Fire! Fire! Put it out!

So, I get a message from a buddy of mine today saying that THE North Carolina State University should fire Herb Sendek and hire Bob Higgins. WHAT?! I could not believe my eyes. Bob "0% Graduation" Huggins. Bob "I Threw Up In My Car I Was So Bombed While Driving" Huggins. Bob "I Punched A Police Horse" Huggins. I liked the image he had while he was coaching at Cincinnati. He was a thug coach, coaching thug players. Danny Forston. Kenyon Martin. Nick Van Exel. Corie Blount. But, that was C-USA. C-USA was, and still is, a joke of a conference, made up of schools named after shitty cites (say that 10x fast), that do not compete year in and year out. And the raid by the Big East did it no favor. He could get away with that crap because the conference in a whole did not care. Now, my buddy thinks we should fire Herb and hire Huggins. Why you ask? Because two top 15 recruits said they would play wherever Huggins lands. Great! Then, I read that the two recruits are wing players. Now, I don't know if you watch NC State basketball at all this year (I know you didn't), but wing players on that team are a dime a baker's dozen (READ: Courtney Fells, Gavin Grant, Brandon Costner, and two more kids next year). Yeah, that is the answer to all of NC State problem (READ: biting sarcasm).

That always seems to be the quick fix answer to all of NC State fans' problems. Fire 'em. Amato? Fire 'em. Now Herb. However, you have to look at it from a more wise and economic persecuting. One, you fire a guy who has 4 years left on his current contract, then you have to pay him for another 4 years. This is not like fire the slow kid at the take-out window at Arby's. You still have to pay him after he is gone. On top of that you have to pay his replacement as well. In the ACC, that is a minimum of $80K. So, what you wind up with is an inexperienced coach while you pay for your old coach to drink himself out of depression (and that never works). Or you get a big wig coach and you have to pay him big bucks, while still paying your old coach for 4 years. My other qualm with firing as a final solution to the not winning national championship question is your new coach is not going to get what he wants the old players to do. It takes 3-4 years to get a team like he wants it. It is asinine to expect a massive turn around in one year. Carolina being the exception from last year, but in my defense I think anyone could've won a national title with four 1st round NBA picks, even Doherty. Don't sleep on FAU either, foos!

Duck Season, Rabbit Season...

Deer season, and now wedding season. So, in the next month I have two of my first friends in NC getting married. One is fixing to be a country club, awkward meetings of old high school friends kind of a wedding. The other, J-Biz's, will be a off to the magistrate kind of a wedding. However, despite their shortcomings, I will be doing this to someone. And, I'll be doing it a lot! So girls, watch your mothers and aunts, because I am going have Freaknik 2006 all up and on the dance floor.

Full Court Press

I did this in traffic court one time and I totally got a "Pray For Judgement". Hey, since it is NCAA Pool (aka "I-don't-gamble-on-college-sports-but-I-do-throw-$20-away-on-the-NCAA-Tourney-Pool-ever- year") Time, what's the over/under on Saddam will go all "Slobodan" and get the "wrong pills"?

So Long, Farewell...

Auf Wiedersehen, Brokeback Hippy. I wish thing could've been different. I mean, I barely even hung out with you. And your wife barely rubbed my thigh, uncomfortably, when we did hang out. So, just as an update, like Kotter, Annie, welcome back. Also, I put up a friend of a friend of mine's blog, San Greenspan. He puts the dot com in samgreenspan.com, or something. It ain't much but it is something. And that is much more than you can about Brokeback Hippy. I hope you can get that pickle out of your ass and come back some day.

Please don't go girl...

I miss B! I don't know what happened, but I miss my snarky lil' man in the sphere. If you are out there, please come home. Oh also, for all you fools who voted, P.O.T.Y. goes to TWO. It wasn't even close.

Love in the Key of Me

Today marks a full year of Wake County Militia on the web. In celebration of me being all up in this shit I decided to look back at the year that was. I am giving a handful of my favorite posts and you can vote on which one you like the best. That will win the prestigious Post of the Year!

• ONE
• TWO
• THREE
• FOUR
• FIVE

So vote away!

I lied...

...here is a little self promotion. March 6th, clear it!

A Blog Break...

I know I am about as dependable as Annie when it comes to blogging, but this time I am giving you all a heads up. I need to take sometime away from the 'sphere. I'll be back, but I don't think it'll be anytime within a week. Just givin' the crew a heads up.

G's down Hoes up?

Walking to class this afternoon I saw the coolest thing. Two white chicks in a Nissan Altima dumping out the middle of a blunt to put in some green. They didn't even look like homegirls, but they were blasting "Milkshake" andhad the windows rolled down. I pointed at the girls and she tossed up a peace sign as they drove off. Best moment of my life.

A New Hot Spot...

...and I am not talking about the one in Truck's pants. I went to "Underground" last night after Duke stumbled over Carowhina. It is situated under "Charlie Goodnights" and next to Central Prison. AWESOME LOCATION! But here is what rules about it:

• $4 Pithcer of PBR for Beer Pong!
  
• $1 domestice bottles!
• More ladies there than dudes!

So, Sorry Morrie. I am spending my Tuesday there.

C. Monks....

...has stil go it.

Fire in the Disco!

...these people go 0 to riot in 2.5 seconds. I am not scared, I am just impressed. I tried to organize an unruly mob after a questionable Marmaduke strip. I could only get like three dudes, and one of them really wasn't into it. He was just there because the other dude was his ride. Sucked.

Sweetin my Coffee

So I am sure most people have heard this by now. I am kind of uspet. While your everyday television pedophiles (i.e. Matt) were all up on Mary-Kate and Ashley, I was the one who was convince that Jodie would turn out to be the hottest. I think, I was right.

• Since kicking her addiction, Sweetin says she now hopes to get back into acting.
  "I want to make movies, TV series, wherever the career takes me," she said. "I really hope this isn't the last people hear of me. In fact, I would like to make this a footnote in my career, not the end."

I am willing to bet softcore porn is in her future. Does any one remember Dana Plato? She wound up in a movie called Different Strokes. Believe it or not, I saw it. And it was pretty raunchy, too. I really don't want to think about poor Jodie Sweetin in a movie called Full House. That could be real nasty. Oh, wait! Yes, I do!

Did someone say hump day?

Pronounced with an ump day!

