I gotta take a leak...

...so the Mitchell Report do leaked. Thus killing the nine hours of coverage that ESPN was planning on doing to show each player one by one. On the list were a couple of surprises. Wally Joyner? I mean, he came out awhile ago, but still. His name is WALLY. The one that was really no shock but was Brady Anderson. I hated Brady Anderson. His one season where he hit 50 homers was one of the biggest blinking lights that players were using steroids in the MLB. I have not been to many major league games so I remember my experiences quite vividly. My father took me to see the Red Sox-Orioles game back during that Brady Anderson freak season. We stopped off at a McDonald's up by out hotel before that game and Robbie Alomar was getting drive thru in his black Mercedes S600. Cool, right? We had really bad seats at Camden Yards. We had to take an escalator to them. To this day, I have never had to take an escalator to seats at a sporting event. So we are on the 300 level concourse and there is a gift shop selling Orioles shwag. Hat, mini-bats, and jerseys. There in the middle of all this was a poster of Brady Anderson, like this one. My Dad, never one to mince words, sighed "What the hell is this crap? Son, you're a Red Sox fan, right?" I agreed. He looked relieved.

Please Stop...

I absolutely hate this guy. This is Colin Cowherd. He is the Summer's Eve of sports talk radio. I, for the life of me, have no idea why he is on nationally. Who actually tunes into his show on a daily basis on purpose? I can understand Tony Bruno (Why does he sound like he always is finishing off a sandwich when he talks?), Jim Rome (Is that Jim Everett hiding in the bushes?), and Dan "ESPN can suck my bowls!" Patrick. They have their market and they put together a good show that I laugh at easily once every time. First off, he sounds like he is still waiting for his other testicle to drop or his mom is late picking him up from soccer practice. That doesn't help. Two, he negates all that says within a two week period. Example? A-ight. He start of the season saying he didn't think the SEC was all that quality of a football conference and that Les Miles should not be talking about USC schedule like he was. Um, zuh? Recently, he was talking about the down fall of the PAC-10 this season down the stretch. Double zuh! Also, his show about as well planned as one of my radio shows from 2003. I am only guessing, but I think the production notes go something like this:

• Pick the opposite view of every sane sports fan in America for one topic--->Top of the hour.
• Talk about how you are right for that same one topic----->Next 2.5 hours.

The things about the other sports jocks is that they take phone calls. The dude-che is on for 3 hours, except where he get preempted for Jim Rome (HA!), and he take maybe two phone calls. I am sure his producer screens the buh-jesus out of them, too. Because, it is always some guy who agrees with him...WHY ARE YOU CALLING A SPORTS TALK SHOW TO AGREE WITH SOME GUY? Come on! In a perfect world, Sam Elliot would have a sports talk show. In a perfect world.

Victoria's Not-So-Secret

...I mean, what the hell was that crap. What was that really the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? Two shit-tastic performances by Seal (neither of which were "A Kiss From A Rose" or "Crazy") and the return of the Spice Girls (when did Posh Spice become the ugly one?) were not enough to kill horrible long angled shot of women in what might be considered underwear. Here are the camera shot synapses:

1. Long range as the girl walks down the runway.
2. Weird low angle that shows that freaky runway walk they do, but not much else.
3. Right as they turn they do a close up on the model's face as she makes some crappy wink or something and then....
4. Long range of the model's shoulders so as not to upset fatties, closet cases, and Baptists (who don't wear underwear because Jesus didn't).

What in the Sam Houston State is going on CBS? Are you really all that chicken? I can see more on any given episode of Asi Es La Vida any night of the week. I have a feeling this has something to do with Tyra Banks's old shows. Homegirl was a-jiggling! Now those were the days.

The Numbers Don't Lie....

Cakewalk 9...

So the ACC won the ACC/Big Ten Challenge. That's nine in a row, for those counting. I really hated this year's matchups. Who chose NC State v. Michigan State in East Lansing? We got rolled. They also played James Thomas Valvano's ESPY speech right before it, so it was a really tough beat to take and watch. So, what does any rational person do? He goes home and burns a book that was written twenty years ago that was disparaging to the program he loves. TAKE THAT!

