Remember this season...

Just try to think about those less fortunate than you this season. People like me. I don't have much. But I do have my family. And, I do have my friends. I have a midget friend, an albino friend and a friend who thinks Star Trek is real. When we go out on the town people call us "The Unfuckables". However, I think this guy has a spot in our clique.

Modern Era...

Mike Ditka couldn't win a game in the Modern Era is his life depended on it. Also, did anyone see the Bears game this weekend? They let a 36-year old fatass asthmatic run all over like a German over a Frenchman. How do bears suck that hard with all sharp teeth? Hmm, could this be why the Bears suck?

Tookie Monster

Am I the only person that thinks that Tookie looks like Ashford? I guess that should be looked like Ashford.

Sorry Mom!

So, Angry Fatty dropped this lil' gem about Brokeback Mountain. I am GLAAD (get it) he told me what that movies was really about. I thought for a minute when he was talkin' about a movies with the term "brokeback" in it, it was from his days of working in gay porn. Maybe I am a bit dumb, because I also, thought The Bear was another of B!'s earlier films.

Going all Rawls dog on a bitch...

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through
Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

You're gonna, You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gon
I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

The AIDS

Today is world's AIDS Day. I don't know what that means. I guess, we are all supposed to get AIDS today or something. I also like "AIDS Awareness Day". WTF is that supposed to mean? I am aware that AIDS be out there. Do I need to dedicate a whole day to that? Should I sit around my apartment and think "AIDS is out there" and deny myself food, water and toilet because they will cause me to depart from my being aware of AIDS? Well, while Bono and all the non-third world nation celebrate AIDS, I present this lil' nugget. Look at it. Now, if you are not laughing, then the government might want to impose "FUN Awareness Day".

Thanks for Nothing:

Thing I am thankful for:

• Miller High Life
• A bottle of George Dickel is still under $10
• Homeless people who have dogs
• the fact I will never own a cat, so I don't have to worry about them suffocating me in my sleep.
• Finally sneaking onto the Dean's List at age 26.
• White girls with black girls' asses (Whuddup, Truck)
• Carolina sucking through an entire basketball season
• The weather getting cold enough to make muther fuckers take off the flip-flops and put on some sneakers
• My (2-9-1) flag football team, BALCO Bartokomous.
• the fact I am gonna burn Tonsafun for at least three scores on the day after Thanksgiving flag football game.
• THE North Carolina State University football team underachieving, again.
• Tampa Bay Bucs being tied for 1st in the NFC South
• The safety in football
• Kelly Monaco
• My maroon adidas track pants
  
• Annie posting that picture of Matt riding a horse. I still laugh at that.
• Truck's boo's muscle
• The police report from when Truck gave her boo a black eye for not mixing her drink right when she came home from work. Who doesn't know the "Truck Special"? Champange and Ovaltine.
• Mine and AH!'s on going struggle with acceptance of our bodies.
  
• AH! is fatter than me.
  

Heisman Trophy Wife?

You wanna see what kind of ladies a Heisman Trophy winner is hitting? This is Matt Leinart's girl at USC. I wonder if after the sexing is done he throws up the Heisman pose. I also wonder if he has a bad sexing performance if he spends hours after hour watching film from his poor performance.

Postin' Up

My sweet Lord and savior Jesus, who will smight all my enemies and crush the international Zionist and Islamic movement, has it been a week since I last posted? Wow, time flies when you are typing 30 pages of projects and papers. I had totally forgotten how much school sucked when you take 15 hours and the professors are trying not to look like pushover and decide to dump bullshit on you and tell you it is chocolate. However, this time Thursday I will be flying to America's Wang, aka Florida, to go to the second happiest place on earth, Disneyworld. The first is Teaser's Palace over in Durham. And with all that excitement, I can tell you right now that this story did not pass me by. What the hell is wrong with bitches now a days? They be fingerbanging each other in bathroom stalls. And hot older women, who should be settling for underachieving redheads, are hooking up with 15 year olds! This is so wrong. So, if you get a chance to get into a fight with a 14 or 15 year old puck ass, DO IT! And when the police arrest you, just tell 'em he was skirting in on your squirrel!

Down with America!

So did anyone remember to vote? Neither did I. I mean, how many of these Goddamn elections are there? I wish we lived in Belarus so I wouldn't have to worry about this crap like every two years or something. I guess that is like thew one good thing about being under totalitarian rule.

