No Albi...

As I was walking abouts in Cameron Village today, I realized something. I realized that I am way to ugly and untrendy to be shopping in Cameron Village. It is a gorgeous day today in my fair city and the shoppers and diners in the Village are dressed to impress. Sexy lil’ skirts for the ladies and oxford shirts with the sleeves rolled up (it says, “I am all about business and my business is giving you the business and business is gooooooood.”). I am wearing my work clothes, which consists of a ratty old pair of brown shorts and a Buccaneers T-shirt. I felt out of place. It made me think of places that you really never see attractive people. And if you do, then you think there must be something wrong with them. Here some place I thought of:

FAST FOOD JOINTS: Specifically McDonald’s and Burger King. You get them at Wendy’s, but I really don’t know why. I understand why you don’t see attractive people here. It is greasy food that will make you even more so ugly and fat. Also, as a rule of thumb attractive people usually have a bit more money and can afford to eat someplace else. I also am willing to bet they do not cut out Burger King coupons and keep them in their wallet like a fast food junkie condom. Not that I do that. I put them in my money clip.

THE BUS: This goes back to the previous statement about money, kind of. I rode the bus this summer when gas price when up to Chinese baby prices. It really sucked. I had to leave an hour earlier than usual. I had less time for grooming and it really showed. I never once showed to work without at minimum of a 5 o’clock shadow. However, I still managed to look a bit better than my bus mates. I pray the price of oil keeps tumbling, because I do not want to go back to that pee-pee soaked heck hole.

THE PUBLIC LIBRARY: This goes back to the money situation as well. I remember tell a friend, who is attractive, about a book I had just read. She responded by saying that she’d go out and buy it. I inquired why not just borrow it from the library or buy it used (Whaddup, Nice Price Books). She said she doesn’t like having to worry about other people’s notes and dog-ears. She likes to do them herself. I though that was part of the benefit of used books. That is what they said about all those textbooks from college. I find the penis that was drawn on page 42 of Waiting for the Barbarians was most beneficial to me understanding humans and their appetite for cruelty to their fellow man.

FOOD LION: Again, money is a big key to why I never see any hot pieces of sexiness at Food Lion. If you go to Harris Teeter on a Sunday night, then you’ll see it is like Melrose Place in there. Now, not all Food Lions are full of ugly folks. The one down Avent Ferry Rd. usually has some good-looking colleges kids in there. However, the Food Lion off of Method Road will cancel even the bubbliest of college chicks out. It is a filthy store and no one in there is even speaking English. They are not just speaking Spanish, too. It sounds as though they are speaking in tongues. It is like walking through an outdoor market in Calcutta. I half expect some one to be bleeding a goat when I get out of the cereal aisle. I usually wash my hands in boiling water when I get home.

An Outer View of My Interview...

I had an interview for a job yesterday. I won't say where, but it is not my dream job. My dream job is to be a manager of a company that test to see how drunk you can get on certain beers. A goon can dream, can't he? It is a fairly basic job, so the interview was fairly basic. They gave me a list of questions to answer. One of them was about what my reaction would be to seeing a co-worker using my coffee mug to water the plants. Then, after asking them to use something else, you see them do it again. My answer was that I would just take my coffee mug home. This was probably not the best answer as it pegs me as being passive aggressive, when we all know I am aggressive aggressive. In a perfect world I would've written:

Why the hell would I care that some chick (like a dude would water plants) is using my mug to water plants? It just water. Also, I don't even drink coffee. I chug Mountain Dew to get me going. Now if that bitch touch a can of Mountain Dew to give to those fucking plants, then you best to buh-lieve that it is on like Susan Sarandon!

But, I really need this job, so I just kept my answer and moved on.

Now that is what I call a "Full House"

As I was doing some research on how to properly spell Dave Coulier's name (Don't ask) I came across this picture of Jodie Sweetin. While all the world care about is the Olsen Sister, this girl has been out there battling meth, getting pregnant, getting divorced, and looking ridiculously hot at the opening of something called the "Pink Taco". I am not sure what that is, but it sounds like I want to be apart of it. Keep it up, Jodie.