Never Play a Player

Annie, I originally delinked you because you left that damn one-eyed cat picture up for over tow weeks. I asked you in person to either post something else or get it off. You said, "I am was just waiting for you to freak out over it. I'll take care of it now." A week passed, and still cycloptic cat stared me in the face when I went to see if you had a new post. I figure your blog for dead, and when I take things like this into account. I was sure it was dead. Oh but linking me to a gay blog is soooooo offensive. I guess you win. I should have watched my back.

UPDATE:
Hal Turner is no longer speaking for Annie.

UPDATE II:
Upon further investigation, I have discovered that I have not been properly linked from "The Steel". So until further notice, "The Steel" will be something I like. She like cats. I like big ugly dogs. BOOYAHKA!

Poker, I hardly know 'er

So there was a poker night this Saturday at AH's and the crafty old coot known as Rochester could not make it. Why? Because I went to a gun range for the first time! J-Biz came along with me, it was his first, too. It was awesome! I shot a Glock 9mm and .40, and a Taurus .38 Special. Much like sex was for the ladies, I was a little scared and it hurt the first time I shot the gun. But, just like sex is for the ladies, I couldn't get enough off it, and want to do it all day long! They had a handful of targets for the modern shooter. I took the one of a mustachioed dude in a knitcap, who was holding a lady hostage. When I got my aim on him. I yelled, "Let the bitch go, dirtbag!" Luckily, all everyone had on pretty good ear protection and I was the only one who heard. I pepper the scumbag's face and throat with numerous rounds. Two shots kind of got away from me, but the lady was fine. I think it only would have messed up her "Farrah hair". The more traditional target it this. What the hell is so menacing about this one? When shooting it I was thinking, "Sir! Sir! Please stand in a more masculine way or I will be forced to kill you." I just didn't get it. Also, all of you need to start saving up you dollars because Rochester is coming next time.

The Over-Under on the Over-Under

Firetruck and Creepy Serial Killer are going on the town tonight. And if you are like me you love gambling. On ANYTHING! I once bet on a youth soccer game. I have one of those personalities. Well, here are the odds of the goings on in tonight's date:

• Creepy Serial Killer scores - 1,000,000:1
• Creepy Serial Killer tells his mama that he did - 1:3
• Creepy Serial Killer starts the date with a high five - 2:3
• Creepy Serial Killer gets drunk - 25:1
• AH drops from the rafters of the restaurant when his split leg gives out, because he is too fat to do shit from "Splinter Cell" - 45:1
• Firetruck end the date because Creepy Serial Killer refuses to let her win at darts - 1:100
• The dude who gets darts thrown at his hand show up at the restaurant and begs Truck to stab his hand with a fork - 200:1
• Creepy Serial Killer accidentally brushes the back of his hand against Truck's massive cans, but tells all his buddies (aka his mama) that he got to second base - 19:1
• Rochester stays home and cries at "Remember the Titans" while drinking a warm 18-pack of Natural Light - 4:5
• Creepy Serial Killer goes to get money during the date and the phrase "Kiss Big Daddy's rings 'fore I have to get my brand new Gucci loafers up yo' ass" is uttered - 20:1
• Instead of flowers and candy, Creepy Serial Killer shows up with a 6 month-old copy of "Bear" magazine and a cheese danish in a hankercheif - 49:2
• Truck tells Creepy Serial Killer about her unnatural relationship with three men in the blog-o-sphere and Creepy Serial Killer responds with "Kink-kay!" - 54:3
• Creepy Serial Killer takes Truck to Lake Gaston to look at his 24-foot Grady-White, to which Truck responds "This is not the kind of motorboat I was looking for" - 39:2
• At some point in the evening Creepy Serial Killer will ask Truck, "Who wants a 5-o'clock shadow ride?" - 2:1
• Creepy Serial Killer picks Truck up in a Chevy Van - 3:1
• Creepy Serial Killer will reminisce about that kick ass Chevy Van he had in high school - 2:3
• Creepy Serial Killer was in high school in 1978 - Even
• The date ends with a kisses - 400:1
• The date ends with Creepy Serial Killer looking down in Truck saying "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose, again. It does this whenever its told." - 1:250

What else am I missing?

Clever...

...I compare this guy to Nagin and Lauch Faircloth. I wonder if I could run for a government position in Palestine? I know I could get votes with the whole "Hating Israel" crowd, but I think I'd lose votes from the whole "Blowing Themselves Up" set. Also, do you think Hillary would run over there if she could? Vince Foster would have wanted her to.

Matt...

...I guess that last post was kind of for Annie. And since you two are a couple now, I better post up some shit for you. Here! You big ol' homophobe!

Mark Ass Tricks...

....Trick Ass Marks! Kitty's best to raise up!

Quick Friday Night Notes:

1. Wife (AH!'s wife) is a lot of fun.
   
2. I do not know why I didn't notice this the first time we met. Maybe it was because she was sittin' with her chest against the bar (as usual), but Firetruck got some big ol' boobies. I bet there is a "motorboat" somewhere in their future, too. And I doubt it will be from the 40 year-old darts aficionado, who was all up on her.
3. Annie is awesome because she bought my first rounds of beers.

Ironic...

I noticed this one in class today; it is rather difficult to pronounce the word "effortlessly". It is a fact.

Finally...

A race where both AH! and I have a chance? I think someone has finally answered my dilemma of donuts and running. My prediction: Rochester 48:39. AH!? You up for it? MB? Annie? Truck? I'll be there.

Weak-end...

I love watching football. The only thing that makes watching football better is watching football and drinking beer. The only thing better than watching football while drinking beer is watching football while drinking beer and eating. That being said I both love and hate the playoffs. I love them because it is football played at the highest level, unless you are the Bears, who gave up almost as much offense in one game than what they gave up all year. I hate the playoffs because it symbolizes the end of professional football. I am gonna misses you, NFL. Also, mega-apologies to MB. He got a little mouthy about my Bucs and we got into a little war of words. I knew he and I didn't mean all those things we said. It was just the Bagel Bites talking. You wanna know what we said? Do you AH!? Well, maybe you ought to stick around and watch the whole game next time. Instead of leaving a almost completely full tall boy of Coors and running home to your lady.

Sluts...

...I always knew they'd do it. They can't get enough of it. I bet they wanted it so bad they were begging for it. Oh yeah, take it all, you Korean skank. What's that you say? You mean this article is really about cattle beef? Oh boy, my bad. But seriously, what kind of title is that for an article? I have read less suggestive titles in Hustler.

Set You Radio to "Stunning"

Rochester is back on the radio! Every Friday from 9am-11am, a little time slot I call the "Magic Hours". Tune in!

