An Outer View of My Interview...

I had an interview for a job yesterday. I won't say where, but it is not my dream job. My dream job is to be a manager of a company that test to see how drunk you can get on certain beers. A goon can dream, can't he? It is a fairly basic job, so the interview was fairly basic. They gave me a list of questions to answer. One of them was about what my reaction would be to seeing a co-worker using my coffee mug to water the plants. Then, after asking them to use something else, you see them do it again. My answer was that I would just take my coffee mug home. This was probably not the best answer as it pegs me as being passive aggressive, when we all know I am aggressive aggressive. In a perfect world I would've written:

Why the hell would I care that some chick (like a dude would water plants) is using my mug to water plants? It just water. Also, I don't even drink coffee. I chug Mountain Dew to get me going. Now if that bitch touch a can of Mountain Dew to give to those fucking plants, then you best to buh-lieve that it is on like Susan Sarandon!

But, I really need this job, so I just kept my answer and moved on.

Now that is what I call a "Full House"

As I was doing some research on how to properly spell Dave Coulier's name (Don't ask) I came across this picture of Jodie Sweetin. While all the world care about is the Olsen Sister, this girl has been out there battling meth, getting pregnant, getting divorced, and looking ridiculously hot at the opening of something called the "Pink Taco". I am not sure what that is, but it sounds like I want to be apart of it. Keep it up, Jodie.

Search Me

I have been going over a lengthy list of search engine keywords on how people come to Wake County Militia. My biggest hit come from people punching in "panda" with nearly three hits. However, there are some more interesting ones. "Militia sluts" might be my favorite. Just because that guy look for it, I am going to have to do a post on militia sluts. It should be a good 'un.

How ya feelin', Rochester?

iTalk about iTunes...

Here is a fun lil’ one to play with your iTunes with. Go on and organize your iTunes by number of plays. If you are like me (and if you are like me, then I weep for you), then you have never reset your play counter. These ar your top 25. Fuck Billboard! I SAID FUCK BILLBOARD! DO IT! So here is Rochester’s Top 25 with their play counts:

25. Too Young – Phoenix (37 PLAYS)

24. Fat Not Flat – Juan Huevos (38 PLAYS)

23. Huddle Formation – The Go! Team (38 PLAYS)

22. My Dick – Mickey Avalon (39 PLAYS)

21. Patty Lee – Les Savy Fav (39 PLAYS)

20. Mer De Japon – Air (39 PLAYS)

19. Stanley Kubrick – R.A. The Rugged Man (40 PLAYS)

18. What Would Wolves Do? – Les Savy Fav (40 PLAYS)

17. Hong Kong Garden – Siouxsie & The Banshees (42 PLAYS)

16. Look At This Face – Handsome Boy Modeling School (42 PLAYS)

15. Will You Return? – The Avett Bros. (42 PLAYS)

14. Spit Boxers – Thirstin’ Howl III (43 PLAYS)

13. Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (43 PLAYS)

12. Little Eyes – Yo La Tengo (44 PLAYS)

11. Incest – Juan Huevos (44 PLAYS)

10. Someone Great – LCD Soundsystem (46 PLAYS)

9. Martin Scorsese – King Missile (48 PLAYS)

8. The W.A.N.D. – The Flaming Lips (49 PLAYS)

7. Fuck The Pain Away – Peaches (50 PLAYS)

6. The City (EV Remix) – The Dismemberment Plan (51 PLAYS)

5. No Cars Go – The Arcade Fire (51 PLAYS)

4. Dre Day – Dr. Dre (52 PLAYS)

3. Slugs in the Shrubs – Les Savy Fav (57 PLAYS)

2. This Must Be The Place – Talking Heads (58 PLAYS)

1. Nu Autobahn – Future Islands (104 PLAYS)

You know how you are always saying we don’t do things together? Which you know is a lie, because we went to Denny’s like twice last week. That’s something. Well, why don’t you go on and do this? Come on, how hard can it be?

Craigslist? More Like Rochesterlist

So, I am perusing the latest want ad on craigslist today and come across this. I was shocked. I didn't realize I had put his thing up. I mean, I just lost one of my jobs so how could I pay them $400 to pose for my "catalog"? Most of the clothes in this catalog I am sure are cut-off shorts and baby girl track shorts. Also, to emphasize the clothes I am willing to bet that they need to rub salad dressing on there legs, for the clothes, of course.

Our economy is a joke...

There is nothing I love more that all those commercials that make light of the fact that our economy sucks lawn jockeys. Oh, our dollar isn't worth shit. That's for reminding me McDonald's. Gas is so expensive. Ha! Ha! Good one, Crossroads Ford. I mean, it offends me as a smart ass and as an American. Let me try it out on this story. (Ed. Note: If you have a job in the state of Michigan, then it must be as a unicorn. Jesus!)

*cough* *ahem* Well, at least when they go home after be laid off they get rest up in their hot tubs. Thank you. Please remember to tip your waitress and I'll be at Colonel Ha-ha in Akron next week. Good night every body.

