State: He is kind of small, but he comes from a great LB system. And playing a year under Chuck Amato only helped him (Wait, did I just type that?). He'll take a couple of season, but I think he is an amazing value pick this late in the draft.
• 7/238: Cory Boyd, RB, South Carolina: Spurrier RB's in the NFL? Well, there is....um....what about? Wait, there was that one guy....no...that's not it. At least this guy has off the field problems. I am sure Michael Pittman can teach him how to hit his with with an SUV or something.

I give Tampa Bay a B-/C+.

Now for the Pack in the draft, and this really shouldn't take long:

• 3/82: DaJuan Morgan, S, Kansas City Chiefs: He is really fast, but not the best of tacklers. He would've benefited staying around another year. I understand why he left, being that Tom O'Brien doesn't have much need for the leftovers of an Amato secondary, but he needed another year. He now gets to renew his old Madden rivalry with Oliver Hoyte and Tank Tyler. I am sure that was on the Chiefs mind when that drafted him.
• 5/114: DeMario Pressley, DT, New Orleans Saints: He is loaded with talent. He had two really acrobatic INTs that past year. However, he has a hard time staying healthy. He will benefit by playing in New Orleans as I find them to have a good core of D-Linemen. Not a bad pick for the 5th round.

I am woman hear me roar.

From this picture, it looks like Danica's crew team was excited about the victory, too.

Decision 2008!

Which one is better?
A. Unicorn humping dolphin?

or

B. "Where's Waldo?" Bhudda?

Like Puff Daddy said, "Vote or Die."

The Dugout

3000 turned me on to "The Dugout" not too long ago and, I may be jumping the gun, but it may be the best thing ever written since the Holy Bible. I am gonna give Nick Dallamora a link and get rid "Celeutaint" the old heave-ho. That dude hasn't posted a pic since November. How hard can it be to put up a see-thru pic of Lindsay Lohan or Tyne Daly getting out of the bath tub covered in tiny sexy bubbles? Enjoy.

On the Aisle with Rochester

So, I rented Babel the other night. It was all right and I really wanted to do a post about it. I sat down with a notepad and started writing notes on it, because my brain, well, she no work so good. I decided that the notes are the best way to show how the movie was for me. Also, there are spoilers in the notes, just so you know:

• Great another movies starting with an Arab buying a gun. Way to be original.
• A Mexican house keeper taking care of some rich dude kids. I am starting to see a crappy trend in the movie.
• A deaf Japanese girl. Shit, how long until Sean Penn playing a retard shows up?
• Oh, the kids are mean to the deaf Japanese girl and SNAP! DID SHE JUST FLASH HER STUUF?! SNAP! SHE DID IT AGAIN!
• Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are having couples problems. You know what would help guys? Cate Blanchett should show her stuff.
  
• I wonder what the Japanese girl is doing when Brad Pitt or that Mexican housekeeper is on screen. Does she think about me?
  
• Oh, look whose back. The deaf Japanese girl. I wonder if she'll YUP! SHE JUST FLASHED IT AGAIN! I am moving to Japan.
  

(Then I fall asleep for an hour.)

• I wake up just in time for the deaf Japanese girl to throwing herself naked at some dude. AMAZING!

I slept through half of it, but with graphic nudity I give it two and half stars out of four.

Hey Rochester!

"How do you feel about Tyler Hand-bag, now?"

Yup, still gay.

Come on, White Jesus...

What is a matter, God? Is this how you get your jollies? The founder of Popeye's Chicken died this week and then God goes all Killy McGee and takes the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, too. With all the totally deserving douche bags in the world, why take these two truly great men? If the founder of T.J. Cinnamon's (Pecan Sticky? WOW!) dies tomorrow, then I am going to seriously look at my religious affiliation.

The King and I

So there seems to be a stink about Lebron James and Gisele's cover for Vogue. 3000 and I have been talking about this for the longest time. WHY DO ATHLETES NOT HAVE P.R. GUYS? There was Portis and his pro-dog fighting last year. Then, there was Micheal Vick's lawyer and his "spring training" comment to the media, which might have been only second to Drew Rosenhausenfeldgoldman's apology on behalf of Terrel Owens. With that being said, how is it possibly that the one of the top athletes in the world can allow this cover to go through and not even think about the ramifications? I think one of the worst things about it is the fact that it is the first time a black man has ever appeared on Vogue and this is what they come up with. Real nice.