Rochester: Always on Sale in the Market

So, Truck finally cut herself loose from all that dead weight. Well, I know that Truck and I and my various internet alter egos have had out run-ins, but I think we are both adult enough to put that all behind us and look to what could be a lovely future. I drop it on you all E-Fucking-Harmony style:

1. My name is not synonymous with "Moons over My Hammy"
2. I do not smoke and never even once have I smoked a cigarette. You can lean on me for that one. I am just that strong.
3. I don't drink champagne, but I do drink the "Champagne of Beers".
4. If we combine our names like Tom-Kat or Bennifer, then it sounds like a small town in Pennsylvania. Fire-Chester. I like it. OOOOH, or Rock-Truck! WHAT!
5. I have most of my original teeth. I lost two wisdom teeth and I have one crown, but it looks kind of gold, so that's kinda cool. Right?
6. I have an awesome collection of Bible-oriented comic books.
7. I have a full head of hair and weigh less that 1/8th of a ton. I weigh 1/10th of a ton.
8. I can convert my weight into stone. I am 14 stones.
9. I don't need my ego stroked. I've been doing that by myself since I was 12.
10. My turn-ons include long walks on the beach, salmon-colored roses, sea winds, speed buggy racing, deep fried anything and naked women.
11. My turn-offs include baby blue anything, war, the Gummy Nerd Rope, and Fresca.

The weekend is here, Truck. Whatcha wanna do?

Fuck Sports

I kept asking myself all weekend long, "Why do you do this to yourself?" I knew by 8:00 pm EST Saturday that the Carolina Panthers were going to win on Sunday. State lost to Carolina. Tampa Bay lost to the Rednecks. My teams have kind of an all or nothing way about them. They either all win at once or all lose at once. So, since I knew the Panthers were going to win on Sunday, I was keeping a spare eye on the Wuss-consin and MSU basketball game. And then it hit me, does anyone else think that Kammron Taylor looks exactly like Chris Rock? I mean, m aybe not as much as how Steve Nash looks like Jackie Earle Haley? Or as bad as Andrew Bynum and Florida Evans from "Good Times"? But close none the less.

Late Ass Christmas Party

So, Tons-a-Fun (aka Tonsy, aka Hunny Bun, aka Fat Jesus) calls me last night asking about some tunes to play for his office "holiday" party coming up. I know he lives in a diffenrnt time zome, but I never knew it was two weeks behind the rest of the fucking world! What holiday are they partying for now? Do Jehovah's Witnesses run your company? Was you Christmas bonus a subscrption to The Watchtower? Anyhow, I told him I'd post some ideas I have for his party. Please add to my tiny list for the sake of Tons-a-Fun and his co-workers:

• "Candy Rain" by Soul for Real
• "You Remind me of My Jeep", "I'm Fucking You Tonight", or "Feelin' on Yo' Booty" all by the greatest R&B singer of the millenium, R. Kelly.
  
• the Chicken Dance song
• "Boyz-in-the-Hood" by Dynamite Hack
• "House Me Teenage Rave" by Green Jelly
• "Slide It In" by White Snake
• "Fight the Power" by the Isley Brothers
• "Hey Ladies" by the Beasties Boys
• the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero"
• and when all else fails you can play this!
  

Remember this season...

Just try to think about those less fortunate than you this season. People like me. I don't have much. But I do have my family. And, I do have my friends. I have a midget friend, an albino friend and a friend who thinks Star Trek is real. When we go out on the town people call us "The Unfuckables". However, I think this guy has a spot in our clique.

Modern Era...

Mike Ditka couldn't win a game in the Modern Era is his life depended on it. Also, did anyone see the Bears game this weekend? They let a 36-year old fatass asthmatic run all over like a German over a Frenchman. How do bears suck that hard with all sharp teeth? Hmm, could this be why the Bears suck?

Tookie Monster

Am I the only person that thinks that Tookie looks like Ashford? I guess that should be looked like Ashford.

Sorry Mom!

So, Angry Fatty dropped this lil' gem about Brokeback Mountain. I am GLAAD (get it) he told me what that movies was really about. I thought for a minute when he was talkin' about a movies with the term "brokeback" in it, it was from his days of working in gay porn. Maybe I am a bit dumb, because I also, thought The Bear was another of B!'s earlier films.

Going all Rawls dog on a bitch...

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through
Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

You're gonna, You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gon
I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

The AIDS

Today is world's AIDS Day. I don't know what that means. I guess, we are all supposed to get AIDS today or something. I also like "AIDS Awareness Day". WTF is that supposed to mean? I am aware that AIDS be out there. Do I need to dedicate a whole day to that? Should I sit around my apartment and think "AIDS is out there" and deny myself food, water and toilet because they will cause me to depart from my being aware of AIDS? Well, while Bono and all the non-third world nation celebrate AIDS, I present this lil' nugget. Look at it. Now, if you are not laughing, then the government might want to impose "FUN Awareness Day".

Thanks for Nothing:

Thing I am thankful for:

• Miller High Life
• A bottle of George Dickel is still under $10
• Homeless people who have dogs
• the fact I will never own a cat, so I don't have to worry about them suffocating me in my sleep.
• Finally sneaking onto the Dean's List at age 26.
• White girls with black girls' asses (Whuddup, Truck)
• Carolina sucking through an entire basketball season
• The weather getting cold enough to make muther fuckers take off the flip-flops and put on some sneakers
• My (2-9-1) flag football team, BALCO Bartokomous.
• the fact I am gonna burn Tonsafun for at least three scores on the day after Thanksgiving flag football game.
• THE North Carolina State University football team underachieving, again.
• Tampa Bay Bucs being tied for 1st in the NFC South
• The safety in football
• Kelly Monaco
• My maroon adidas track pants
  
• Annie posting that picture of Matt riding a horse. I still laugh at that.
• Truck's boo's muscle
• The police report from when Truck gave her boo a black eye for not mixing her drink right when she came home from work. Who doesn't know the "Truck Special"? Champange and Ovaltine.
• Mine and AH!'s on going struggle with acceptance of our bodies.
  
• AH! is fatter than me.
  

Heisman Trophy Wife?

You wanna see what kind of ladies a Heisman Trophy winner is hitting? This is Matt Leinart's girl at USC. I wonder if after the sexing is done he throws up the Heisman pose. I also wonder if he has a bad sexing performance if he spends hours after hour watching film from his poor performance.

