Must Help at High School Parties...

So, I was watching The Andy Milonakis Show on MTV the other day. The show is borderline unwatchable, but I have been known to watch a pit bull have sex with an old truck tire. So, let us just say I gave it a couple of minutes. It had a couple of moments. He had a sketch call "Jesus Kitty", where a kitten produces enough bread and fish for the masses. I laughed at that. I thought that was a complicated little sketch for such a young man to do. Now, I find out the "kid" is 28 years old! Look at him. I guess he has that Emanuel Webster disease or something. Also, I wonder how long it will be until MTV just gives up on the whole concept of music, and when does The Real World just become hardcore porn. It'll happen.

Love means...

...never having to say your sorry. But, this means somebody owes THE North Carolina State University an apology. U.N. Sissy, I can wait all day. You know what, fuck your apology. We'll just beat the ever living shit outta ya! I think this calls for a little:

• We're the Red and White from State
  And we know we are the best.
  A hand behind our back,
  We can take on all the rest.
  Come over the hill, Carolina.
  Devils and Deacs stand in line.
  The Red and White from N.C. State.
  Go State!

Bad Joke of the Day

Q: What is the difference between a cooked chicken and a pregnant lady?

A: You can always debone a chicken.

Judge Dread

Last night, Pres. G. W. Bush nominated John Roberts (easily the most boring name in the world) to become the next Justice in the highest court in the galaxy. His approval is based on his survival of a congressional shitstorm, where the Capitol Hill Leftys will try to find as much dirt as they possibly can on him to paint him as a bad dude. However, like we saw with Anita Hill and Justice Long Dong Silver, it won't stop a thing. So, before actual facts come out about the Justice-to-be here are some that I found out:

• While presiding over the Northern Virginia Court of Appeals, Judge Roberts released Ronald Taft Dobbs, a convicted sex offender. Mr. Dobbs was arrested a month later for pressing his penis up against a bus windows. Thus exposing himself to dozens of school children.
• Judge Roberts was caught with over $2,000 of undeclared jewelry in his bag from a trip to Aruba this past fall. As of today, he has yet to pay the U.S. Custom Dept.'s $150 fine.
• Judge Roberts is an avid hunter, however last year he paid a Chinese game warden $4,000 to hunt a Giant Panda. What is worse, he wanted an even fight so he hunted the Panda nude, and with his bear hands. Luckily, the Panda hunt was stopped when local villagers pulled Judge Roberts off of the Panda. He apparently was trying to hug it to death from behind.
• Though he was only in his early twenties, and an American national, Judge Roberts was a high ranking colonel in Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge. Prime Minister Pot called him, "brutal, yet completely lovable".
• And as his age is still an issue, in 1958, at the tender age of three, Judge Roberts helped to hide dozens of Nazi war criminals in his parents' Buffalo home. Josef Mengle recounted on his death bed, "Lil' John would come down to the basement with Rice Krispie treats and Tang. Oh, how he loved Tang. He told me, 'This is the stuff that our Astronauts will drink someday.'"
• To make matter worse, at my annual Above-Ground-Pool Clambake. He took my last Miller High Life in my cooler. Then he tried to play it off, like he didn't know it was my cooler. Which is total bullshit, because I was the only one there with a red Hulkamanina cooler.
  

So, Good Luck John Glover Roberts! You are gonna need it.

Bad Joke for the Day

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the little white fluffball and sez, "What will it be, sir?" The baby seal sez, "I'll have any thing except a Canadian club."

"Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down!"

I had a film-tastic weekend. I watched "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" for the umpteenth time. Hence the title of my post. And yesterday I saw what will become the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, "Wedding Crashers". And, yes it was all that and a bag of Lay's Salt-n-Vinegar Chips with a French onion dip on the siiiiide! You are treated to Dwight Yoakam doing what he does best, quietly giving you an awesome performance, in the first minute of the film. He establishes the mood and pace of the film right off the bat. What is that mood and pace you ask? FALL OUT YOUR SEAT FUNNY! I don't want to ruin it for anyone so I'll just get to the meat of this post. How many actors can you not think of who can effin' own a movie with just a phrase? When I say not think of, I mean B-lister. Neil Patrick Harris in "...White Castle" is one. The guy did it in "Undercover Brother", too. Dwight Yoakam is the same way. He made "Panic Room". A white guy named Raoul with a pension for violence? What! I don't even want to think of "Sling Blade" without Dwight. These guys just show up in a movie and it makes you feel like something is actually right in this crazy mixed up world.

He'll Flip Ya! Fa Real!

So Matt and I have agreed to disagree (see the comments). We'll just have to save this debate for 1:32 AM at a bar after 14 whiskey sours. That way neither one of us can make a good point. Here is something you cannot debate. This is a bad move. I don't know who is really running the effing Lakers, but it ain't Buss and Kupchak. However, Kupchak did go to UNC so maybe he learned how to make bad decision there. Does Phil Jackson's triangle offense really need that much of a waste of space at center to work? (READ: Bill Cartwright, Bill Wennington, Bison Dele, and Luc Longley) Is Kobe really all that paranoid that about losing scoring opportunities as to run off both the Lakers guards, too? Do I really give a rats ass about the L. F'N A. Lakers? Well, no, but I know I could make a better move then that. That is my point. How many people out there actually believe they could do a better job then the actual front office of a sports franchise? Frequent poster, Tits does. He does so much that he is leaving his job to get a degree in such a field. Not so frequent poster, Big Series does, too. He left his job, city, and girlfriend to follow his goals. So, maybe the sports world will be a better place with those two in the front office. OH! and when you guys get there, hook me up with a job.