Search Me

I have been going over a lengthy list of search engine keywords on how people come to Wake County Militia. My biggest hit come from people punching in "panda" with nearly three hits. However, there are some more interesting ones. "Militia sluts" might be my favorite. Just because that guy look for it, I am going to have to do a post on militia sluts. It should be a good 'un.

How ya feelin', Rochester?

iTalk about iTunes...

Here is a fun lil’ one to play with your iTunes with. Go on and organize your iTunes by number of plays. If you are like me (and if you are like me, then I weep for you), then you have never reset your play counter. These ar your top 25. Fuck Billboard! I SAID FUCK BILLBOARD! DO IT! So here is Rochester’s Top 25 with their play counts:

25. Too Young – Phoenix (37 PLAYS)

24. Fat Not Flat – Juan Huevos (38 PLAYS)

23. Huddle Formation – The Go! Team (38 PLAYS)

22. My Dick – Mickey Avalon (39 PLAYS)

21. Patty Lee – Les Savy Fav (39 PLAYS)

20. Mer De Japon – Air (39 PLAYS)

19. Stanley Kubrick – R.A. The Rugged Man (40 PLAYS)

18. What Would Wolves Do? – Les Savy Fav (40 PLAYS)

17. Hong Kong Garden – Siouxsie & The Banshees (42 PLAYS)

16. Look At This Face – Handsome Boy Modeling School (42 PLAYS)

15. Will You Return? – The Avett Bros. (42 PLAYS)

14. Spit Boxers – Thirstin’ Howl III (43 PLAYS)

13. Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (43 PLAYS)

12. Little Eyes – Yo La Tengo (44 PLAYS)

11. Incest – Juan Huevos (44 PLAYS)

10. Someone Great – LCD Soundsystem (46 PLAYS)

9. Martin Scorsese – King Missile (48 PLAYS)

8. The W.A.N.D. – The Flaming Lips (49 PLAYS)

7. Fuck The Pain Away – Peaches (50 PLAYS)

6. The City (EV Remix) – The Dismemberment Plan (51 PLAYS)

5. No Cars Go – The Arcade Fire (51 PLAYS)

4. Dre Day – Dr. Dre (52 PLAYS)

3. Slugs in the Shrubs – Les Savy Fav (57 PLAYS)

2. This Must Be The Place – Talking Heads (58 PLAYS)

1. Nu Autobahn – Future Islands (104 PLAYS)

You know how you are always saying we don’t do things together? Which you know is a lie, because we went to Denny’s like twice last week. That’s something. Well, why don’t you go on and do this? Come on, how hard can it be?

Craigslist? More Like Rochesterlist

So, I am perusing the latest want ad on craigslist today and come across this. I was shocked. I didn't realize I had put his thing up. I mean, I just lost one of my jobs so how could I pay them $400 to pose for my "catalog"? Most of the clothes in this catalog I am sure are cut-off shorts and baby girl track shorts. Also, to emphasize the clothes I am willing to bet that they need to rub salad dressing on there legs, for the clothes, of course.

Our economy is a joke...

There is nothing I love more that all those commercials that make light of the fact that our economy sucks lawn jockeys. Oh, our dollar isn't worth shit. That's for reminding me McDonald's. Gas is so expensive. Ha! Ha! Good one, Crossroads Ford. I mean, it offends me as a smart ass and as an American. Let me try it out on this story. (Ed. Note: If you have a job in the state of Michigan, then it must be as a unicorn. Jesus!)

*cough* *ahem* Well, at least when they go home after be laid off they get rest up in their hot tubs. Thank you. Please remember to tip your waitress and I'll be at Colonel Ha-ha in Akron next week. Good night every body.

Life imitates Art

As some of you might have read, I am not really doing so hot mentally. Things have not really been going my way and I spent a little Rochester time today thinking about things. I decided to rely fictional characters that resemble me in some way, because I do not want any of you in my head. And you probably do not want to be in there either (Ed. Note: There is a lot of porn and a lot of Simpson quotes. After that, it gets kind of scary.) Here is a short list:

1. Daniel Plainview: Now, I don't think I will ever kill a false prophet in my basement bowling alley after making him renounce God. I do kind of a agree with a handful of Plainview's ideas. "There are times when I look at people and see nothing worth liking." That is so true. I like only a truly select few people. And most others just piss me off at how stupid and worthless they are or can be. Also, my own mother thought of me when she saw the movie. Thanksgiving should be fun this year.