Postin' Up

My sweet Lord and savior Jesus, who will smight all my enemies and crush the international Zionist and Islamic movement, has it been a week since I last posted? Wow, time flies when you are typing 30 pages of projects and papers. I had totally forgotten how much school sucked when you take 15 hours and the professors are trying not to look like pushover and decide to dump bullshit on you and tell you it is chocolate. However, this time Thursday I will be flying to America's Wang, aka Florida, to go to the second happiest place on earth, Disneyworld. The first is Teaser's Palace over in Durham. And with all that excitement, I can tell you right now that this story did not pass me by. What the hell is wrong with bitches now a days? They be fingerbanging each other in bathroom stalls. And hot older women, who should be settling for underachieving redheads, are hooking up with 15 year olds! This is so wrong. So, if you get a chance to get into a fight with a 14 or 15 year old puck ass, DO IT! And when the police arrest you, just tell 'em he was skirting in on your squirrel!

Down with America!

So did anyone remember to vote? Neither did I. I mean, how many of these Goddamn elections are there? I wish we lived in Belarus so I wouldn't have to worry about this crap like every two years or something. I guess that is like thew one good thing about being under totalitarian rule.

Kickers?

If someone would've told me that a kicker would be making more than LaVar and Warren, combined. I would've jack-slapped them into the stone-age. But, it is true. LOOK!

Japanese people and J-Biz

One of J-Biz's other nicknames is The Polar Bear, because his hair is clear and he loves to fuck with Japanese people. Don't believe me? Check this good shit out.

Mis-labeled...

I think if anyone were looking for something else, they would be greatly disappointed by this site. Matt, I am just warning you.

Something for 3000

It is a well known fact that recent neuter, 3000, loves nothing more than to sit on his futon with his main woman and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos". I am more partial to "America's Home Snuff Videos", but that is just me. So, here is a lil' something for 3000.

WILMAAAAA!

I am sorry, Florida. But thanks in large part to Katrina and Rita, Wilma wudn't shit. They said the death toll is up to 10. I think 10 people would've died in Florida in one day anyhow. What is the median age down there? 79? No power for as much as 2 weeks? Wow, I wonder how the people who don't have any houses to run power to in Gulfport feel about that? So, be American, Florida, hike up you socks, light a candle and watch your high school football games in the afternoon, you ain't got it that bad.

Non-sex Toys

Remember when toys were actually fun?

So Wrong, Yet So Right

So, I was on Utter Wonder the other day and checking out his new Doodleday cartoon. Let me preface this with this, me and C. Monks do not have the same political ideology. We both just share a love of Star Jones. So, I was kind of just nodding my head in a very "sure-thing -sweetheart-my-body-my-choice" kind of fashion. Then, I get down to the comments. They are all similar to one another except for one. Did you spot it? Yeah, that's the one. I laughed at first and then looked around thinking, "Whoa, that was a bit offsides." I half-hoped it would be someone who hit his blog via mine (aka my loyal radio audience or daily blogging friends). And I wholely pray that it was not my Dad, doing his Pro-Life thang. You wanna know what I wanted to post until that dude (or dudette) ruined it for me?

• "I wanted an American Girls doll, too. But, my mommy had my brains sucked out with a vacuum cleaner, because she didn't wanna make her man wear a rubber. I never learned, is that the definition of 'IRONY'" ----->Baby Girl

That is offsides, too. However, at least it protect a woman's right to choose.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

I read this, and then I read my special imaginary newspaper, in my head. In it Rummy was quotes as saying, "I cannot understand a word these dudes are saying. And when I tried to tell them that they looked at me like I was speaking Chinese or something."

Did anyone know this?

Keira Knightley got down in The Jacket and a Brit remake of Dr. Zhivago. Not only that, she showed her dirty pillows in The Hole. Why am I just finding out about this? Why didn't she e-mail me when she did this? This is just like when Jonathan Taylor Thomas left Home Improvement and didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and tell me why. I mean, yes it might be a little weird that a 26 year old man is the founder of the JTT (that''s what real fans call him) Fan Club, but I made the effort of sending him the pictures of our retreat to the Hillsbrough Hog Days. Some of these Hollywood types need to recognize who is make them the hot shit that they are. On a side note, did anyone a short film called Tilt-A-Whirl? Well, JTT plays a character called "Customer #3" opposite none other that Justin Mutha Fvckin' Guarini! Keep your eyes out for this duo in my new movie, WTF: The End of Humanity!

Something for the ladies...

How to Get in Touch with Your Feminine Side:

1. Go to a comfortable place.
2. Disconnect from all distractions.
3. Turn off the lights.
4. Light a candle.
5. Find your feminine side.
6. Are you touching it?
7. Oh yeah, that's it. Keep on touching it.
8. That's nice.
9. Keeping on touching it, touch it like you know it.

You can't spell Obituary without bitch

So, with God going all kill happy as of recent, I have been thinking about my own mortality. I know that the Militia would go on and destroy Hilary Duff and force feed Lindsay Lohan, but I would be long gone. I know it is kind of vain to think that me, an overfed long-haired leaping gnome, would make such an impact that the world would wind up hearing my eulogy or reading my obituary. However, just like how I have never given up hope that the Buccaneers will draft me in the sixth round, I have not given up on the fact that I would get one of those sweet New York Times write-ups. As I will be dead, I want there to be a record that I do not want to see some words in my obituary. Despite the way how I die, I want you all to be sure that none of the following words or terms appear in that obituary:

• "...found with his 29 cats."
• "loner"
• "...next to his highlighted copy of The Turner Diaries."
• "rape/homicide"
• "...he never pulled out of his sugar-induced diabetic coma."
• "bullet-riddled body"
• "Police are still looking for his lower jaw."
• "homicide/rape"
• "Bobby Brown was the last man to see him alive."
• "pauper's grave"
• "...his torso was found in a culvert half a mile away."
• "syphilitic tumors"

At this time in my life, I am sure that I am missing something. What am I missing?

DRAGON BASEBALL Z!

This pretty much sums up the whole baseball postseason, in a confusing nutshell.

Matt Hates Movies...

I don't know if that is true. I do know that the next movie you should see is "Waiting..." not "Serenity". If you have ever worked in a restaurant, then you owe it to yourself to see it. I do like Matt do now. Dane Cook? Check. Ryan Reynods? Check. Waitresses, who I totally worked with? Check. I know I may be a bit biased, but the kitchen staff was the funniest thing in that movie. Oh, and yes, all restaurants have a kitchen crew that do those things, so beware. However, what they call "The Goat" I always knew as "The Trailer Hitch".