Life imitates Art

As some of you might have read, I am not really doing so hot mentally. Things have not really been going my way and I spent a little Rochester time today thinking about things. I decided to rely fictional characters that resemble me in some way, because I do not want any of you in my head. And you probably do not want to be in there either (Ed. Note: There is a lot of porn and a lot of Simpson quotes. After that, it gets kind of scary.) Here is a short list:

1. Daniel Plainview: Now, I don't think I will ever kill a false prophet in my basement bowling alley after making him renounce God. I do kind of a agree with a handful of Plainview's ideas. "There are times when I look at people and see nothing worth liking." That is so true. I like only a truly select few people. And most others just piss me off at how stupid and worthless they are or can be. Also, my own mother thought of me when she saw the movie. Thanksgiving should be fun this year.

2. Cartmen: I don't think I am like Cartmen because we are both fat asses. I think I am like Cartmen because he has a group of friends that you cannot ever really figure out why they are friends with him. I sometimes, for the life of me, wonder why on God's green Earth do some people want to hang out with me. J-Bizz gave me this comparison years ago. Both Cartmen and myself would be classified by our scientific name Homo sapien dickheadis majorae.

3. Charlie Kelly: If you have ever watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then you could totally see how I could relate to Charlie. He is the perennial whipping boy of the crew and yet he always seems to get back up again. He may seem like a loser, but I find his resilience refreshing.

Who else are we missing?

Yup, still down and out in Wake County

When my buddy, Big Series, saw Rudy Ray Moore live in Chicago, Rudy Ray came in through the audience. He handed out roses to all the ladies (Ed. note: SMOOTH) and then he gave a certain number of them pins. On those pins it simple read, "This Pussy Belongs To Me". Big Series's girlfriend was one of the lucky ones to get one of those pins. She wore it with pride. I made a promise to myself that I could only be with a woman who would be able to wear a similar pin with pride and glory. I still hold that belief even to this day. Maybe that might be why I now feel like this:

Worst Week Ever?

This is becoming all too familiar to me at this point. Let's recap:

1. Rudy Ray Moore died.


2. Someone decided to step all over my mind and balls (this is all too familiar as well).


3. I am getting two teeth drilled today.


4. I didn't get a job I thought I was a lock for at Yep Roc.


5. I am getting laid off at my temping job. I just have to find another way to get $500 a month now.

How much fucking longer can I do this shit? Not much. This barely makes me feel any better. "No shit, baby"

Still kind of hurts...

I am going to try and put up a different album cover each day this week to remember Rudy Ray Moore. I found $2o and then $5 on the ground yesterday. It should've lifted my spirits. It did not. It was like this song was playing in my head all f#cking day. I just walked around with my head down, kicking acorns and junk. I was feeling really crappy. Then, Evans2Betsy calls to tell me that her new roommate was a Cambodian war refugee. I had no idea and I had been making all sorts of Pol Pot and Khmer Rogue joke for the better part of a couple of weeks. Needless to say, this has been a tough couple of days for me.

Rudy Ray Moore: A Life Remembered

Rudy Ray Moore died today. And anyone who knows me, knows this is a pretty big blow to me and my life. Just the other day I had the tags on my car renewed. They have something to do with Rudy Ray Moore character of Dolemite. The black lady at the DMV muttered under her breath, "What do you know about about Dolemite?" I made a pretty big scene. Going back and forth with movies and quotes. It made the other DMV worker laugh. I then pointed to my belt, in which is inscribed simply "DOLEMITE". They both just laughed their asses off.

Rudy Ray Moore was first introduced to me and my friends back on my 16th birthday. We had the 1st ever Rudy Ray Moore Film Festival. We watched all of his films in a single night. It changed all of our lives and perspectives on things. It was a hell of a thing to do to a group of upper-middle class white kids in the middle of NC. Every year we tried to meet for my birthday and do it all over again. We had roughly 6 film festivals in all. J-Bizz came to some of them and he spread the word of Rudy Ray to his friends in Athens, GA. Once I was hanging out with one of the aforementioned friends who broke out a, "Bitch, are you for real?" I jump up and gave one of the hardest high five I have ever given. I will miss Rudy Ray Moore and I will miss his franchise as well. I hope he is able to keep the angels in line in heaven. And God, remember he don't wear no cotton draws.

Better Know A Brewer

As the Brewers are now down 0-2 against the Phillies. I thought it might be nice for you to meet a Brewer before he goes back to his horrible life of money, slutty women, and playing catch for a living. Meet Seth McClung:

Hey ya'll I am Seth McClung. Old number 73. My teammates call me 'Set-Up Seth'. I like nicknames. I call Prince Fielder, Prince 'In' Fielder, because he is an infielder. I look exactly like Rochester when he was in shape. But not like 'high school' in shape. But like the kind of in shape that if he would just stop drinking so much and eating Hot Pockets in his boxers while watching 'Kate & Allie' and maybe go for a brisk walk or a nice hike. 'Cause I know I got a bit of a gut, but that just comes with age. Oh well, time to go throw 89 mph and prey my shoulder doesn't explode. I hope Rochester is listening.

Suck it, McClung. (Ed. Note: If you read the wiki on McClung it says, "...his nickname 'Big Red' began to stick on account of his stature and pitching command and velocity. Yeah that makes sense. Not because he is a husky red-head. WHO WRITES THAT CRAP?)