2. Cartmen: I don't think I am like Cartmen because we are both fat asses. I think I am like Cartmen because he has a group of friends that you cannot ever really figure out why they are friends with him. I sometimes, for the life of me, wonder why on God's green Earth do some people want to hang out with me. J-Bizz gave me this comparison years ago. Both Cartmen and myself would be classified by our scientific name Homo sapien dickheadis majorae.

3. Charlie Kelly: If you have ever watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then you could totally see how I could relate to Charlie. He is the perennial whipping boy of the crew and yet he always seems to get back up again. He may seem like a loser, but I find his resilience refreshing.

Who else are we missing?

Yup, still down and out in Wake County

When my buddy, Big Series, saw Rudy Ray Moore live in Chicago, Rudy Ray came in through the audience. He handed out roses to all the ladies (Ed. note: SMOOTH) and then he gave a certain number of them pins. On those pins it simple read, "This Pussy Belongs To Me". Big Series's girlfriend was one of the lucky ones to get one of those pins. She wore it with pride. I made a promise to myself that I could only be with a woman who would be able to wear a similar pin with pride and glory. I still hold that belief even to this day. Maybe that might be why I now feel like this:

Worst Week Ever?

This is becoming all too familiar to me at this point. Let's recap:

1. Rudy Ray Moore died.


2. Someone decided to step all over my mind and balls (this is all too familiar as well).


3. I am getting two teeth drilled today.


4. I didn't get a job I thought I was a lock for at Yep Roc.


5. I am getting laid off at my temping job. I just have to find another way to get $500 a month now.

How much fucking longer can I do this shit? Not much. This barely makes me feel any better. "No shit, baby"

Still kind of hurts...

I am going to try and put up a different album cover each day this week to remember Rudy Ray Moore. I found $2o and then $5 on the ground yesterday. It should've lifted my spirits. It did not. It was like this song was playing in my head all f#cking day. I just walked around with my head down, kicking acorns and junk. I was feeling really crappy. Then, Evans2Betsy calls to tell me that her new roommate was a Cambodian war refugee. I had no idea and I had been making all sorts of Pol Pot and Khmer Rogue joke for the better part of a couple of weeks. Needless to say, this has been a tough couple of days for me.

Rudy Ray Moore: A Life Remembered

Rudy Ray Moore died today. And anyone who knows me, knows this is a pretty big blow to me and my life. Just the other day I had the tags on my car renewed. They have something to do with Rudy Ray Moore character of Dolemite. The black lady at the DMV muttered under her breath, "What do you know about about Dolemite?" I made a pretty big scene. Going back and forth with movies and quotes. It made the other DMV worker laugh. I then pointed to my belt, in which is inscribed simply "DOLEMITE". They both just laughed their asses off.

Rudy Ray Moore was first introduced to me and my friends back on my 16th birthday. We had the 1st ever Rudy Ray Moore Film Festival. We watched all of his films in a single night. It changed all of our lives and perspectives on things. It was a hell of a thing to do to a group of upper-middle class white kids in the middle of NC. Every year we tried to meet for my birthday and do it all over again. We had roughly 6 film festivals in all. J-Bizz came to some of them and he spread the word of Rudy Ray to his friends in Athens, GA. Once I was hanging out with one of the aforementioned friends who broke out a, "Bitch, are you for real?" I jump up and gave one of the hardest high five I have ever given. I will miss Rudy Ray Moore and I will miss his franchise as well. I hope he is able to keep the angels in line in heaven. And God, remember he don't wear no cotton draws.