I have good news...

...I just save $80 on my car insurance by switching to GEICO. Lame, but true.

Deion Sanders said it the best...

...or I should say he sang it the best. When PrimeTime sang, "Must be the money". When I read this, all I could think was "must be the money" that is making me smile. Look out Keyshawn, you might be next.

Superdome? I think not...

We all know what Babs Bush (not the hot one) said about the Hurricane Katrina evacuees and their "kick-ass" living conditions in the Superdome. First off, I don't even think the Saints like playing football their when there isn't a gaping hole in the roof. Second, why live in the Superdome, (READ: remember to read this like the late not so great Rod Roddy), when you be living in this. It is effing amazing. And, the best part is your front door is a garage door. Now, that is killing two birds with one stone! AND THAT IS AMERICA!

Cyber-Winners, Real Losers...

It has been four days since UN Sissy has made mince meat of my life. I did not go to the game, instead I did my best to polish off a case of High Life (READ: no PBR v. High Life comments) on my loveseat. And now three games into the year, we are officially out of championship contention. Thanks, Chesty! I am not one of those "fire 'em" when the water gets hot types, but I am one of those "win a fucking football game, you loud mouth greaseball" types. However, there is a bright spot in all of this. The Indian dude who works at the N&O beat the white dude who works at the N&O in NCAA Football 2006. Watch that highlight, too. Did you see it? Yeah, that was a USER CATCH! At THE North Carolina State University, we don't rely on the CPU to make our catches!

Come On Black Women!

Do not do this to your children! Name 'em LaRochester or JaMatt, just not Donkay!

Freedom of Errection Act

Does anyone remember Debra LaFave? She was one of my LaFavorite post. She is back in the news. 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq, Katrina, and now this. Why isn't Pres. Bush doing something. This is a clear violation of the Freedom of Information Act. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

I admit it...

..I cannot get enough of this guy's shit.

Candy Reign

So, I had the worse candy ever yesterday, The Nerd Rope. Essentially it is Nerds covering a tasteless gummie rope. I would not have had a problem if the rope had any flavor or excessive sugar to it what so ever. Instead, it was a food colored gummie rope, without any flavor. It was like chewing Nerd with a rubber band inside of them. I was debating between that and the world's almost perfect candy bar, Chunky. I was kicking myself for the rest of the afternoon about that one. Chunky, for those of you not in the know, is a hunk of milk chocolate with peanuts and raisins hidden perfectly within. It is almost perfect, because it has not followed the industry norm of king-sizes. Chunky is a lot like sex, you have it and like two or three minutes later you want it again. Now if that put out a king-sized Chunky, it would be like sex with a big girl. You get it all king-sized and two or three days later you want it again. (READ: Big girls rock!) It make sense. What is your perfect candy?

This is not right...

Annie, this is for all those post of messed up kittens and dead animals. Kisses!

Dolls?

Dolls? I think this is a doll I would not mind my son playing with. I also cannot wait for his mother to look into his eyes as he says, "I kill a communist for fun, but for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice. " That will put a smile on my face no little league homerun ever will. (READ: I do not have a son, that I know of.)

Rochester and The Science World

One, I am not good at science and science related fields. This has very little to do with this post. So, I am in my Science Fiction Literature class this afternoon and the smelly guy who always has something to say and take his notes on a effin' laptop is on his second Coca-Cola with lime of the class when he bust out some (BRACE YOURSELF) LUNCHABLES! He starts making a ham, cheese and cracker sandwich. I cannot hold out and start laughing uncontrollably. The professor, God bless 'em, asks what was so funny. We were talking about H. G. Wells. I explain it before the class. The girl next to me loses it, too. And the smelly guy looks at me kinda funny and pounds on of the cracker sandwiches. I had to excuse myself from class for a minute. I was beat red in the face I was laughing so hard. That sheet is funny I do not care who you are! Then, I check out Utter Wonder and C. Monks had this on there. Easily the funniest past 30 minutes of my life. If I die right now, I would regret nothing.

Missing "Stuck In Rehab with Pat O'Brien"?

Well, don't you fret, because the man is back! Chris Monks has a section on his blog called "Letters to Star Jones". All is right with the world when someone is writing this to Star.

A Stuckey's Pecan Log...

and two 20 oz. bottles of Sunkist Orange, that would be my last meal. Dead Man Eating publishes the last meals of condemned men.Kinda creepy, but kinda interesting. However, I found the funniest thing in the world in the website's store, a pair of thong panties with "Dead Man Eating" written across the front. Someone did not do a lot of thinking about that one.

A Taste of my own medicine

So, I was walking the the library today and a breeze hit me in the front of my shorts, pulling them close to me. Then, as I look up a girl (nothing to write home about) was checking out what the view the wind was giving her. There was no mistaking whither or not was was looking at my shoes. She was staring right at James Westphal and Dr. Phillip Noisewater. Women always talk about how offensive it is when men stare at their dirty pillows. I found it flattering. I also might go home and put on a pair of bicycle shorts just to see who wants a piece.

"Oh boy, Gil is eating food tonight!"

That is a quote from one of my favorite characters on The Simpsons, Gil. Now, becuase I am really lazy here are some more quotes:

• That's it. Drool all you want. You can't hurt that paint job. Now rain water, that'll take right off. Oh man! Why didn't I close the deal?
• (on the phone to wife) Honey, you should seen me with my last customer, I... No, but I came *so* close! I... wait, is that, is that Fred? Awwwww, you said it was over, you... No, don't put him on! Hello? Hi! Fred, how are ya?
• Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like that, er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!
• Old Gil's gonna make something of himself! [Sees the sign "CA$H FOR YOUR EYE$"] Ooh. What do you use for anesthetic? A mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second thoughts.... [Sound of him getting hit, then sounds of eyes popping out.]

Classic.

Super Mario...

So, I am walking to the library like 30 minutes ago and I see a 6'7" black guy riding a motorized scooter. No, not the kind you sit on, the kind you stand on with a lawn mower engine on the back. Oh, but who is it but THE North Carolina State University's star lineman Mario Williams. I think that just about proves that we are by far the lowest of the low when it comes to dishing out the payola. I have see Ilian "F-Bombs" Evtimov riding around in a late 1980's Honda, with a mirrored plate on the front with a "3" on it. Now, when I grew up in Chapel Hill, the ballers all rolled in new SUV's with rims the size of Forest Whitaker's head. GO STATE!