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids...

Once a douchebag...

...always a douchebag. As some of may know, I went to high school with one of the biggest losers. No, I don't mean loser as in "Man, Rochester what's with all the Barbie dolls in their original packaging? You are the biggest loser." (Ed. Note: I can believe a hooker would say such a thing.) I mean, she is a contestant on "The Biggest Loser". Anyhow after pod casting over at Buddy Randolph's, I went to the Crunkleton to watch it with a friend. I did not know that it was going to be an impromptu high school reunion. I stayed in the back and tried to fly under the radar, but this did not work. Can't a giant red-head with a beard hide anymore? This guy, let's call him Josh V. No, that doesn't work. Let's call him J. VanDerPuy. No, that's too vague. Josh VanDerPuy was the dude's name. I was not friends, associate, or acquaintances with this dude. Last time we even spoke to each other was when he kicked my in the back of my calf for not reason during soccer practice in the 4th grade. I don't hold grudge though, because I don't even remember that little shit who stole my green Voltron action figure in the 2nd grade. YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER, MOTHER FUCKER!

Any who, Josh is handing out superfluous high five and comes to me. I try to leave him hanging, but my momma didn't raise me like that. Here is the chit-chat:

• JOSH: You live here?
• ROCHESTER: No, I live in Raleigh.
• JOSH: Same thing.
• ROCHESTER: (fire fills eyes) What did you say?
• JOSH: It's the same thing. Just like here and Asheville.
• ROCHESTER: Start running.

Okay so the last part didn't happen, but the other parts are true. What in the world is this shovelfuck talking about? Raleigh is the same as Chapel Hill? Or Asheville? Okay, so it might be a little similar to Asheville, but not the great City of Oaks. I had nothing but murderous rage in my heart when I heard such a statement. I really hope it is another 20 years until we talk again, VanDerPuy. And we wonder why I hate the Dutch.

Are you there, God? It's me. Rochester.

First NC State beats ECU in dramatic fashion, then this happens. Looks like someone decided to put our differences behind us and start looking towards a better life. A better life hopefully with out DJ AM and Travis Barker. Thanks, Big Guy.

PS Sorry about the other four though.

Please, just go already...

I was a-working last night and some old woman came in and axed if she could use our bathroom. I grunted and pointed her the way to the bathroom and she said, "Thanks, you are saving my life."

This might be the last thing in the world I want to here when I let a someone use the bathroom. Bitch, just use it and go. The only thing I can think of worse than that would be if she said, "I don't know what it is about public restrooms that make me so f*cking horny." Douche chills!

Hey, girl. Ya hungry?

So that's over...

I really don't give two hot pockets about the Democrapic National Convention. The media talks about how it changed everyone perspective on Barry Obama and energized the party. This is total malarkey. Everyone knows who they are going to vote for by now and nothing from here until November 8th is going to change that. Nothing. Hillary's girls are not going to vote for McCain. And there is no such thing as an independent voter. An independent voter is just someone who doesn't like hearing all this hockey about how each candidate is worse than the other. With that being said, I want to pick on Michelle Obama's appearances and add no political commentary. In other words, I wanna be a bitch.

• Girl, tease that hair up all you want. You ain't hiding that fivehead (that is bigger than a forehead).
  
• What's wrong with your mouth? Girl, you chewing tobacco? You ain't gotta do that to attract redneck voters.
  
• Leave your little girls back stage. I don't need to see all that sixhead and sevenhead.

Watch out, this Rochester kitten has claws.

God, I miss Firetruck...

Why don't you just leave Michael Chang and come back to Rochester. You know what they say, "Once you go Rochester, then you should probably see a doctor. And not just a medical doctor, a psychiatrist is probably in order for you, too." It sound much more lyrical in its original Albanian.

I hate sports...

I figured since I did a lengthy post about how awesome I thought my rotisserie baseball draft went, that I might as well do a follow up on it. This is the trophy I am fighting for every year. I designed it, so let's call it the Rochester Cup. Believe it or not, my team is solidly in third...from the bottom. I should've just paid a hooker $60 to kick me in the balls (and I have). I would've gotten the same results. Let's recap my draft again:

1. Luis Castillo ($6): He is hitting . 261 with 13 SB's and 42 R's. This is not too bad for the price or the position. The problem is he is hold and he gets hurt all the damn time. I had to pick up Ronnie "Re" Belliard to fill the holes that he leaves all the time. I am willing to bet that the clubhouse showers has a rail in it so Luis doesn't slip and break his hip in there. RATING: B-


2. R. Pauilino ($1): Not enough AB's and didn't do much with them when he had them. Kind of like me with my looks. I dropped him for Jason Kendal and then I dropped him for Kelly Shoppach. I wish Misty May would take my example and drop Matt Treanor for me. RATING: F


3. G. Maddux ($11): Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one. 1 out of 4 starts he looks like a stud. It is those 3 other starts that'll get you. However, my league is so deep that I'll take any of the starters I can get. So... RATING: D+


