Judge Dread

Last night, Pres. G. W. Bush nominated John Roberts (easily the most boring name in the world) to become the next Justice in the highest court in the galaxy. His approval is based on his survival of a congressional shitstorm, where the Capitol Hill Leftys will try to find as much dirt as they possibly can on him to paint him as a bad dude. However, like we saw with Anita Hill and Justice Long Dong Silver, it won't stop a thing. So, before actual facts come out about the Justice-to-be here are some that I found out:

• While presiding over the Northern Virginia Court of Appeals, Judge Roberts released Ronald Taft Dobbs, a convicted sex offender. Mr. Dobbs was arrested a month later for pressing his penis up against a bus windows. Thus exposing himself to dozens of school children.
• Judge Roberts was caught with over $2,000 of undeclared jewelry in his bag from a trip to Aruba this past fall. As of today, he has yet to pay the U.S. Custom Dept.'s $150 fine.
• Judge Roberts is an avid hunter, however last year he paid a Chinese game warden $4,000 to hunt a Giant Panda. What is worse, he wanted an even fight so he hunted the Panda nude, and with his bear hands. Luckily, the Panda hunt was stopped when local villagers pulled Judge Roberts off of the Panda. He apparently was trying to hug it to death from behind.
• Though he was only in his early twenties, and an American national, Judge Roberts was a high ranking colonel in Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge. Prime Minister Pot called him, "brutal, yet completely lovable".
• And as his age is still an issue, in 1958, at the tender age of three, Judge Roberts helped to hide dozens of Nazi war criminals in his parents' Buffalo home. Josef Mengle recounted on his death bed, "Lil' John would come down to the basement with Rice Krispie treats and Tang. Oh, how he loved Tang. He told me, 'This is the stuff that our Astronauts will drink someday.'"
• To make matter worse, at my annual Above-Ground-Pool Clambake. He took my last Miller High Life in my cooler. Then he tried to play it off, like he didn't know it was my cooler. Which is total bullshit, because I was the only one there with a red Hulkamanina cooler.
  

So, Good Luck John Glover Roberts! You are gonna need it.