I got it bad and that is so good...

For football has begun anew. Now this weekend did not work out like it should. One, Notre Dame won. I get marginally mad. Two, THE North Carolina State University loses, thanks Marcus. Three, I drank waaaaaaaaayyyy too much. It took me two full days to recover. Four, Miami loses to F*ck State University. So since that is as bad as it could get (READ: Knock on wood) I predict a complete domination by my teams in all realms. Those realms are NCAA, NFL (GO BUCS), and the exotic fantasy realm. Yes, I have three fantasy football teams this year, a personal best. I predict they will win not on their merits of football skills but my distasteful team names:

• Bastard Squad 2005 (Not that good, unless you watch The Young Ones)
• BALCO Bartokomous (My personal favorite)
• (And the most distasteful) The Dennis Red Raders *

I am predicting a sweep. Or at least I will make Matt and his wussy team, Boner Academy, cry. I'll post the results.

Out Fox-ed....

Rupert Murdock is my personal savior. He now has a strangle hold on all but one of my favorite television programs. Did anyone see Jailbreak? That show is like Oz with a lot less shower rapes. Which is a plus or negative depending on how you look at it. Let us take a look at what is on the old VCR (FUCK TiVo):

• Jailbreak (FOX)
• Arrested Develoment (FOX)
• Starved (FX)
• The Simpsons (FOX)
• Family Guy (FOX)
• EastEnders (PBS)
• The OC (FOX)
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

Also, if you haven't seen Starved yet, you need to see it!

Blog Bombed!

So, did anyone see the effin' comment for my last post? How does this happen? How could I stop this? I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. Well, not really, but I am pissed off. I am talking about a world tragedy, and some phucker is trying to sell me furniture. That is just wrong.

Fuck Germany: Part III

So, both AH and Matt got in their respective licks on Germany's response to the Katrina situation. Well, now it is the man with no political knowledge and taste's turn to poke at Germany. Their new paper ran this article. I am assuming the French are too busy trying to figure out how to pick on its homeland's population of Muslims. The Germans were planning on sending over troops, but that was back in 1944. The Spaniards are too busy dealing with the American hippy population on their shores. The Irish are drunk. The Dutch are concerned that all that water will mess up their wooden shoes, and they are stoned. The Portuguese are waiting for someone to come and visit them. The Italians need more razors to shave their women's upper lips. The Czech need more razors to shave their men's backs. The Polish have lost most of their submarines due to a faulty screendoor (I know that was cheap). The Swiss have a neutral stance on human suffering. And, the Swedish have decided the Bikini Team could only help a small percentage of people. Overall, like in all America's times of need, we gotta do it ourselves.

Try new Duff Dry...

Let me preface this by saying I did not watch any of the VMAs last night. I did, however, catch Hillary Duff's pan-face on it though. She looked about as healthy as Lin-Lo did, not very. I want to say she had a glow about her, but she just looked all around greasy. Now, I sweat. But, I am a 200 lbs. man. She is a 87 lbs. girl wearing next to nothing with makeup people to tend to her every glissen. What is going on Hollywood?! Also, Matt, her music has a strong pull to National Socialism. Deal with it, and join my campaign to rid the world of these people!

Radio Killed the Video Star...

As of 9 AM (EST) Friday, Rochester is back on the radio! I cannot wait to make sweet sweet love to all of my dozens of listeners earholes. You can listen to me at you office or home personal computer thanks to this. You can also send request via this Al Gore invention called the internet. So please do. And in honor of my return to the radio I will randomly quote the Ol' Dirty Bastard:

• My beats are slammin from the rugged programming
  My man Bob Marley hey my man I'm Jammin
  You could never touch the stamina, while I'm rammin the
  Hip-hop crowd makes me rrrah rrrah rrrah
  Other MC's got flipped with the ease
  Beggin me for burnt cigar, stop the music please
  No, cause I'm a PRO, rap to the conVO
  Make a crowd say HOE, at a strip SHOW
  Represent, my name is Ason, keep calm
  Rhyme's too smoky, funky like a stink bomb
  Boom! Blowin up niggaz better than pullin the trigger
  So you betta run for covah!
  Niggaz better loosen they ass, felt the glass
  A forty ounce bottle, yo yo yo yo money yo pass!
  Woooh-woooh-woooh! I sweat it live
  MC gonna live God? No, the nigga die
  The max-imum of MC's are populating
  The min-imum of those MC's are dominating
  Now all and together now, to what what who?
  Rhymes come stinky like a girl's poo-poo!
  

Comic Book Guy: Revisited

So, at the beginning of the month, I decided to post something random on this international comic book nerd's blog. I had no idea what language it was, but I was posting in the Lord's language, English. Well, as expected he erased my comment (READ: FASCIST). I revisited his blog today and decoded his savage tongue. It was Portuguese. You know from Portugal, the European country no ever wants to go to. Using BabelFish, I found out what he said in response to my comment. For the record, my comments were about home improvement. His response was:

• It is incredible as still you obtain to arrange time to place a critical one here. Thus it is that it is!
• Or in his crude language: É incrível como ainda consegues arranjar tempo para colocar aqui uma crítica. Assim é qeu©!

In all my infinite jesterful knowledge, I will now use BabelFish to translate Comic Book Guy quotes from The Simpsons in Portuguese, and taunt him a second time. This also bring up an interesting question, "Why does the world hate Americans?"

Looking for a Friend?

Well, Annie and Angry Hippie, I found you one.

So...

...does anyone else have an erection yet?

A quick explanation...

about the title of my last post. HERE! In a related story Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Chris Simms admits to never seeing a woman naked. Bucs in 2005!

Ron Mexico

In a related story, thousands of legal immigrants are sitting in air-conditioned embassies and immigration offices, sipping on Diet Cokes, and waiting for their papers to be stamped.

GO PACK!

I think Lee Harvey Oswald and that U. of Texas Watchtower dude were on this team, too. Thanks, Chuck Heston!

Things that make you go "Hmm"

I have been watching this on television all morning. The protesters seem pretty upset. They are getting nasty an violent from what I saw on the television. So, they are mad because they are being forced out of their homes and what they perceive as their rightful land, and now they are getting nasty and violent. Let's all just think about that for a minute and say "Oh, I get it."

Welcome to Wake County!

Now get the f*ck out! Matt made the move to Wake County this past weekend. Don't worry, I am planning to jump him into the Militia later this week. But, he can always check for sex offenders living around him. Looks like a good neighborhood, until....