4. R. Sexson ($10): Um, I believe I just said, "Oooooooh LAWD! Don't get me started on this one." He was on pace for 30 HR, I was not wrong with that one, but he was also on pace to hit .190 on the worst team in the AL. Then the Yankees picked him up so now I have a $10 pinch hitter on my team who might hit a HR every other night if Giambi need to wax his mustache in the bottom of the 6th. Yikes! RATING: D-


5. T. Gordon ($10): I needed him at the time. I never expected to keep him past when Lidge came back. He was an answer to a question that no one asked. I just kind of wish I didn't spend that mcuh money on him. I dropped him, so I still kind of have that money for next year now. Not bad. RATING: B-


6. Jack Cust ($15): He is a lot like Sexson. Big on HR's (20) but little on average (.221). He can bash it, but when he slumps...look out! OF's are in short supply in my league. I doubt, that I'll keep him until next year. So, gimme my HR's, but no eye contact, Jack. RATING: C+


7. Lyle Overbay ($4): He has slumped that last month, but was hitting around .280 for a little bit. He isn't hitting for average, but gets a lot of AB's and has a bunch of H's. I saved a bunch of money on him and still stand by my pick. RATING: C


8. David DeJesus ($12): Been playing very well for the upstart Royals OF. He is hitting .290 with the occasional HR. Not bad, but my lineup needs a lot more then that. A good value pick. RATING: B


9. Tony A. Pena ($5): Not really getting the save yet. I guess in my reliever crazy league this may turn out to be a good pick next year. Ho-hum. RATING: C-


10. Rick VandenHurk ($9): Optioned to the minors by Marlins. Dropped from my team. That's what happens when you trust the Dutch. RATING: F

Overall, my rating of the draft was a D+. Better cut some wait and make some better moves for next year.

Panda-monium

As the Beijing Olympics come ever so closer for me to ignore I am dreading the unbelievable coverage of China's national treasure, the Giant Panda. Let me tell you all (by you all I mean Matt and my Mom) this right now, I F*CKING HATE PANDAS! Why? As Clayton Bigsby once said, "How much time you got, brother?"

1. They are black and white. Wow, way to stretch the color scheme, Panda! Was brown a bit to dynamic for you? I hope you get caught up in a penguin gang war for rocking their colors.
2. They are commonly misnomered as a "Panda Bear". Well, you look like a bear, but you lack the killer instinct and propensity to eat flesh. Gay. Which brings me to the next point...
3. All they eat it bamboo. And as my nutritionist told me when I went on that bamboo diet, has little to no nutritional value. So they have to eat a shitload of it to keep up their asses fat and worthless. And so...
4. They are called Giant Pandas, not because they are the largest pandas like Blue Whales or something, but because they are fat. They should be a guest on the Ricky Lake Show. You want to no what they are the largest of? RACCOONS! Your know, those garbage eating assholes we hit with cars and rednecks eat in swamps.
5. In Fight Club, the Narrator says "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species." It is so damn true. They are the only animal in the world that doesn't feel like getting all up in each other. I watched a special on pandas and found out the females are in heat for like 3 days a year. And if no other panda finds them or no male gets her going, then they don't breed. Nice one, God. This and the human digestive tract are two of the biggest arguments against intelligent design out there. The only thing that would make the panda less of a evolutionary nightmare is if it was sexually attracted to fire or if they all had the fetishes from Crash. They have huge facilities just to artificially inseminate these black and white f#ckshovels. So...
6. And the Chinese are leasing these black and white shovelf*cks to us. Oh, thanks a lot, Mao! What a gift? Here take some of our homeless panhandlers in exchange. They do pretty much that same thing that your pandas do, but our at least will give you a long nonsense story when they take you money. "Aw Bossman! (side note: are panhandlers the only people who call you bossman?) Look my friend left me at the bus station because he was gettin' into it with his baby mama and now I gots to ride this electric unicycle back to Monroe and I ain't got enough money for a safety helmet. Can you help me out?" Pandas just take your zoo fee, crawl into a corner and hide in a ball. AY! CLOWN SHOES! LOOK AT ME! I PAID $25! DO SOMETHING!
   
7. Because the Chinese own all of them (side note: they have to have some of our animals in their zoo, right?) they always have dumb ass names, like Ling-Ling or General Tso (I wish). I think, if the panda is born in America, then it is American. That is the law. I want one American panda named Steve Bennett. Just one!
8. Why are we trying to save these things? Because they are on the WWF stickers? It is not like they are bees or anything. There are not even they big of deal in the food chain. It is not as bad as when we killed off all the wolves in America. Deers went all buck wild crazy. If there are no more pandas all they happens is they stop making these kinds of movies.

In closing, pandas can suck it. Suck it long and suck it hard, pandas.

Older and Bolder...

Okay, so I have a new ambition of trying to put up a top five list at least once a week. It may not seem all that bold, but when you look at the number of posts I am banging out, it just might. So, here is my top five older and bolder ladies. They are older 40 and still banging. Here we go:

5. Stacy Dash: She is on "Celebrity Circus" doing just crazy stunts! She also get gets bonus points for being in Clueless. However she gets negative points for having a teen aged son. I don't want to risk getting my ass kicked (and I would, too) to take a run at her.

