Why we Lost the Vietnam War....

Say what you want about the Viet Cong. The real reason we didn't obtain ultimate victory in the Vietnam War was because it was in the Mekong Delta. Why is this suggnifgent? Because the effing Mekong River has this swimming all up in it! Whisky Tango Foxtrot! Where is the stink bait, Cletus?!

Waiting for Free Agency...

So, I didn't get drafted last night. I think my size and lack of big time experience was a major factor. But it does give me an excuse to make a mock stat sheet. It will also give me a Fat Fest update:
Name: Rochester F. Binghampton
Height: 6' 0.5" (J-MO measured)
Wingspan: 6' 1.5" (J-MO measured)
Weight: 201.5 lbs
Birthday: Dec. 16, 1978
High School: Chapel Hill High School
College(s): College of Charleston, Durham Technical Community College, and NC State
NBA Comparison: Bill Lamibeer, Jack Sikma, Brad Lohaus, Danny Ferry (circa 2000), Darko.
Favorite Food: Prime Rib
Music: Bumblebeez 81
Movie: Anchorman
Book: anything by Chuck Palahniuk
G'Ma in Crazy Hat: Yes

That was fun. Now you do one....

American Spells Champion S-P-U-R-S!

That is right! The trophy has left West Baghdad, aka Detorit, and come back to San Antonio. I am a little hungover, so I'll try to keep this short. One, Rasheed Wallace looks like he is homeless. Two, Larry Brown is a dick (I'll go into more detail on my next post). Three, Tim Duncan is the only good thing to come out of Wake Forest. Four, I love when athletes have hot girlfriends/wives, becuase when I need to look at some ladies they always flash to them in the crowd. Tony Parker has Eva Longoria. My favorite of all time is Matt Williams, former D-Back 3B, and his now ex-wife, Michelle "Blame It On Rio" Johnson. Whoa man! Five, suck it Detroit. Suck it! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS O' DA WORLD!

This should not be funny to me...

This is horrible. Yet, I could not help, but wonder what big fans of the show his parents were. Also, if there is any foul play involved, then I think I know who did it. I bet, she is hiding out at 227.

A ? for Tons-A-Fun...

I know I never did, but I could not think of the people who did. So, Tons-A-Fun, how many people hooked up in your van, including yourself? They should've called that thing the Dodge Brothel.

The Sweet Release of Death...

Up until I dominated my Philosophy test today, I was thinking about ending it all. I decided against it, because Hillary Duff has a new movie out. And if the Wake County Militia doesn't have a picket line outside of the theater, then who will? I had a moral obligation. However, the question arose, "How would you kill yourself?" This place gave me a few ideas. I'll just save the day I do a Cadbury Surprise, until I am 73 and have a cat with leftist tendencies, named Chairman Meow.

Amino Acid

So, as I was running today the only thing bouncing in my head was the beginning of 50 Cent's "At The Club". Of course, my A.D.D. self starts to think if I looked like the badass that he looked like in the video. Then, my mind starts to wander to the biggest badasses in film history. Here is who I thought up:

10. Melvin Spivey (Dazed & Confused): Also, known as the black guy. He didn't do anything particularly badass, but you know that of O'Bannon ever pulled any sheet on him. (shivers) Something awful would happen.
9. Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction): The role that defined Samuel Jackson. Badass perm. Badass sideburns. Talks like a badass. Badass gun. Has badass mofo written on the outside of his wallet. The prototypical badass, until he decides to get out the game. Quitters never win, Jules.
8. Private Reich (Ravenous): SPOILER ALERT He is dead. He is stabbed, falls off a fvcking cliff, lands on some spikes, yet still has just enough strength to try to kill the coward who didn't shot his killer. Sprechen Sie Badass!
7. Blain (Predator): One quote sums up Jessie "The Mind" Ventura's character: "I ain't got time to bleed."
6. Brian Fantana (Anchorman): "People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang. " SHO-NUFF!
5. Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas): Is that how Joe Pesci is all the time? He is half the size of everyone, yet everyone is sheet scared of him. Here's a little Binghampton family secret; I am, too.
4. Nicky Santoro (Casino): Really, the same character as above, only more violent. He'll beat or stab you with the random object of choice. Phone? Okay. Wad of cash? No problem. Pen? Sure! He is the used car salesman of ass kickings. He lost major points for whimpering like a nine-year old while he dies in a ditch. That is a a badass faux paus.
3. Sgt. Elias Grodin (Platoon): Can a badass be morally sound in the battlefields of Veitnam? Yup. Just ask the 30 or so Veit Cong that get popped in his single-handed assault on a bunker complex. In all fairness, all Army Rangers are badasses.
2. SSgt. Bob Barnes (Platoon) How do you one up a badass? SPOILER ALERT Frag his ass! That is exactly what Barnes did. He has so many badass lines from that I can't type 'em. So here is what Rhah says about Sarge Bob: "Wrong? You ain't never been right, about nothing! And dig this you assholes, and dig it good. Barnes has been shot seven times and he ain't dead, does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die! The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes." Delicious
1. Animal Mother (Full Metal Jacket): He would have eaten Sergeant Hartman alive if he were on Paris Island with him. His helmet has "BECOME DEATH" painted on it. He carries a M-60 like it was a loaf of bread and he wants to fight everyone, V.C., N.V.A., and Americans. Much like Barnes he has too many quotes to types, so here is what Eightball has to say about him: "Believe it or not, but under fire, Animal Mother can be a wonderful human being. All he needs is somebody throwing grenades at him 'til the end of his life. " Also, ANIMAL MOTHER is a awesome nickname.

Did I miss someone? Let me know.

Soccer is still for pussies...

but, this is pretty funny. I came across it while gazing at the WKNC website.

Tale of the Tape...

Rochester: (as of 12:00 PM 6-19-2005)
Height: 6'O"
Waist: 36"
"Ideal Weight": 187 lbs
Actual Weight: 204.5 lbs

Let the games begin. Oh and Tons-a-Fun, do your folks still have that body fat scale? I want it.

Hotter Than June...

"A fetish ain't a fetish if you do it everyday" My buddy Tommy Lawless said that. With that being said I have always had an attraction to female athletes. Jen Capriati, Sue Bird, Ginger Faerber (There you go, Mom), Mary Pierce, Tisha Venturini, and the list goes on forever. So, last night MTV aired a lesbian Room Raiders. So, right there they had my attention. Then, the girls involved in it were foxy athletic types. I was waiting for God to strike down with vengence because I had found heaven on channel 53. Then, MTV aired right after it Making the Video for Jessica Simpson's new cover for the Dukes of Hazard movie. She maybe dumb. She may make crappy music. But, I will fight any man to the death who sez she is not hot. And if you see the video, then you'll fight just same. Even you, Annie.

Fat Guys in Little Coats...

The gauntlet has been tossed. Now, the three day debate on how things should be scored. I was trying to think up a equation, when I should have been listening to the pyscho-babble of Intro to Philosophy. I thought total weight loss percentage (x) plus loss in measured waist line (y) plus loss in measured neck line (z) should equal out overall score (A). [x+y+z=A]. Or we can use your percentage lost (x) subtracted by how far off you are from the "ideal weight" (v) plus your measured waist line (y). [x-v+y=A]. We can really bat this one around. I have no problems with more people getting involved. So Tons-a-Fun, if you need some motivation, then come on into our nightmare. If we are going for prizes (a T-shirt that sez "I won Survivor: Fatass") or a trophy (which by the way are not cheap) we can debate about that one, too. MB is a happy medium as a go between. So, at the approved date and time we can e-mail him our results. This would insure we wouldn't cheat, after seeing each other totals, but we are still basically on the honor system. Let's keep this thing going...

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

So, the Angry Hippie is going on a diet. I do not know Angry Hippie. However, I have found this new diet craze to be enough to warrant a challenge. I too have gain a few pounds. I wish to challenge him to a diet v. exercise competition. I need to be in some type of a contest to get myself motivated to do something about this. He can do his "South Beach Diet" and cut his drinking down. I will continue to eat with my same wreckless abandon and drink like Kitty Dukakis, only I'll start running on a near daily basis. Waddaya say? I will put my weight on my blog on Sunday, and start my exercising on Monday. Two weeks later I'll do an update. Come on, AH. I need this. I have wanted to beat you up ever since you said I sucked at football.