Duke Football or something...

...yesterday Duke fired Ted Roof. Joe Alleva claims he is going to look for a coach with head coaching experience. I was on Duke's career page today and there was a posting for "Head Football Coach". I got a snortle out of it. Joe Alleva might be the the second worst AD in major college athletics. The first would be Vanderbilt's AD, who put all sports including inter murals into the same pool. I don't know who he is going to hire, but I am sure he'll (or maybe even she'll) be horrible.

Better late then never...

..way to go USA! We stood up to a totalitarian military regime! And just twenty years after it started! I think we all deserve a soda, we really earned our treat today!

Scenes from a Football Game

So football finally happened this weekend. I was very excited and happy. Here's a little wrap up of the my first football game of the year NC State v. UCF:

1. I park my car roughly half a mile from the stadium and head over to a friend of mines tailgate. I am getting a late start. This is the first year since the shootings at Trinity Road three years ago that we get five full hours of tailgating. I only need a couple of hours, but I will use the full five for one game this year. My cousin call while I am walking an tells me that App. State is gonna beat Michigan in the Big House. He give me the play-by-play over the phone while his sons cry in the background. The way some people remember how great sportscasters called memorable moments in sports, this is how I'll remember this one. Lloyd Carr has already started looking for a coaching job at FAU or Stetson as we read/write this.
2. Finally run up with my tailgate. Let me get this off my chest, girls looked really hot or cute, but the functionality of their ensembles was seriously lacking. They all looked like they were going to the Kentucky Derby. I want these girls to know that NC State is not in the SEC, so quit dressing and acting like we are. Also, when did this whole short skirt with cowboy boots look start back again. I thought it was dead. While I am thinking this, a fight breaks out on the other side of an RV. The police and sheriff's department swarm enforce and very quickly. I was impressed and a little spooked. A couple of drunk kids start to chant "F*ck the Police" and they are given open container tickets. I decide it is time to head into the game. As I walk with the masses, so UCF fans are mixed in. I am walking with a UCF family of six, a dad & mom with their four daughters in ages from 10 to roughly 18. A "class act" State fan yells at them to "F*ck off and f*cking die!" I am embarrassed. I do not mind trash talking or taunting opposing teams fans. They are on our territory and should expect some fun rassing. As early UCF fans came by my tailgate, I sang the "Mickey Mouse" song and even this family felt my witty reporte when I asked them if they go to DisneyWorld every weekend. This good hearted and fairly clever. When the State fan in front of us flicked the UCF family off, things got ugly and again I was embarrassed to be associated with them. The UCF father got in the kids face and then I wondered where all the police were...oh right.
   
3. I had great seats for the game, or so I thought. They were on the 40 and 15 rows back. I was really pleased with them. UCF gets the ball first and runs a single back sweep and NC State misses the first tackle and their RB scampers 80 yards for the TD. It is one of those first game, first play type of flukes. I knew that, but the ass clown behind me did not. He starts in as if the season was all over on the first play. I don't know who he was talking to. His wife was busy going to town on some funnel cake. He was a nightmare to sit in front of. Loud, wrong, negative, and loud. Daniel Evans looked pretty lost. I really didn't understand it, but when he slipped under pressure in the end zone for a safety. I was really upset. Coach O'Brien gave him another shot when NC State got the ball inside the 20. Evans couldn't do it and NC State had to settle for a field goal. These two plays pretty much doomed the team. Evans gave the other team two points and couldn't get an easy TD for six. That's a big swing.
   