4. Diane Lane: She just gets better with age and she has a higher chance of taking her clothes off now. What a delightful combination.

3. Joely Richardson: Admittedly she can be hit or miss. However, she is really hot on Nip/Tuck and that is what I see her on the most. Bonus for kissing a chick. I hope to do that one day.

2. Kelly Rowan: She is a total Matt pick, but whatevs. She was one of the sole reasons I watched "The O.C." for as long as I did. F#ck that exoskeleton Misha Barton (side note: How does a stick figure girls have a backside like this? That does not make sense!)

1. Jennifer Tilly: I heard this and I nearly plottzed. She'll be 50 in September. WHA! She'll be 50 and she already looks 10 years young that I do. Sure she doesn't pickle herself in Miller High Life and Bulleit Whiskey, but still. Also she and Gina Gershon in Bound made be want to piss off a mobster and take his money. Instead I just stole some quarters from my dad's piggy bank and hoped for the best.

So what's your top 5?

Thank You, Satan!

Oh thank you, Dark Lord! This is truly one of your greatest gifts. I would have gone to the Big Guy upstairs but he is waaaaay too busy killing off people who actually contribute something to the world. I know people always say be careful what you wish for, but this time I can see no flaw. No more Billy Packer. No more watching games and screaming at the TV, "Shut it, Packer!" There is no possible way this could backfire. It is nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

"Ya'll betta ax someboday!"

Dammit!

"Remember Me?"

Hi, I am Jordana Brewster. I am really hot and I haven't been in anything in over two years. Sounds like Rochester, at least the not being in anything in two years part. Ha Ha! LOLers! It is not because I am picky. I mean, I was in some of the worst movies made the millennium. The Fast and The Furious? Annapolis? Yup, that was me. And according to imdb.com, I am penciled to do the fourth installment of the The Fast and The Furious. I think they should call it The Fast and The Furious: 4 Some Reason. See that, I am clever, too. Well, just letting all of you normal folk, or as we call you in the Beautiful People's Club, Uggies, know that sexy people make mistakes, too. I am sure you could make a long list of them. Now I am off to SkyBar to ignore Matt Dillon. Why is he still there?

Like a dog with a bone...

So, I had a little problem of trying to think of a joke for a punchline. I think most comedians have the problem the other way a round. Not that I think I am a comedian. I am just an asshole who thinks he is funny. And we all know that is waaaaaaay better. So Funny McJokerstein thought it would be good if I could make up the joke but make sure it includes Nazis. Mel Brooks always said there is nothing funnier than Nazis. So here we go:

So Himmler and Gobbels are in the bunker towards then end of the second World War. And because one they were bored, two they were kind of gay, three they were cold, and four they were hungry, they were playing a rousing game of ookie cookie. Hitler walked into the bunker and saw what was a-going on and decided to join in. At which point Himmler looked around and said, "Hey, this circle jerk is turning into a total sausage fest."

ZING! That works! Special thanks to Salvador Dali on this one.

Like a dog without a bone...

I was just thinking of this on Friday and I couldn't stop laughing. It is a punchline to a joke or a skit, but I can't really make up one around it. I am sure everyone goes through this from time to time. I am just going to give it to you and maybe you can think up the scenario. Kewl? Kewl.

"This circle jerk has turned into a total suasage fest."

It is gross, I know, but you know it is kind of funny.

"My lawyahs is talkin' to day lawyahs"

Huh? I think if I made a drinking game up with every time the "Evil Pimp" (side note: That's rather redundant. Isn't smacking women and keeping them in sexual slavery evil enough?) says, "Ya know what I am saying?" you take a shot, then you'd be snickerface in the first 30 seconds of the video.

Is that your Christain name?

I was watching "Cops" this afternoon and they were filming in Jersey City. It was so far away from being as good as it could've been. However, there was an Italian cop who had the best name ever! What was it? I got to go all artsy for this one:

Arsenio Ferrari

Awesome.

VH-YES!

I was over at With Leather today and saw this post. I was not blown away by the video. Why? Because I own that on VHS. It is pretty damn awesome though. The beginning has a claymation version of Red spinning a basketball on his hand. I guess, Pixar killed the whole claymation concept. Assholes. It also features a segment where Red makes fun of Pistol Pete's excessive use of the crossover dribble. Oh and I still have and use my VHS player. Blue-Ray is for people who drive hybrids or decided to go into debt to watch TV.

Joe Cool

I don't have a real train of thought at any moment in my life. It's like a dog and a cat are fighting in my head most of the time. That's one reason I drink. The drinking stops the fighting and sometimes it might kill a few cats and dogs. So last week when I on vacation, the cat and dog were fighting again. Then, this came out of my mouth, "If I were an eccentric millionaire, I would own a camel." *meow* *meow* *arf* *bark*

Then had all these ideas of living in some random little town in New England and I ride my camel to the town tavern. It seems completely insane, but I did a little research on it. It is totally feasible. Camels are anywhere from $3000 to $5000. Which, if you take into account how much I made last year, might as well be a $1,000,000. But, when I am old and retired from whatever I wind up doing, I am totally doing it. Oh and I am totally going Bactrian. Why? Because Bactrians Camels do it with two humps. SHIT! THAT'S GOING TO BE THE T-SHIRT I WEAR ON MY CAMEL!