Better Know A Brewer

As the Brewers are now down 0-2 against the Phillies. I thought it might be nice for you to meet a Brewer before he goes back to his horrible life of money, slutty women, and playing catch for a living. Meet Seth McClung:

Hey ya'll I am Seth McClung. Old number 73. My teammates call me 'Set-Up Seth'. I like nicknames. I call Prince Fielder, Prince 'In' Fielder, because he is an infielder. I look exactly like Rochester when he was in shape. But not like 'high school' in shape. But like the kind of in shape that if he would just stop drinking so much and eating Hot Pockets in his boxers while watching 'Kate & Allie' and maybe go for a brisk walk or a nice hike. 'Cause I know I got a bit of a gut, but that just comes with age. Oh well, time to go throw 89 mph and prey my shoulder doesn't explode. I hope Rochester is listening.

Suck it, McClung. (Ed. Note: If you read the wiki on McClung it says, "...his nickname 'Big Red' began to stick on account of his stature and pitching command and velocity. Yeah that makes sense. Not because he is a husky red-head. WHO WRITES THAT CRAP?)

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids...

Once a douchebag...

...always a douchebag. As some of may know, I went to high school with one of the biggest losers. No, I don't mean loser as in "Man, Rochester what's with all the Barbie dolls in their original packaging? You are the biggest loser." (Ed. Note: I can believe a hooker would say such a thing.) I mean, she is a contestant on "The Biggest Loser". Anyhow after pod casting over at Buddy Randolph's, I went to the Crunkleton to watch it with a friend. I did not know that it was going to be an impromptu high school reunion. I stayed in the back and tried to fly under the radar, but this did not work. Can't a giant red-head with a beard hide anymore? This guy, let's call him Josh V. No, that doesn't work. Let's call him J. VanDerPuy. No, that's too vague. Josh VanDerPuy was the dude's name. I was not friends, associate, or acquaintances with this dude. Last time we even spoke to each other was when he kicked my in the back of my calf for not reason during soccer practice in the 4th grade. I don't hold grudge though, because I don't even remember that little shit who stole my green Voltron action figure in the 2nd grade. YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER, MOTHER FUCKER!

Any who, Josh is handing out superfluous high five and comes to me. I try to leave him hanging, but my momma didn't raise me like that. Here is the chit-chat:

• JOSH: You live here?
• ROCHESTER: No, I live in Raleigh.
• JOSH: Same thing.
• ROCHESTER: (fire fills eyes) What did you say?
• JOSH: It's the same thing. Just like here and Asheville.
• ROCHESTER: Start running.

Okay so the last part didn't happen, but the other parts are true. What in the world is this shovelfuck talking about? Raleigh is the same as Chapel Hill? Or Asheville? Okay, so it might be a little similar to Asheville, but not the great City of Oaks. I had nothing but murderous rage in my heart when I heard such a statement. I really hope it is another 20 years until we talk again, VanDerPuy. And we wonder why I hate the Dutch.

Are you there, God? It's me. Rochester.

First NC State beats ECU in dramatic fashion, then this happens. Looks like someone decided to put our differences behind us and start looking towards a better life. A better life hopefully with out DJ AM and Travis Barker. Thanks, Big Guy.

PS Sorry about the other four though.

Please, just go already...

I was a-working last night and some old woman came in and axed if she could use our bathroom. I grunted and pointed her the way to the bathroom and she said, "Thanks, you are saving my life."

This might be the last thing in the world I want to here when I let a someone use the bathroom. Bitch, just use it and go. The only thing I can think of worse than that would be if she said, "I don't know what it is about public restrooms that make me so f*cking horny." Douche chills!

Hey, girl. Ya hungry?

So that's over...

I really don't give two hot pockets about the Democrapic National Convention. The media talks about how it changed everyone perspective on Barry Obama and energized the party. This is total malarkey. Everyone knows who they are going to vote for by now and nothing from here until November 8th is going to change that. Nothing. Hillary's girls are not going to vote for McCain. And there is no such thing as an independent voter. An independent voter is just someone who doesn't like hearing all this hockey about how each candidate is worse than the other. With that being said, I want to pick on Michelle Obama's appearances and add no political commentary. In other words, I wanna be a bitch.

• Girl, tease that hair up all you want. You ain't hiding that fivehead (that is bigger than a forehead).
  
• What's wrong with your mouth? Girl, you chewing tobacco? You ain't gotta do that to attract redneck voters.
  
• Leave your little girls back stage. I don't need to see all that sixhead and sevenhead.

Watch out, this Rochester kitten has claws.