4. Harrison Beck came in for Evans in the next series. He looked a big frazzled early. Then the half came. I switched seats, I could not take anymore of the f*ckface behind me. The scout team did some real work for NC State. They looked a lot better in the second half. In the first, State's passes we going out to the flats and sidelines with little success. Also, Andre Brown almost non-exsistant. The second, Beck was tossing over the center of the defense. It was wide open almost every time. The O-Line did a much better job of giving Beck time to wait for the receiver to get in the weak spot of the UCF zone. The NC State defense was making the tackles they were missing in the first. It was a definite tale of two halves. State score 23 unanswered and had a very real shot at a W until the official called an illegal procedure penalty and docked State 15 yards. I was a little shocked. That was big penalty. It doomed us. Tick-tick-game over.
5. There was a lot of grumbling as I walked back to my car, which when I walked through the dark parking lots with all the drunken angry sports fans in it felt like I parked it in Garner. I was mad. I mean, we lost. NC State lost all because of bad play and penalties in the first half, seeming Amato-esque. But, the second half, looked really crisp and automatic. This was the first game with a new coach, who doesn't even have the kinds of players he need to get his system done the way he wants it. I was fairly happy with the results and look forward to what else is to come.
   

I wonder where I can get a Lobotobizer?

Hey is anyone really buying the XDR TB bullshit? I am not. Maybe next time they'll be saying all he had was "African Rabies." If it stinks like shit, looks like shit, then it most likely is shit. Looks like I will be wintering in Vermont this year.

Bring the Heat!

Wait, so global warming is melting ice and killing polar bears. Did you see what that fucker did? Sweet Honeypot, Pooh!

Hollywood Poop

I have a lot to gripe about today. Last night I was all jacked about a new "Andy Barker PI". I had my VCR programed to tape NBC from 8-10pm. The normal hours for the new must see. I went to work, came home, pour myself a glass of buttermilk, and sat down to enjoy my must see . But, NBC decided to make the first three shows "supersized". This means, 4 minutes longer with 6 more minutes of commercials. This is fine, but what happened? I watch a 40 minute long "Scrubs", which was not funny and hella depressing, and I run out of tape. Thanks NBC. I really like "Andy Barker PI". It reminds me of 1980's television. It is just real pure.
I wanted to go see "Grindhouse" today between shifts as work. I thought it would be like 2 hours. It turns out to be 3.25 hours long! A true double feature. I was shocked. Now, my noodle starts going. If the two films were on their own, then maybe people would see them. Maybe. If they are together in this rebirth of an old gimmick, then people will see them. "Two crappy movies for the price of one? How can I go wrong?" says fat American movie goer in a Puddle of Mud T-Shirt. It is a scam.
Now, Matt and I live in the same complex. And we all know Matt had had some effed up dreams recently. I had one the other night. Here it is:

It starts in a basement of some house. Its my old running crew of Booby, Scott, Big Series and me. Big Series tells me we have to kill this wild hog to make dinner. I volunteer to do it. He hands me a butchers knife and out of the darkness appears this monster hog. Black, hairy with massive tusks and a hump of muscle on his back. He charges me and I stab him. The blade doesn't go all the way and I have to stab again until I hit his heart. He squeals and Big Series rushes over and hold the hog until he is dead. He is petting it and talking soothing to it. Big Series decides that it is not right to kill animals for food.
[Scene missing] Big Series has killed Cynthia Nixon. I am 100% positive because when I woke up in a sweat, I wrote it down. CYNTHIA NIXON! But killing Cynthia Nixon for food freaks out Big Series and he starts crying. No. Weeping. Loudly. Booby, Scott and I leave him in the basement and go upstairs. [Scene missing] Big Series builds an entire kitchen on top of where he has killed Cynthia Nixon and he hides their while the hog is prepared on top. We can hear him crying while we eat the hog right above him. [I awake]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Thank You, God...

...THANK YOU! Even with Justin Long in it, it will be awesome. How did this little sh*t get so big time anyway? I am sure they are looking for a way to put him and Hilary Duff in some movie with Jon Heder together. On the flip side, this will undoubtedly be one of the worst movies ever. Hey, Hollywood, you wanna know why people stopped going to the theater? It because you have wasted three screens with this crap. STOP IT!