'What do you mean, 'You people'?"

YES!

Richard, Richard, Richard.

As I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall a couple weeks ago, I thought "Oh ho ho! I can see Jason Segal's penis. That is very funny." Then, I saw Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the trend of see in male genitalia continues. I guess, penises have stopped being so ugly and become funny all of a sudden. I know that I have had the experience of women laughing when they see mine, so that kind of explains why people were laughing when they saw penises in Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story. That's what I tell myself. Then, I tell myself, "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right." *sigh*

Is there a draft in here?

First off, how weird does Matt Ryan look? Did you notice when he talked his jaw didn't move, but the top part of his head did? Hmmm...


Separated at birth? I think so. Let me copy 3000 and look at how my boys did:

• 1/20: Aqib Talib, CB Kansas: He sounds ethnic and you all know how I feel about that. This was a good pick. I am sick of people saying the Bucs needed a WR. There were no WR who deserved to be picked in the 1st round this year. They were a veritable who's who of 3rd options on a college team. He is big for a CB and without Brain Kelly or Dwight Smith (please come home, Dwight) we need more depth in the secondary. Nice pick.
• 2/58: Dexter Jackson, WR, Appalachain State: I bet J-Mo can't wait to say something to me about this. And I am sure once his fiancee allows him to look at the interweb or the sports section he'll let me have it. Jackson is fast, but he hasn't really played in a system like a John Gruden offense. Just saying one of his plays is like a really shitty tongue twister.
• 3/83: Jeremy Zuttah, OG, Rutgers: I can only hope this guy turns out like any of the offensive linemen we have gotten in the past three year. Ew, but Zuttah? That's a bit ethnic, too. Where are the Smith and Jones when you need them.
• 4/115: Dre Moore, DT, Maryland: I hate this pick. Mainly because I hate all things Maryland. I can't even eat crab cakes anymore. This guy has 4th round disappointment written all over him. He got it done at the same tattoo parlor Merriman goes to. LIGHTS OUT!
• 5/160: Josh Johnson, QB, San Diego: This was kind of a mistake by Gruden. he actually though he was getting a journeyman back-up QB from the San Diego Chargers. He'll have to spend time with the other 6 QB's we have on our roster until he has matured into an old bitter disappointment. I am sure Brain Griese can help him out. Good old fashioned American name though.
• 6/175: Geno Hayes, OLB, Florida State: He is kind of small, but he comes from a great LB system. And playing a year under Chuck Amato only helped him (Wait, did I just type that?). He'll take a couple of season, but I think he is an amazing value pick this late in the draft.
• 7/238: Cory Boyd, RB, South Carolina: Spurrier RB's in the NFL? Well, there is....um....what about? Wait, there was that one guy....no...that's not it. At least this guy has off the field problems. I am sure Michael Pittman can teach him how to hit his with with an SUV or something.

I give Tampa Bay a B-/C+.

Now for the Pack in the draft, and this really shouldn't take long:

• 3/82: DaJuan Morgan, S, Kansas City Chiefs: He is really fast, but not the best of tacklers. He would've benefited staying around another year. I understand why he left, being that Tom O'Brien doesn't have much need for the leftovers of an Amato secondary, but he needed another year. He now gets to renew his old Madden rivalry with Oliver Hoyte and Tank Tyler. I am sure that was on the Chiefs mind when that drafted him.
• 5/114: DeMario Pressley, DT, New Orleans Saints: He is loaded with talent. He had two really acrobatic INTs that past year. However, he has a hard time staying healthy. He will benefit by playing in New Orleans as I find them to have a good core of D-Linemen. Not a bad pick for the 5th round.

I am woman hear me roar.

From this picture, it looks like Danica's crew team was excited about the victory, too.

Decision 2008!

Which one is better?
A. Unicorn humping dolphin?

or

B. "Where's Waldo?" Bhudda?

Like Puff Daddy said, "Vote or Die."

The Dugout

3000 turned me on to "The Dugout" not too long ago and, I may be jumping the gun, but it may be the best thing ever written since the Holy Bible. I am gonna give Nick Dallamora a link and get rid "Celeutaint" the old heave-ho. That dude hasn't posted a pic since November. How hard can it be to put up a see-thru pic of Lindsay Lohan or Tyne Daly getting out of the bath tub covered in tiny sexy bubbles? Enjoy.

On the Aisle with Rochester

So, I rented Babel the other night. It was all right and I really wanted to do a post about it. I sat down with a notepad and started writing notes on it, because my brain, well, she no work so good. I decided that the notes are the best way to show how the movie was for me. Also, there are spoilers in the notes, just so you know:

• Great another movies starting with an Arab buying a gun. Way to be original.
• A Mexican house keeper taking care of some rich dude kids. I am starting to see a crappy trend in the movie.
• A deaf Japanese girl. Shit, how long until Sean Penn playing a retard shows up?
• Oh, the kids are mean to the deaf Japanese girl and SNAP! DID SHE JUST FLASH HER STUUF?! SNAP! SHE DID IT AGAIN!
• Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are having couples problems. You know what would help guys? Cate Blanchett should show her stuff.
  