Melodrama Battle Royale!

So, I was up at 1 AM last night and I ran into an old friend on PBS, EastEnders. It had been a long time but the elements taht made me love her orginally were still there. I don't know if it the fact they most of the people look like me (READ: not television attractive), the fact that they have a beer anytime of day, or the fact that the letter "H" doesn't even exsist in speech over in Albert Square, but I just love it for the drama. I caught myself yelling "DAAAAAAAAAM!" over and over again. Which brings me to the ultimate point, can The O.C. stand up to EastEnders in "DAAAAAAM" dept.? Matt, before you go all Matt on me, give EastEnders a chance. Also, Melanie is hot.

TV is my only true friend...

...and it is betraying me on a daily basis. I was watching E! last night when Howard Stern should've been on they had on their new reality TV show called "Kill Reality". The jest of it is they are making a slasher movie with reality TV "personalities". I only know the people from the Real World and one chick from Survivor. I caught the show right at the moment when Jenna Lewis, the one girls I know from Survivor, is having a really tough time with a scene they requires nudity. That's when it all hit me. The internet has been good for two things, eBay and all its awesome shoes, and porn. I remember hearing about a sex tape she had leaked to the 'net. Now, the question is, "Are you really having a hard time doing this scene, Jenna?" She didn't seem to have a hard time having oral sex and spitting its result at the camera on that tape. So, I guess my point is this. If you name your kid Jenna, she is going to be on film somewhere doing something degrading. So, keep you eyes peeled, Matt. She (check out the bra!) could be next.

It is true...

SO TRUE!

A Global Freak Out!

I got a wierd vibe up my ass and decided to surf the blog-o-sphere. My goal was to find as many blogs in a foreign language and make comments on them. It sounds weird but when this international comic book nerd reads my comments I think he'll look at America differently.

Why Do I Have to be Broke?

I am a sneaker freak! I love finding insane looking sneakers that make people go HUH! However, these are effin' AWESOME!

Must Help at High School Parties...

So, I was watching The Andy Milonakis Show on MTV the other day. The show is borderline unwatchable, but I have been known to watch a pit bull have sex with an old truck tire. So, let us just say I gave it a couple of minutes. It had a couple of moments. He had a sketch call "Jesus Kitty", where a kitten produces enough bread and fish for the masses. I laughed at that. I thought that was a complicated little sketch for such a young man to do. Now, I find out the "kid" is 28 years old! Look at him. I guess he has that Emanuel Webster disease or something. Also, I wonder how long it will be until MTV just gives up on the whole concept of music, and when does The Real World just become hardcore porn. It'll happen.

Love means...

...never having to say your sorry. But, this means somebody owes THE North Carolina State University an apology. U.N. Sissy, I can wait all day. You know what, fuck your apology. We'll just beat the ever living shit outta ya! I think this calls for a little:

• We're the Red and White from State
  And we know we are the best.
  A hand behind our back,
  We can take on all the rest.
  Come over the hill, Carolina.
  Devils and Deacs stand in line.
  The Red and White from N.C. State.
  Go State!

Bad Joke of the Day

Q: What is the difference between a cooked chicken and a pregnant lady?

A: You can always debone a chicken.

Judge Dread

Last night, Pres. G. W. Bush nominated John Roberts (easily the most boring name in the world) to become the next Justice in the highest court in the galaxy. His approval is based on his survival of a congressional shitstorm, where the Capitol Hill Leftys will try to find as much dirt as they possibly can on him to paint him as a bad dude. However, like we saw with Anita Hill and Justice Long Dong Silver, it won't stop a thing. So, before actual facts come out about the Justice-to-be here are some that I found out:

• While presiding over the Northern Virginia Court of Appeals, Judge Roberts released Ronald Taft Dobbs, a convicted sex offender. Mr. Dobbs was arrested a month later for pressing his penis up against a bus windows. Thus exposing himself to dozens of school children.
• Judge Roberts was caught with over $2,000 of undeclared jewelry in his bag from a trip to Aruba this past fall. As of today, he has yet to pay the U.S. Custom Dept.'s $150 fine.
• Judge Roberts is an avid hunter, however last year he paid a Chinese game warden $4,000 to hunt a Giant Panda. What is worse, he wanted an even fight so he hunted the Panda nude, and with his bear hands. Luckily, the Panda hunt was stopped when local villagers pulled Judge Roberts off of the Panda. He apparently was trying to hug it to death from behind.
• Though he was only in his early twenties, and an American national, Judge Roberts was a high ranking colonel in Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge. Prime Minister Pot called him, "brutal, yet completely lovable".
• And as his age is still an issue, in 1958, at the tender age of three, Judge Roberts helped to hide dozens of Nazi war criminals in his parents' Buffalo home. Josef Mengle recounted on his death bed, "Lil' John would come down to the basement with Rice Krispie treats and Tang. Oh, how he loved Tang. He told me, 'This is the stuff that our Astronauts will drink someday.'"
• To make matter worse, at my annual Above-Ground-Pool Clambake. He took my last Miller High Life in my cooler. Then he tried to play it off, like he didn't know it was my cooler. Which is total bullshit, because I was the only one there with a red Hulkamanina cooler.
  

So, Good Luck John Glover Roberts! You are gonna need it.

Bad Joke for the Day

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the little white fluffball and sez, "What will it be, sir?" The baby seal sez, "I'll have any thing except a Canadian club."

"Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down!"

I had a film-tastic weekend. I watched "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" for the umpteenth time. Hence the title of my post. And yesterday I saw what will become the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, "Wedding Crashers". And, yes it was all that and a bag of Lay's Salt-n-Vinegar Chips with a French onion dip on the siiiiide! You are treated to Dwight Yoakam doing what he does best, quietly giving you an awesome performance, in the first minute of the film. He establishes the mood and pace of the film right off the bat. What is that mood and pace you ask? FALL OUT YOUR SEAT FUNNY! I don't want to ruin it for anyone so I'll just get to the meat of this post. How many actors can you not think of who can effin' own a movie with just a phrase? When I say not think of, I mean B-lister. Neil Patrick Harris in "...White Castle" is one. The guy did it in "Undercover Brother", too. Dwight Yoakam is the same way. He made "Panic Room". A white guy named Raoul with a pension for violence? What! I don't even want to think of "Sling Blade" without Dwight. These guys just show up in a movie and it makes you feel like something is actually right in this crazy mixed up world.

He'll Flip Ya! Fa Real!