Kickers?

If someone would've told me that a kicker would be making more than LaVar and Warren, combined. I would've jack-slapped them into the stone-age. But, it is true. LOOK!

Japanese people and J-Biz

One of J-Biz's other nicknames is The Polar Bear, because his hair is clear and he loves to fuck with Japanese people. Don't believe me? Check this good shit out.

Mis-labeled...

I think if anyone were looking for something else, they would be greatly disappointed by this site. Matt, I am just warning you.

Something for 3000

It is a well known fact that recent neuter, 3000, loves nothing more than to sit on his futon with his main woman and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos". I am more partial to "America's Home Snuff Videos", but that is just me. So, here is a lil' something for 3000.

WILMAAAAA!

I am sorry, Florida. But thanks in large part to Katrina and Rita, Wilma wudn't shit. They said the death toll is up to 10. I think 10 people would've died in Florida in one day anyhow. What is the median age down there? 79? No power for as much as 2 weeks? Wow, I wonder how the people who don't have any houses to run power to in Gulfport feel about that? So, be American, Florida, hike up you socks, light a candle and watch your high school football games in the afternoon, you ain't got it that bad.

Non-sex Toys

Remember when toys were actually fun?

So Wrong, Yet So Right

So, I was on Utter Wonder the other day and checking out his new Doodleday cartoon. Let me preface this with this, me and C. Monks do not have the same political ideology. We both just share a love of Star Jones. So, I was kind of just nodding my head in a very "sure-thing -sweetheart-my-body-my-choice" kind of fashion. Then, I get down to the comments. They are all similar to one another except for one. Did you spot it? Yeah, that's the one. I laughed at first and then looked around thinking, "Whoa, that was a bit offsides." I half-hoped it would be someone who hit his blog via mine (aka my loyal radio audience or daily blogging friends). And I wholely pray that it was not my Dad, doing his Pro-Life thang. You wanna know what I wanted to post until that dude (or dudette) ruined it for me?

• "I wanted an American Girls doll, too. But, my mommy had my brains sucked out with a vacuum cleaner, because she didn't wanna make her man wear a rubber. I never learned, is that the definition of 'IRONY'" ----->Baby Girl

That is offsides, too. However, at least it protect a woman's right to choose.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

I read this, and then I read my special imaginary newspaper, in my head. In it Rummy was quotes as saying, "I cannot understand a word these dudes are saying. And when I tried to tell them that they looked at me like I was speaking Chinese or something."

Did anyone know this?

Keira Knightley got down in The Jacket and a Brit remake of Dr. Zhivago. Not only that, she showed her dirty pillows in The Hole. Why am I just finding out about this? Why didn't she e-mail me when she did this? This is just like when Jonathan Taylor Thomas left Home Improvement and didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and tell me why. I mean, yes it might be a little weird that a 26 year old man is the founder of the JTT (that''s what real fans call him) Fan Club, but I made the effort of sending him the pictures of our retreat to the Hillsbrough Hog Days. Some of these Hollywood types need to recognize who is make them the hot shit that they are. On a side note, did anyone a short film called Tilt-A-Whirl? Well, JTT plays a character called "Customer #3" opposite none other that Justin Mutha Fvckin' Guarini! Keep your eyes out for this duo in my new movie, WTF: The End of Humanity!

Something for the ladies...

How to Get in Touch with Your Feminine Side:

1. Go to a comfortable place.
2. Disconnect from all distractions.
3. Turn off the lights.
4. Light a candle.
5. Find your feminine side.
6. Are you touching it?
7. Oh yeah, that's it. Keep on touching it.
8. That's nice.
9. Keeping on touching it, touch it like you know it.