You Got Peanut Butter on My Chocolate...

No, you got chocolate in my peanut butter. WHO CARES? Two great tastes that taste great together. Why am I quoting Robbie Benson from a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial? Because my boy, the J-Biz, asked me which of my New Year's Eve drink creations I liked the best. This is quite a conundrum, because if you mixed Alize and Mountain Dew: Code Red together I would think it is good because alcohol is in it. Wait a minute, I bet that is good! I'll call it "Fire in the Hole" Lord, why have you given me these powers of mixology? They both have their merits. The Orange Genuis (equal parts Orange Juice, Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum and Seven-Up over ice) and the Milwaukee Mimosa (same as a Mimosa, but you use the Champange of Beers, High Life, instead of faggy French champange) have the same quality to them. They will get you drunk. However, the Milwaukee Mimosa was created as a punch line to a joke, which does not take away from its awesomeness, while the Orange Genuis was created because my friend, Big Series, and I have A.D.D. and wanted to get drunk faster. So, in a barroom brawl in my liver, the Orange Genuis wins, but just narrowly.

MATT IS DUMB: FIRST BLOOD PT. 1...

Poor Matt. He is not as smart as he thinks he is. He could not make it to the bigs. There will be no Tournament of Champions for my little man. Before he can tell us why he really did not get on Jeopardy, let's do it the blogger way, make up lies with absolutely no evidence. Here are a list of reasons he couldn't cut the proverbial mustard:

1. He confessed that his knowledge in the "Potent Potables" catergory consisted of drinks made with High Life and/or rubbing alchohol. When informed there was no such drinks as the Milwuakee Mimosa or Kitty Dukakis-atini, he flew off the handle and slapped the test giver.
2. When given the "Football's Greatest" catergory, he kept giving his falg football stats. He was told those stats are now worthless, and then he flew off the handle and dry-humped the test giver.
3. He asked the test giver if he had to "go all Trebek" to get on the show. He then stated he won't "grow no faggy mustache" or "say a-boot". For no reason he flew off the handle and waved a nasty finger at the test giver.
4. He asked if the fact that he has had sex with a woman would keep him off the show. When he was told it would, he flew off the handle, yelling "Damned devil women! Always after my seed!" and gave a DDT to the test giver.
5. While other test takers showed up wearing Cosby Sweaters and ties, Matt showed up wearing his favorite William of Orange mesh tank top and wooden shows. They refused him entry to the test and told him to go stick his finger in a dyke. He then flew off the handle and shoved his finger into Tyne Daly.

All joking aside, way to make it that far, Matt. If you want you can borrow my Playstation game of Jeopardy and bone up for next year.

Was He Really All That Tricky?

So, Deep Throat is out, and let me tell you that old guy looks like he could gobble up 12-inches and still be begging for more. However, all this talk of Watergate brings up a fairly interesting question, "Was Richard Nixon all that bad?" Really think about it. I can think of only two things he did that were all that bad. One, the secret bombing in Cambodia was a borderline war-criminal offense. And two, breaking into a hotel to find dirt on an oppenent. Other than that, what? I am asking because I am a little dumb on the man and only hear the same old sheet. And compare and contrast him to any President and you'll see what I mean. Tell me about it.

Why I go to School Here...

I go to THE North Carolina State University for high grade learning I get. However, I also root rabidly for our sports teams. With this being said, did they really need to tell us this crap?

Junk Mail is Scary.

I am constantly getting junk mail sent to me at the Rightist Wilderness Compound. The one that scares me the most are the missing children fliers. I am not scared of missing children, because most of them are kind of sexy. Damn you, Jen Capriati! The scary part is that on the other side is usually a carpet cleaning service. I find this to be a rather pessimistic view of the fliers ability to aid in finding that child. However, I guess if all else fails and the child is dead somewhere at least the kidnapper has a chance to clean up after his/herself. But, is this really the kind of target marketing carpet cleaning company's should be going for?