Cyber-Winners, Real Losers...

It has been four days since UN Sissy has made mince meat of my life. I did not go to the game, instead I did my best to polish off a case of High Life (READ: no PBR v. High Life comments) on my loveseat. And now three games into the year, we are officially out of championship contention. Thanks, Chesty! I am not one of those "fire 'em" when the water gets hot types, but I am one of those "win a fucking football game, you loud mouth greaseball" types. However, there is a bright spot in all of this. The Indian dude who works at the N&O beat the white dude who works at the N&O in NCAA Football 2006. Watch that highlight, too. Did you see it? Yeah, that was a USER CATCH! At THE North Carolina State University, we don't rely on the CPU to make our catches!

Come On Black Women!

Do not do this to your children! Name 'em LaRochester or JaMatt, just not Donkay!

Freedom of Errection Act

Does anyone remember Debra LaFave? She was one of my LaFavorite post. She is back in the news. 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq, Katrina, and now this. Why isn't Pres. Bush doing something. This is a clear violation of the Freedom of Information Act. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

I admit it...

..I cannot get enough of this guy's shit.

Candy Reign

So, I had the worse candy ever yesterday, The Nerd Rope. Essentially it is Nerds covering a tasteless gummie rope. I would not have had a problem if the rope had any flavor or excessive sugar to it what so ever. Instead, it was a food colored gummie rope, without any flavor. It was like chewing Nerd with a rubber band inside of them. I was debating between that and the world's almost perfect candy bar, Chunky. I was kicking myself for the rest of the afternoon about that one. Chunky, for those of you not in the know, is a hunk of milk chocolate with peanuts and raisins hidden perfectly within. It is almost perfect, because it has not followed the industry norm of king-sizes. Chunky is a lot like sex, you have it and like two or three minutes later you want it again. Now if that put out a king-sized Chunky, it would be like sex with a big girl. You get it all king-sized and two or three days later you want it again. (READ: Big girls rock!) It make sense. What is your perfect candy?

This is not right...

Annie, this is for all those post of messed up kittens and dead animals. Kisses!

Dolls?

Dolls? I think this is a doll I would not mind my son playing with. I also cannot wait for his mother to look into his eyes as he says, "I kill a communist for fun, but for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice. " That will put a smile on my face no little league homerun ever will. (READ: I do not have a son, that I know of.)

Rochester and The Science World

One, I am not good at science and science related fields. This has very little to do with this post. So, I am in my Science Fiction Literature class this afternoon and the smelly guy who always has something to say and take his notes on a effin' laptop is on his second Coca-Cola with lime of the class when he bust out some (BRACE YOURSELF) LUNCHABLES! He starts making a ham, cheese and cracker sandwich. I cannot hold out and start laughing uncontrollably. The professor, God bless 'em, asks what was so funny. We were talking about H. G. Wells. I explain it before the class. The girl next to me loses it, too. And the smelly guy looks at me kinda funny and pounds on of the cracker sandwiches. I had to excuse myself from class for a minute. I was beat red in the face I was laughing so hard. That sheet is funny I do not care who you are! Then, I check out Utter Wonder and C. Monks had this on there. Easily the funniest past 30 minutes of my life. If I die right now, I would regret nothing.

Missing "Stuck In Rehab with Pat O'Brien"?

Well, don't you fret, because the man is back! Chris Monks has a section on his blog called "Letters to Star Jones". All is right with the world when someone is writing this to Star.

A Stuckey's Pecan Log...

and two 20 oz. bottles of Sunkist Orange, that would be my last meal. Dead Man Eating publishes the last meals of condemned men.Kinda creepy, but kinda interesting. However, I found the funniest thing in the world in the website's store, a pair of thong panties with "Dead Man Eating" written across the front. Someone did not do a lot of thinking about that one.

A Taste of my own medicine

So, I was walking the the library today and a breeze hit me in the front of my shorts, pulling them close to me. Then, as I look up a girl (nothing to write home about) was checking out what the view the wind was giving her. There was no mistaking whither or not was was looking at my shoes. She was staring right at James Westphal and Dr. Phillip Noisewater. Women always talk about how offensive it is when men stare at their dirty pillows. I found it flattering. I also might go home and put on a pair of bicycle shorts just to see who wants a piece.

"Oh boy, Gil is eating food tonight!"

That is a quote from one of my favorite characters on The Simpsons, Gil. Now, becuase I am really lazy here are some more quotes:

• That's it. Drool all you want. You can't hurt that paint job. Now rain water, that'll take right off. Oh man! Why didn't I close the deal?
• (on the phone to wife) Honey, you should seen me with my last customer, I... No, but I came *so* close! I... wait, is that, is that Fred? Awwwww, you said it was over, you... No, don't put him on! Hello? Hi! Fred, how are ya?
• Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like that, er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!
• Old Gil's gonna make something of himself! [Sees the sign "CA$H FOR YOUR EYE$"] Ooh. What do you use for anesthetic? A mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second thoughts.... [Sound of him getting hit, then sounds of eyes popping out.]

Classic.

Super Mario...

So, I am walking to the library like 30 minutes ago and I see a 6'7" black guy riding a motorized scooter. No, not the kind you sit on, the kind you stand on with a lawn mower engine on the back. Oh, but who is it but THE North Carolina State University's star lineman Mario Williams. I think that just about proves that we are by far the lowest of the low when it comes to dishing out the payola. I have see Ilian "F-Bombs" Evtimov riding around in a late 1980's Honda, with a mirrored plate on the front with a "3" on it. Now, when I grew up in Chapel Hill, the ballers all rolled in new SUV's with rims the size of Forest Whitaker's head. GO STATE!