I am as P.C. as the next man....

...if the next man is a redneck. I know that by parlaying a stereotype for my last post was flat out racist. I know saying "a little racist" is comparable to saying "a little gay", there is no little about it. I was trying to paint the picture a little lighter then it is. I am not anti-semitic. Hackney as it may sounds, some of my best friends are Jews. I know it was wrong and I apologize. I try to stay away from political post, because I am too stupid to comment on them logically. However, on this issue I do know a little something. I do not agree with Israel and what it has been doing. Everyone paints them as the great victims in this Palestinian-Israeli conflict, but they have more then enough blood in their hands. The way they are going about things is wrong and unjust. But, I guess a few bad apples do really spoil the whole bushel. Just like when you were in elementary school and the one kid screwed everyone out of recess, and now the entire class has to sit with their heads down on the desks. This is the same as settlers in American and what happened to the Native Americans, or the Afrikaners and the Blacks South Africans and "Coloureds" (people of non-white decent). Ironically, I found a quote from an S. African born Israeli Abba Eban that kind of sums up my frustration, "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

Stereotypes Make Judging People Easier

So as we await the Gaza pull out, the Israelis have decided to look to America to split the bill for it. I know this is a little racist, but Jews trying to stick the bill to someone else? Hmmm, sound like someone is living up to their stereotype. Bush had better not try to take Sharon to T.G.I. Fridays or else the American taxpayer will be forced to pay for all those Bubblegum Margaritas Ariel likes so much. Also, they are moving 8,000 settlers. How is that gonna cost $2.2 billion dollars? What kind of U-Hauls are they using?

Got 10 minutes to waste?

Yeah? Then, here.

Days of Wine and Roses

Day Two of London Calling: So, J-MO (the perpetual terrorist worry wart) sez to me yesterday, "All we are gonna here about is London for the next couple of weeks, and already I am sick of it." This pissed me off to no end. I began to think waaaaaay back to what I was doing during the September 11 Attacks. I was living in Casa de Drunk-n-Smoke with J-Biz and three other dudes. I remember the sickening feeling I had when I realized my sister lived in NYC. I remember the absolute rage I had for all those hijacking cowards, who were too scared to actually chanlenge America face-to-face. Or me face-to-face. I remeber going to Visart and renting the worst movies ever made, just so I could try to forget. Try to escape from the fact that the Eden that was American on 9-10-2001 is no longer there. Although I am not really mad at J-MO, I do say this, "FUCK YOU!"

London Calling

Hey London, you won the 2012 Olympic and you are hosting the G8 Summit, here's your own honorary terrorist attack. Now, you too can live in paranoia like Spain, Austrialia, and the U. S. of Mother Effin' A. However, did anyone happen to notice that Richard "Nike Bombs" Reid was tried and convicted already? No? Me neither, but it happend. Richie "I wish I was a terrorist" Reid claimed that he was at war with the U.S., although he is a British national. He also made his praise to Allah. The Federal Judge "Not Dredd" Young addressed the lil' fella like this after dropping 80 years on his ass:

"Let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much war talk here and I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, we deal with individuals as individuals and care for individuals as individuals.
As human beings, we reach out for justice.
You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do it or your attorney who does it, or if you think you are a soldier. You are not----- you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not meet with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice. So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You're no warrior. I've known warriors. You are a terrorist. A species of criminal that is guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV crews were, and he said: "You're no big deal." What your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today?
I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing. And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you, but as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know. It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very wind carries freedom. It carries it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see, that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges. We Americans are all about freedom. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here. Day after tomorrow, it will be forgotten, but this, however, will long endure. Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America, the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice. See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America. That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That
flag stands for freedom. And it always will. Mr. Custody Officer. Stand him down."

I wonder how much he'll be praising Allah when he is getting gang rape my the Aryan Nation in the shower after being sold by the Latin Kings for a carton of cigarettes. Also, I am soooo glad we have crazy-ass Tom Cruise and Benn-ifer so the media can forget about the fact that these azzholes are still out there. It gave London a moment to forget and we see what happens then. STAY VIGILANT!

America. FUCK YEAH!

So, July 4th has come and gone. I went to a lovely cook-out at J-Biz's house. The High Life and coversation were bubbly. Towards the end of the evening when Matt stubbled in from the Garden Party State, I had to be more competiitve with my comments. I grew up in a fairly loud house and if you didn't blurt out what you had to say then you didn't get heard. This holds true to this very day. I, believe it or not, stay rather quite at Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner. However, I formed the speech defect because of this. I try to say what I am thinking well before it was thought out. I often switch letters with other letters and in heat of a good old fashioned toe-to-toe smartass comment-off, it can almost sound like I am speaking a foreign language. It is AWFUL when I am drinking, too. (And, I am always drinking in those kinds of situations.) Now, why to I preface this? Because I have a language fetish. I love hearing new words, of hearing old words used in an interesting fashion. I love buthcering the English language. I love sayings that make no sense. The one that has become of particular interest to me it the statement "How come they can put a man on the moon, but..." I find this interesting to me because it is never anyting earth shattering. It is always something like "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a clean smelling shampoo for my pubic lice." Or, "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a low-fat mayo that taste good." I mean, I think with all the things our government has to deal with they could at least ban this phrase unless it is talking about nuclear war or genocide. How come they can put a man on the moon, but they cannot stop knuckleheads from sayin' "How come they can put a man on the moon, but...". DAMN!