You can't spell Obituary without bitch

So, with God going all kill happy as of recent, I have been thinking about my own mortality. I know that the Militia would go on and destroy Hilary Duff and force feed Lindsay Lohan, but I would be long gone. I know it is kind of vain to think that me, an overfed long-haired leaping gnome, would make such an impact that the world would wind up hearing my eulogy or reading my obituary. However, just like how I have never given up hope that the Buccaneers will draft me in the sixth round, I have not given up on the fact that I would get one of those sweet New York Times write-ups. As I will be dead, I want there to be a record that I do not want to see some words in my obituary. Despite the way how I die, I want you all to be sure that none of the following words or terms appear in that obituary:

• "...found with his 29 cats."
• "loner"
• "...next to his highlighted copy of The Turner Diaries."
• "rape/homicide"
• "...he never pulled out of his sugar-induced diabetic coma."
• "bullet-riddled body"
• "Police are still looking for his lower jaw."
• "homicide/rape"
• "Bobby Brown was the last man to see him alive."
• "pauper's grave"
• "...his torso was found in a culvert half a mile away."
• "syphilitic tumors"

At this time in my life, I am sure that I am missing something. What am I missing?

DRAGON BASEBALL Z!

This pretty much sums up the whole baseball postseason, in a confusing nutshell.

Matt Hates Movies...

I don't know if that is true. I do know that the next movie you should see is "Waiting..." not "Serenity". If you have ever worked in a restaurant, then you owe it to yourself to see it. I do like Matt do now. Dane Cook? Check. Ryan Reynods? Check. Waitresses, who I totally worked with? Check. I know I may be a bit biased, but the kitchen staff was the funniest thing in that movie. Oh, and yes, all restaurants have a kitchen crew that do those things, so beware. However, what they call "The Goat" I always knew as "The Trailer Hitch".

I have good news...

...I just save $80 on my car insurance by switching to GEICO. Lame, but true.

Deion Sanders said it the best...

...or I should say he sang it the best. When PrimeTime sang, "Must be the money". When I read this, all I could think was "must be the money" that is making me smile. Look out Keyshawn, you might be next.

Superdome? I think not...

We all know what Babs Bush (not the hot one) said about the Hurricane Katrina evacuees and their "kick-ass" living conditions in the Superdome. First off, I don't even think the Saints like playing football their when there isn't a gaping hole in the roof. Second, why live in the Superdome, (READ: remember to read this like the late not so great Rod Roddy), when you be living in this. It is effing amazing. And, the best part is your front door is a garage door. Now, that is killing two birds with one stone! AND THAT IS AMERICA!

Cyber-Winners, Real Losers...

It has been four days since UN Sissy has made mince meat of my life. I did not go to the game, instead I did my best to polish off a case of High Life (READ: no PBR v. High Life comments) on my loveseat. And now three games into the year, we are officially out of championship contention. Thanks, Chesty! I am not one of those "fire 'em" when the water gets hot types, but I am one of those "win a fucking football game, you loud mouth greaseball" types. However, there is a bright spot in all of this. The Indian dude who works at the N&O beat the white dude who works at the N&O in NCAA Football 2006. Watch that highlight, too. Did you see it? Yeah, that was a USER CATCH! At THE North Carolina State University, we don't rely on the CPU to make our catches!

Come On Black Women!

Do not do this to your children! Name 'em LaRochester or JaMatt, just not Donkay!

Freedom of Errection Act

Does anyone remember Debra LaFave? She was one of my LaFavorite post. She is back in the news. 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq, Katrina, and now this. Why isn't Pres. Bush doing something. This is a clear violation of the Freedom of Information Act. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

I admit it...

..I cannot get enough of this guy's shit.

Candy Reign

So, I had the worse candy ever yesterday, The Nerd Rope. Essentially it is Nerds covering a tasteless gummie rope. I would not have had a problem if the rope had any flavor or excessive sugar to it what so ever. Instead, it was a food colored gummie rope, without any flavor. It was like chewing Nerd with a rubber band inside of them. I was debating between that and the world's almost perfect candy bar, Chunky. I was kicking myself for the rest of the afternoon about that one. Chunky, for those of you not in the know, is a hunk of milk chocolate with peanuts and raisins hidden perfectly within. It is almost perfect, because it has not followed the industry norm of king-sizes. Chunky is a lot like sex, you have it and like two or three minutes later you want it again. Now if that put out a king-sized Chunky, it would be like sex with a big girl. You get it all king-sized and two or three days later you want it again. (READ: Big girls rock!) It make sense. What is your perfect candy?

This is not right...

Annie, this is for all those post of messed up kittens and dead animals. Kisses!

Dolls?

Dolls? I think this is a doll I would not mind my son playing with. I also cannot wait for his mother to look into his eyes as he says, "I kill a communist for fun, but for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice. " That will put a smile on my face no little league homerun ever will. (READ: I do not have a son, that I know of.)