So Matt and I have agreed to disagree (see the comments). We'll just have to save this debate for 1:32 AM at a bar after 14 whiskey sours. That way neither one of us can make a good point. Here is something you cannot debate. This is a bad move. I don't know who is really running the effing Lakers, but it ain't Buss and Kupchak. However, Kupchak did go to UNC so maybe he learned how to make bad decision there. Does Phil Jackson's triangle offense really need that much of a waste of space at center to work? (READ: Bill Cartwright, Bill Wennington, Bison Dele, and Luc Longley) Is Kobe really all that paranoid that about losing scoring opportunities as to run off both the Lakers guards, too? Do I really give a rats ass about the L. F'N A. Lakers? Well, no, but I know I could make a better move then that. That is my point. How many people out there actually believe they could do a better job then the actual front office of a sports franchise? Frequent poster, Tits does. He does so much that he is leaving his job to get a degree in such a field. Not so frequent poster, Big Series does, too. He left his job, city, and girlfriend to follow his goals. So, maybe the sports world will be a better place with those two in the front office. OH! and when you guys get there, hook me up with a job.

I am as P.C. as the next man....

...if the next man is a redneck. I know that by parlaying a stereotype for my last post was flat out racist. I know saying "a little racist" is comparable to saying "a little gay", there is no little about it. I was trying to paint the picture a little lighter then it is. I am not anti-semitic. Hackney as it may sounds, some of my best friends are Jews. I know it was wrong and I apologize. I try to stay away from political post, because I am too stupid to comment on them logically. However, on this issue I do know a little something. I do not agree with Israel and what it has been doing. Everyone paints them as the great victims in this Palestinian-Israeli conflict, but they have more then enough blood in their hands. The way they are going about things is wrong and unjust. But, I guess a few bad apples do really spoil the whole bushel. Just like when you were in elementary school and the one kid screwed everyone out of recess, and now the entire class has to sit with their heads down on the desks. This is the same as settlers in American and what happened to the Native Americans, or the Afrikaners and the Blacks South Africans and "Coloureds" (people of non-white decent). Ironically, I found a quote from an S. African born Israeli Abba Eban that kind of sums up my frustration, "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

Stereotypes Make Judging People Easier

So as we await the Gaza pull out, the Israelis have decided to look to America to split the bill for it. I know this is a little racist, but Jews trying to stick the bill to someone else? Hmmm, sound like someone is living up to their stereotype. Bush had better not try to take Sharon to T.G.I. Fridays or else the American taxpayer will be forced to pay for all those Bubblegum Margaritas Ariel likes so much. Also, they are moving 8,000 settlers. How is that gonna cost $2.2 billion dollars? What kind of U-Hauls are they using?

Got 10 minutes to waste?

Yeah? Then, here.

Days of Wine and Roses

Day Two of London Calling: So, J-MO (the perpetual terrorist worry wart) sez to me yesterday, "All we are gonna here about is London for the next couple of weeks, and already I am sick of it." This pissed me off to no end. I began to think waaaaaay back to what I was doing during the September 11 Attacks. I was living in Casa de Drunk-n-Smoke with J-Biz and three other dudes. I remember the sickening feeling I had when I realized my sister lived in NYC. I remember the absolute rage I had for all those hijacking cowards, who were too scared to actually chanlenge America face-to-face. Or me face-to-face. I remeber going to Visart and renting the worst movies ever made, just so I could try to forget. Try to escape from the fact that the Eden that was American on 9-10-2001 is no longer there. Although I am not really mad at J-MO, I do say this, "FUCK YOU!"

London Calling

Hey London, you won the 2012 Olympic and you are hosting the G8 Summit, here's your own honorary terrorist attack. Now, you too can live in paranoia like Spain, Austrialia, and the U. S. of Mother Effin' A. However, did anyone happen to notice that Richard "Nike Bombs" Reid was tried and convicted already? No? Me neither, but it happend. Richie "I wish I was a terrorist" Reid claimed that he was at war with the U.S., although he is a British national. He also made his praise to Allah. The Federal Judge "Not Dredd" Young addressed the lil' fella like this after dropping 80 years on his ass:

"Let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much war talk here and I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, we deal with individuals as individuals and care for individuals as individuals.
As human beings, we reach out for justice.
You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do it or your attorney who does it, or if you think you are a soldier. You are not----- you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not meet with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice. So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You're no warrior. I've known warriors. You are a terrorist. A species of criminal that is guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV crews were, and he said: "You're no big deal." What your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today?
I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing. And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you, but as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know. It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very wind carries freedom. It carries it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see, that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges. We Americans are all about freedom. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here. Day after tomorrow, it will be forgotten, but this, however, will long endure. Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America, the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice. See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America. That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That
flag stands for freedom. And it always will. Mr. Custody Officer. Stand him down."

I wonder how much he'll be praising Allah when he is getting gang rape my the Aryan Nation in the shower after being sold by the Latin Kings for a carton of cigarettes. Also, I am soooo glad we have crazy-ass Tom Cruise and Benn-ifer so the media can forget about the fact that these azzholes are still out there. It gave London a moment to forget and we see what happens then. STAY VIGILANT!

America. FUCK YEAH!

So, July 4th has come and gone. I went to a lovely cook-out at J-Biz's house. The High Life and coversation were bubbly. Towards the end of the evening when Matt stubbled in from the Garden Party State, I had to be more competiitve with my comments. I grew up in a fairly loud house and if you didn't blurt out what you had to say then you didn't get heard. This holds true to this very day. I, believe it or not, stay rather quite at Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner. However, I formed the speech defect because of this. I try to say what I am thinking well before it was thought out. I often switch letters with other letters and in heat of a good old fashioned toe-to-toe smartass comment-off, it can almost sound like I am speaking a foreign language. It is AWFUL when I am drinking, too. (And, I am always drinking in those kinds of situations.) Now, why to I preface this? Because I have a language fetish. I love hearing new words, of hearing old words used in an interesting fashion. I love buthcering the English language. I love sayings that make no sense. The one that has become of particular interest to me it the statement "How come they can put a man on the moon, but..." I find this interesting to me because it is never anyting earth shattering. It is always something like "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a clean smelling shampoo for my pubic lice." Or, "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a low-fat mayo that taste good." I mean, I think with all the things our government has to deal with they could at least ban this phrase unless it is talking about nuclear war or genocide. How come they can put a man on the moon, but they cannot stop knuckleheads from sayin' "How come they can put a man on the moon, but...". DAMN!