I got it bad and that is so good...

For football has begun anew. Now this weekend did not work out like it should. One, Notre Dame won. I get marginally mad. Two, THE North Carolina State University loses, thanks Marcus. Three, I drank waaaaaaaaayyyy too much. It took me two full days to recover. Four, Miami loses to F*ck State University. So since that is as bad as it could get (READ: Knock on wood) I predict a complete domination by my teams in all realms. Those realms are NCAA, NFL (GO BUCS), and the exotic fantasy realm. Yes, I have three fantasy football teams this year, a personal best. I predict they will win not on their merits of football skills but my distasteful team names:

• Bastard Squad 2005 (Not that good, unless you watch The Young Ones)
• BALCO Bartokomous (My personal favorite)
• (And the most distasteful) The Dennis Red Raders *

I am predicting a sweep. Or at least I will make Matt and his wussy team, Boner Academy, cry. I'll post the results.

Out Fox-ed....

Rupert Murdock is my personal savior. He now has a strangle hold on all but one of my favorite television programs. Did anyone see Jailbreak? That show is like Oz with a lot less shower rapes. Which is a plus or negative depending on how you look at it. Let us take a look at what is on the old VCR (FUCK TiVo):

• Jailbreak (FOX)
• Arrested Develoment (FOX)
• Starved (FX)
• The Simpsons (FOX)
• Family Guy (FOX)
• EastEnders (PBS)
• The OC (FOX)
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

Also, if you haven't seen Starved yet, you need to see it!

Blog Bombed!

So, did anyone see the effin' comment for my last post? How does this happen? How could I stop this? I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. Well, not really, but I am pissed off. I am talking about a world tragedy, and some phucker is trying to sell me furniture. That is just wrong.

Fuck Germany: Part III

So, both AH and Matt got in their respective licks on Germany's response to the Katrina situation. Well, now it is the man with no political knowledge and taste's turn to poke at Germany. Their new paper ran this article. I am assuming the French are too busy trying to figure out how to pick on its homeland's population of Muslims. The Germans were planning on sending over troops, but that was back in 1944. The Spaniards are too busy dealing with the American hippy population on their shores. The Irish are drunk. The Dutch are concerned that all that water will mess up their wooden shoes, and they are stoned. The Portuguese are waiting for someone to come and visit them. The Italians need more razors to shave their women's upper lips. The Czech need more razors to shave their men's backs. The Polish have lost most of their submarines due to a faulty screendoor (I know that was cheap). The Swiss have a neutral stance on human suffering. And, the Swedish have decided the Bikini Team could only help a small percentage of people. Overall, like in all America's times of need, we gotta do it ourselves.

Try new Duff Dry...

Let me preface this by saying I did not watch any of the VMAs last night. I did, however, catch Hillary Duff's pan-face on it though. She looked about as healthy as Lin-Lo did, not very. I want to say she had a glow about her, but she just looked all around greasy. Now, I sweat. But, I am a 200 lbs. man. She is a 87 lbs. girl wearing next to nothing with makeup people to tend to her every glissen. What is going on Hollywood?! Also, Matt, her music has a strong pull to National Socialism. Deal with it, and join my campaign to rid the world of these people!

Radio Killed the Video Star...

As of 9 AM (EST) Friday, Rochester is back on the radio! I cannot wait to make sweet sweet love to all of my dozens of listeners earholes. You can listen to me at you office or home personal computer thanks to this. You can also send request via this Al Gore invention called the internet. So please do. And in honor of my return to the radio I will randomly quote the Ol' Dirty Bastard:

• My beats are slammin from the rugged programming
  My man Bob Marley hey my man I'm Jammin
  You could never touch the stamina, while I'm rammin the
  Hip-hop crowd makes me rrrah rrrah rrrah
  Other MC's got flipped with the ease
  Beggin me for burnt cigar, stop the music please
  No, cause I'm a PRO, rap to the conVO
  Make a crowd say HOE, at a strip SHOW
  Represent, my name is Ason, keep calm
  Rhyme's too smoky, funky like a stink bomb
  Boom! Blowin up niggaz better than pullin the trigger
  So you betta run for covah!
  Niggaz better loosen they ass, felt the glass
  A forty ounce bottle, yo yo yo yo money yo pass!
  Woooh-woooh-woooh! I sweat it live
  MC gonna live God? No, the nigga die
  The max-imum of MC's are populating
  The min-imum of those MC's are dominating
  Now all and together now, to what what who?
  Rhymes come stinky like a girl's poo-poo!
  

Comic Book Guy: Revisited

So, at the beginning of the month, I decided to post something random on this international comic book nerd's blog. I had no idea what language it was, but I was posting in the Lord's language, English. Well, as expected he erased my comment (READ: FASCIST). I revisited his blog today and decoded his savage tongue. It was Portuguese. You know from Portugal, the European country no ever wants to go to. Using BabelFish, I found out what he said in response to my comment. For the record, my comments were about home improvement. His response was:

• It is incredible as still you obtain to arrange time to place a critical one here. Thus it is that it is!
• Or in his crude language: É incrível como ainda consegues arranjar tempo para colocar aqui uma crítica. Assim é qeu©!

In all my infinite jesterful knowledge, I will now use BabelFish to translate Comic Book Guy quotes from The Simpsons in Portuguese, and taunt him a second time. This also bring up an interesting question, "Why does the world hate Americans?"