Noe-body does it better

So I was working last night. And because it is a Monday in March, I am watching the ASU v. Rutgers women's NCAA game. Why? Because they are more fundamentally sound then men? No, because Jill Noe is playing for ASU. I read an article about ASU in USA Today and have been smitten with Jilly-kins (that's what I call her in my made up relationship in my head) ever since. I was at the ASU website today, to get a photo for the post, and all the players have pictures of themselves in fancy get ups. It is kind of good for the somewhat attractive players. Others...not so much. I am curious with the recent actions of some women's coaches. Will this become a trend? Is it going to become necessary to remind people in the women's sport community that they are women? Maybe.

McSecond Round Pick

...So Josh McRoberts is leaving Duke. If anyone is keeping tabs, that is two big goofy white boys who never lived up to their top billing at Duke to leave in the past four years. McRoberts will get drafted, get a contract, and play for six years but never average double figures in any category. There. I said it. Let's look at the hard knocks life Josh is coming from. His family is living in abject poverty in Carmel, Indiana. They had to switch to the discount chlorine for their pool and his momma, who is smoking hot, had to but Y-rated tires on her Lexus GS430. I lived in Carmel. No one is poor in that town. I think elementary school teacher roll in 1970's Rolls Royces. But why would Duke be so supportive of him leaving? Hmmm, I wonder. BTW, NC State is going to be freakishly good next season. Prediction? Top 3 in the ACC. Top 15 in the NCAA. Not bad for an NIT team.

March Madness

We start the Sweet Sixteen tonight and being that I am a Bracketologist, I have pick 83% right for the first two rounds. I love this time of year. However, I also have come to hate some of the things this "Madness" creates. It creates stars out of role players. And, what's worse, it gives marginal first or second year coaches the title of being "hot". This year it is Anthony Grant. First off, beating Duke is not that big of a deal. If he had beat them in November, I might've raised an eyebrow. By March, Duke was shell of the team that Dick Vitale had painted on a nude boy. I think this Grant guy is a dick. I don't have any proof, but his court side mannerisms and the way he dealt with the press gave me that impression. I am sure that Michigan or Iowa or even Utah will be stumbling all over themselves to get him. They'll rally their alumni clubs for all the nickels and dimes they can get to give this guy a long expensive contract. All because his team went 28-7 and busted up a suck ass Duke team. 28-7 in the CAA? IN THE CAA! Yeah, let's look at the giants they dropped to:

• Xavier (a tourney team, not bad)
• Toledo (wha...)
• App. State (3rd in the Southern Confernce...yup.)
• Hofstra (well it was on the road)
• Old Dominion (Hey, didn't they retire Dave Twardzik's number?)
• Bradley (that was a BracketBuster. I guess it was busted)
• Pitt (it was a good loss, but still a loss)

My other favorite is when these "hot" coaches go on to say, "My heart is here. At UNC-Wilson" or "I am not interested in going to UCLA. My family and I are comfortable here at Mankota State." It is all of our natural desire to move up in the world. That's why I went back to college and graduated 9 and a half years later. That's why Matt is going to be a crude slick lawyer. That's why 3000 is going to get that graphics company off the ground. We need to advance in life. Staying in one place? I have never believed that. NEVER! Gregg Marshall was this first coach I have ever seen leave his program, get all teary eye while driving on the road and literally turn around.

I was at the College of Charleston during their NCAA glory years. I worked with the basketball team. We were ranked 16th in 1997 and 14th in 1999. We made it to three NCAA Tournaments in a row and beat Maryland and gave eventual champs, Arizona, a full 40 minute fight in 1997. The school had only been in D I for nine years. It was kind of big, but John Kresse had been coaching there for over two decades. There was talks of switching conferences from the Southern to the A-10. There were talks of a brand new arena, paid for my the Charleston tax payers. Then in 2000, College of Charleston stop going to the NCAA. They didn't even get a NIT bid. Now, College of Charleston hasn't made the NCAA in over six years and I kind of doubt, with Bobby Kremins at the helm, they ever will again. Where is the new arena? Nowhere. I can only imagine all the sh*t George Mason tried to get.