Rochester and The Science World

One, I am not good at science and science related fields. This has very little to do with this post. So, I am in my Science Fiction Literature class this afternoon and the smelly guy who always has something to say and take his notes on a effin' laptop is on his second Coca-Cola with lime of the class when he bust out some (BRACE YOURSELF) LUNCHABLES! He starts making a ham, cheese and cracker sandwich. I cannot hold out and start laughing uncontrollably. The professor, God bless 'em, asks what was so funny. We were talking about H. G. Wells. I explain it before the class. The girl next to me loses it, too. And the smelly guy looks at me kinda funny and pounds on of the cracker sandwiches. I had to excuse myself from class for a minute. I was beat red in the face I was laughing so hard. That sheet is funny I do not care who you are! Then, I check out Utter Wonder and C. Monks had this on there. Easily the funniest past 30 minutes of my life. If I die right now, I would regret nothing.

Missing "Stuck In Rehab with Pat O'Brien"?

Well, don't you fret, because the man is back! Chris Monks has a section on his blog called "Letters to Star Jones". All is right with the world when someone is writing this to Star.

A Stuckey's Pecan Log...

and two 20 oz. bottles of Sunkist Orange, that would be my last meal. Dead Man Eating publishes the last meals of condemned men.Kinda creepy, but kinda interesting. However, I found the funniest thing in the world in the website's store, a pair of thong panties with "Dead Man Eating" written across the front. Someone did not do a lot of thinking about that one.

A Taste of my own medicine

So, I was walking the the library today and a breeze hit me in the front of my shorts, pulling them close to me. Then, as I look up a girl (nothing to write home about) was checking out what the view the wind was giving her. There was no mistaking whither or not was was looking at my shoes. She was staring right at James Westphal and Dr. Phillip Noisewater. Women always talk about how offensive it is when men stare at their dirty pillows. I found it flattering. I also might go home and put on a pair of bicycle shorts just to see who wants a piece.

"Oh boy, Gil is eating food tonight!"

That is a quote from one of my favorite characters on The Simpsons, Gil. Now, becuase I am really lazy here are some more quotes:

• That's it. Drool all you want. You can't hurt that paint job. Now rain water, that'll take right off. Oh man! Why didn't I close the deal?
• (on the phone to wife) Honey, you should seen me with my last customer, I... No, but I came *so* close! I... wait, is that, is that Fred? Awwwww, you said it was over, you... No, don't put him on! Hello? Hi! Fred, how are ya?
• Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like that, er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!
• Old Gil's gonna make something of himself! [Sees the sign "CA$H FOR YOUR EYE$"] Ooh. What do you use for anesthetic? A mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second thoughts.... [Sound of him getting hit, then sounds of eyes popping out.]

Classic.

Super Mario...

So, I am walking to the library like 30 minutes ago and I see a 6'7" black guy riding a motorized scooter. No, not the kind you sit on, the kind you stand on with a lawn mower engine on the back. Oh, but who is it but THE North Carolina State University's star lineman Mario Williams. I think that just about proves that we are by far the lowest of the low when it comes to dishing out the payola. I have see Ilian "F-Bombs" Evtimov riding around in a late 1980's Honda, with a mirrored plate on the front with a "3" on it. Now, when I grew up in Chapel Hill, the ballers all rolled in new SUV's with rims the size of Forest Whitaker's head. GO STATE!

I got it bad and that is so good...

For football has begun anew. Now this weekend did not work out like it should. One, Notre Dame won. I get marginally mad. Two, THE North Carolina State University loses, thanks Marcus. Three, I drank waaaaaaaaayyyy too much. It took me two full days to recover. Four, Miami loses to F*ck State University. So since that is as bad as it could get (READ: Knock on wood) I predict a complete domination by my teams in all realms. Those realms are NCAA, NFL (GO BUCS), and the exotic fantasy realm. Yes, I have three fantasy football teams this year, a personal best. I predict they will win not on their merits of football skills but my distasteful team names:

• Bastard Squad 2005 (Not that good, unless you watch The Young Ones)
• BALCO Bartokomous (My personal favorite)
• (And the most distasteful) The Dennis Red Raders *

I am predicting a sweep. Or at least I will make Matt and his wussy team, Boner Academy, cry. I'll post the results.