• I wonder what the Japanese girl is doing when Brad Pitt or that Mexican housekeeper is on screen. Does she think about me?
  
• Oh, look whose back. The deaf Japanese girl. I wonder if she'll YUP! SHE JUST FLASHED IT AGAIN! I am moving to Japan.
  

(Then I fall asleep for an hour.)

• I wake up just in time for the deaf Japanese girl to throwing herself naked at some dude. AMAZING!

I slept through half of it, but with graphic nudity I give it two and half stars out of four.

Hey Rochester!

"How do you feel about Tyler Hand-bag, now?"

Yup, still gay.

Come on, White Jesus...

What is a matter, God? Is this how you get your jollies? The founder of Popeye's Chicken died this week and then God goes all Killy McGee and takes the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, too. With all the totally deserving douche bags in the world, why take these two truly great men? If the founder of T.J. Cinnamon's (Pecan Sticky? WOW!) dies tomorrow, then I am going to seriously look at my religious affiliation.

The King and I

So there seems to be a stink about Lebron James and Gisele's cover for Vogue. 3000 and I have been talking about this for the longest time. WHY DO ATHLETES NOT HAVE P.R. GUYS? There was Portis and his pro-dog fighting last year. Then, there was Micheal Vick's lawyer and his "spring training" comment to the media, which might have been only second to Drew Rosenhausenfeldgoldman's apology on behalf of Terrel Owens. With that being said, how is it possibly that the one of the top athletes in the world can allow this cover to go through and not even think about the ramifications? I think one of the worst things about it is the fact that it is the first time a black man has ever appeared on Vogue and this is what they come up with. Real nice.

I Own You, Luis Castillo.

I had my rotisserie baseball auction this past Sunday. And I think I did fine, but not awesome. This is the 6th year in a keeper based salary cap league. There are 14 teams in it, so players in general are short. The closest I have ever finished to the top was 6th place in the league's third year. My team's name was "Crazy Legs Santo". How deliciously off color! Here is a little recap of my picks. I had 11 positions and $118 to spend. I was in the middle of the pack as far as money was concerned.

1. Luis Castillo ($6): I needed a 2nd baseman and he has been amazing consistent every year. This is actually his third go round on my teams. I got him for about $10 less dollars then I thought he would go for. I was pretty excited. But it was the 1st hour of the auction.
2. R. Pauilino ($1): Not the best catcher available, but extremely cheap. And from what I have read about him he really wants to play better this year. He lost 15 pounds in the off season. Not steroid pounds, just Frankie May pounds. I got a dirt cheap catcher and at this point I am way below what I thought I would have to spend. I have 9 players and $111 to spend.
3. G. Maddux ($11): Yes, he is old. Yes, he doesn't get K's like he used to. However, he gets W's, has a low WHIP, and gets to pitch in PETCO for half of his starts. This is his second stint on the Wake County Militia. I expect him to not suck and just be solid.
4. R. Sexson ($10): I had just lost out in a heated bidding war to get Travis Hafner. I got all the way up to $42 and just could go any higher. I needed a corner infielder and took Sexson based on reports that they are trying to shorten his swing. He should be good for HRs, but I know his average is going to suck. That being said, $10 for a guy who has 30-40 HR potential is pretty good.
5. T. Gordon ($10): My league is crazy for closers. Eric Gagne went for something like $25. Joe Nathan went for $30+. I have Brad Lidge on my team, but he is shaky at best ever since Albert Poo-Holes hit a HR that hit Brad Lidge's car in Tropicana Field's parking lot. Also, Lidge is banged up for the start of the season. This was a no brainier insurance pick.
   
6. Jack Cust ($15): J.D. Drew had just went for $20 dollars. I needed an OF pretty bad, because Alou is hurt for a month and most likely will be hurt again. Jose Guillen is suspended for the first 15 games. The need was crucial. Cust hit 26 HR last year and just turned 28. He is solid, but not outstanding. I like this pick.
   
7. Lyle Overbay ($4): He has been on my team every year. I released him before the draft because He was going to be $30+. He is not worth that much. So, I through him out into the FA field. He hit .240 last year, but was a pretty consistent .300 the three years before that. With Vernon Wells hopefully coming back and with Scott Rolen in that lineup. I expect him to come on back to form. Cheap, too.
8. David DeJesus ($12): It is the 4th hour of the auction and I am getting bored as hell. I needed another OF and at this point DeJesus was the best available. My other backups on my team are Johnny Gomes and Chris Duffy. They are good player who are not guaranteed playing time. I needed a guaranteed player. DeJesus is playing for the Royals this year. I could see them being a nice offensive team and putting an 70 win season up. He should be good for average and the randoms steal.
9. Tony A. Pena ($5): A young closer for the Diamondbacks. I think people were running out of money and just didn't want to risk it for an unproven closer. He throw hard and Arizona is a decent team. I consider this the steal of the draft.
10. Felipe Lopez ($15): The SS pickings were super slim. I lost out on Furcal and the draft was coming to a close. I needed a SS so bad I could taste it. That taste? Felipe Lopez. I thought, "He wasn't as good a Zendon Hamilton, but what the heck." He was an All-Star two years ago until he start playing for Nationals at Sirhan Sirhan Stadium. The new field should help his numbers. I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money. So, out comes the wallet.
11. Rick VandenHurk ($9): A f*cking Dutchman! I needed a back up SP and I was looking at Daniel Cabrera. That should've been a warning to me that 5 hours is too long for a baseball auction. This kid that I was picking on most of the past six season put this name out there for $1. I was bored, tired, and felt like being a dick so I outbid him. I had no idea who he was. I did some research on him and I kind like him. He is a little young, but when you look at someone like Matt you realize that the Dutch age really quickly. You have to use them really quickly, before they expire. Again, I paid a bit much for him, but I had the money.