I'll be amazed if Anthony Grant is at VCU next year.

This is horrible

I was working last night and caught the trailer for a new horror flick, "Dead Silence". We had the sound off at work so I just saw the visuals. It looked hella scary. I mean, creepy long face old people and puppets....DAMN! It looked so good. Then, I got to imbd.com today and find out who is behind it. Its the writer/director of "Saw". For those of you not familiar with "Saw" and all the requisite sequels. Or as I like to refer to them, disappointing. I quickly went from excited to bored and then I got a little hungry and then I went back to bored again. I'll give this movie the benefit of the doubt, meaning I doubt it will be any good.

Shooting Ones Wad...

...I am afraid that is what Chuck Palahniuk did that. I just finished reading "Haunted". I don't have cable and don't have a real job, so I have taken back up recreational reading. FUN COME ALIVE! It was a fun read. But, one of my favorite books is "Fight Club". I have read it four times. Twice for school and twice for fun. It is great. It is also one of the few books I have read that is actually awesome to correspond with the movie. However, "Fight Club" was his first book. Chuck has written a dozen or so more books since then. "Haunted," while being fun, disgusting, weird, and spooky all at the same time, lacks something. It takes the guise of being a post-modern Canterbury Tales, but I never got that feeling from it. Palahnuik never take the voice of his story tellers. He keeps his own voice. His own voice is the voice of 30-something hipsters. You might be saying, "Rochester, that's only two books." Oh no my friends, I have read two of his shorts stories, one from an old GQ and another from Playboy. (I have had it since 2001, so I am actually starting to read these damn things!) Those two stories have the same problem. But, you know what? I am going to read "Choke" and "Survivor" because I want to believe that they won't have the same problems. I truly do.

Tim Hardaway is Gay!

I am getting so sick of this. Timmy hates gays. Okay, so he's an asshole. Do I really need 24 hour coverage on this. Let's also look at Timmy's career in a whole, or in his case, in an asshole. The lump sum of his career was spent in Golden State and Miami. Yup, no homosexuals there. There is a line in "The Simpsons" when Krusty realizes he is not Jewish. "All this time I thought I was a self-loathing Jew, but it turns out I am just an anti-semite." Think about it, Timmy, then dust off your disco pants and head on out to South Beach.

2007 is far from heaven...

I had an awesome 2006. It was awesome. That being said 2007 is 44 days old and is has been a royal shit storm. Let's recap:

1. Junkie former roommate sticks me for the entire month of January's rent. Sooper!
2. I find out that one of the loves of my imaginary live, Debra Morgan, is married. This is not entirely bad, because there was a 0% chance I could have had sex with her. However, her husband is ugly and looks to be roughly 10 years older than her. Also, her real last name is not Morgan. Its much more "ethnic".
3. Then, I find out my Grandma's dead.
4. They are closing King's and turning it into a parking deck.
5. I have not found a real job yet.
6. My girlfriend says our relationship has "plateaued" and "just wants to be friends".

2,3,4, and 6 all happened in roughly 72 hours. Looks like God remember He hated me again. Wow.

I am already tired...

...of hearing this stuff. It has been less than eight hours and I know I will hear this for 15 years. Big Mac didn't get the nod to go to Cooperstown. SHOCKING! He'll get in. Mark it (what a delicious pun). I don't understand this stigma of steroids in baseball. Shawn Merriman did them. Julius Peppers did them. Hell, Todd sauerkraut, a PUNTER, did them. And yet we hold them up to a different standard then Big Mac, Sosa, and Bonds. [NOTE: Dislike Bonds causes he is a dick, not because he does steroids.] Can someone please answer me on this? It makes no sense. Baseball did not outlaw steroids. So, these guys were doing nothing wrong. It is the same as the spitball or Ty Cobb stomping a handicapped fan. Well, maybe no that. Why is there a double standard? Oh, just so know one forgets, NBA players cannot test positive for cocaine or steroids, but can still smoke trees. That makes sense, too.