Five hours later, I go home and give my life a serious look.

What the George Lazenby?

So, Daniel Craig, aka the man who gives hope to all men with bad teeth or the British, is going to marry Satsuki Mitchell. I have no idea who she is, but this photo of her is straight spooky. She gots them crazy eyes. I may not know how to maintain a long term relationship or even talk to a woman without saying "Drop them" at the end of the conversation, but I do know crazy eyes. Daniel, those eyes are crazy. Those are the kinds of eyes you see when at 5 am staring down at you when those eyes are holding a tile saw near your little piggies. I am just warning you, 007.

Ballpoint Sean Penn

I went to the $1.50 theater yesterday to see Into The Wild and now I hate Sean Penn a little bit more. I don't think I needed to spend a $1.50 to do that, but I did anyway. Every film critic has been referring to this as the ill-fated journey of self discovery by Christopher McCandless. Here is a plot write up from imdb.com:

Based on a true story. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters who shape his life.

I don't see where they got athlete from in the movie. Now if they had said "self involved rich douche bag" then I 'd see that. I can only hope more kids start doing this and I don't have to look at as many of these kids riding in SUV's with Sierra Club stickers on the back. Christopher decides to cut himself off from everyone as revenge for his dad beating up on his mom. The best part is he cuts himself off from both his mom and kid sister. Wow, real nice. So to exact revenge on his abusive dad, he drags everyone who cares about him through hell and back. That makes sense. SPOILER! He dies and, much like the three annoying kids in Cloverfield, I was so glad when is happened.

The point that Sean Penn tries to get across, with the subtly of me staring at the thick NC State dance team member's butt at the NC State/FSU game this week, is that we are way too into consumerism. Thanks, Sean. I get it. Now, could you go rescue a someone drowning in a flood and give me my two and a half hours back? No? Okay, fine. But, I am still gonna oggle your wife and wonder what I could've spent my $1.50 on instead of your movie. (P.S. A tall boy of Pabst)

Side note: Zack Galifianakis has a small bit part in the movie. His talents are not at all utilized. However, there is a scene where they introduce you to Wayne, played by Vince Vaughn. The guys are all laughing...hard. I thought, "Why are they faking laughing so hard?" Then, I see Zack G. in the corner. I am 90% certain they were laughing at something he said.

And you call yourself a sports fan...

My co-worker today had no earthly clue who Erin Andrews was. I was stunned. In his defense, he is a NC State and Syracuse fan and she usually only works the big banger games. Neither of theses teams have seen any of those. I also thought Matt might enjoy this as the photo I posted of Brady Anderson has been raping a hole in his eyes. She one in a million girls.

Getting Dirty...

I am doing part of my almost daily and doing a job search on bookjobs.com. I come across an Editorial Assistant position at MacMillian. The job description had this in it:

We are currently seeking an Editorial Assistant to assist adult trade editor responsible for adult trade.

I am wrong to infer that they are looking for someone to help out with erotic literature? Ya'll know I am all about that. I'd be all, "Yo, this is hot," and I'd be getting paid for it. What in the world?

Conversations at the Li-berry

I am not going to just post about my experiences at the Wake County Public Library, but I couldn't resist this. The library should be quiet, but some people don't know how to shut their gobs. This is just a selection of the witty banter I am getting right now:

"Shiquita, what you doing?"
"Looking at books. What you think I'm slipping"
*ring*
"Who this? Tell 'er to call Spanky's mama and them. She know."
"What you got them books for."
"Reading."
"For reals"
"Don't make me get loud at this li-berry."

I can't make this stuff up.

Li-berry

Help me unwrap my head on this one. I was at the public library and printing out a resume. I go to the upstairs help desk and tell the woman that I printed off a resume downstairs and I was wondering if she had it. This is her response:

"What do you mean 'downstairs'?"

My brain caught on fire, I passed out for a minute and I just kind of stared at her. How do I reply to such a statement? If I was a robot, then I would've broken all of Isaac Asimov's laws and gone buck wyle on that lady. Why did this effect me so? It wasn't as if she said, "What?" or "Huh?" She heard me. The words registered in her head and she couldn't grasp the fact that she was a good building story above the earth. What in the Sam Houston State is wrong with this woman? PLEASE TELL ME!