Out Fox-ed....

Rupert Murdock is my personal savior. He now has a strangle hold on all but one of my favorite television programs. Did anyone see Jailbreak? That show is like Oz with a lot less shower rapes. Which is a plus or negative depending on how you look at it. Let us take a look at what is on the old VCR (FUCK TiVo):

• Jailbreak (FOX)
• Arrested Develoment (FOX)
• Starved (FX)
• The Simpsons (FOX)
• Family Guy (FOX)
• EastEnders (PBS)
• The OC (FOX)
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

Also, if you haven't seen Starved yet, you need to see it!

Blog Bombed!

So, did anyone see the effin' comment for my last post? How does this happen? How could I stop this? I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. Well, not really, but I am pissed off. I am talking about a world tragedy, and some phucker is trying to sell me furniture. That is just wrong.

Fuck Germany: Part III

So, both AH and Matt got in their respective licks on Germany's response to the Katrina situation. Well, now it is the man with no political knowledge and taste's turn to poke at Germany. Their new paper ran this article. I am assuming the French are too busy trying to figure out how to pick on its homeland's population of Muslims. The Germans were planning on sending over troops, but that was back in 1944. The Spaniards are too busy dealing with the American hippy population on their shores. The Irish are drunk. The Dutch are concerned that all that water will mess up their wooden shoes, and they are stoned. The Portuguese are waiting for someone to come and visit them. The Italians need more razors to shave their women's upper lips. The Czech need more razors to shave their men's backs. The Polish have lost most of their submarines due to a faulty screendoor (I know that was cheap). The Swiss have a neutral stance on human suffering. And, the Swedish have decided the Bikini Team could only help a small percentage of people. Overall, like in all America's times of need, we gotta do it ourselves.

Try new Duff Dry...

Let me preface this by saying I did not watch any of the VMAs last night. I did, however, catch Hillary Duff's pan-face on it though. She looked about as healthy as Lin-Lo did, not very. I want to say she had a glow about her, but she just looked all around greasy. Now, I sweat. But, I am a 200 lbs. man. She is a 87 lbs. girl wearing next to nothing with makeup people to tend to her every glissen. What is going on Hollywood?! Also, Matt, her music has a strong pull to National Socialism. Deal with it, and join my campaign to rid the world of these people!

Radio Killed the Video Star...

As of 9 AM (EST) Friday, Rochester is back on the radio! I cannot wait to make sweet sweet love to all of my dozens of listeners earholes. You can listen to me at you office or home personal computer thanks to this. You can also send request via this Al Gore invention called the internet. So please do. And in honor of my return to the radio I will randomly quote the Ol' Dirty Bastard:

• My beats are slammin from the rugged programming
  My man Bob Marley hey my man I'm Jammin
  You could never touch the stamina, while I'm rammin the
  Hip-hop crowd makes me rrrah rrrah rrrah
  Other MC's got flipped with the ease
  Beggin me for burnt cigar, stop the music please
  No, cause I'm a PRO, rap to the conVO
  Make a crowd say HOE, at a strip SHOW
  Represent, my name is Ason, keep calm
  Rhyme's too smoky, funky like a stink bomb
  Boom! Blowin up niggaz better than pullin the trigger
  So you betta run for covah!
  Niggaz better loosen they ass, felt the glass
  A forty ounce bottle, yo yo yo yo money yo pass!
  Woooh-woooh-woooh! I sweat it live
  MC gonna live God? No, the nigga die
  The max-imum of MC's are populating
  The min-imum of those MC's are dominating
  Now all and together now, to what what who?
  Rhymes come stinky like a girl's poo-poo!
  

Comic Book Guy: Revisited

So, at the beginning of the month, I decided to post something random on this international comic book nerd's blog. I had no idea what language it was, but I was posting in the Lord's language, English. Well, as expected he erased my comment (READ: FASCIST). I revisited his blog today and decoded his savage tongue. It was Portuguese. You know from Portugal, the European country no ever wants to go to. Using BabelFish, I found out what he said in response to my comment. For the record, my comments were about home improvement. His response was:

• It is incredible as still you obtain to arrange time to place a critical one here. Thus it is that it is!
• Or in his crude language: É incrível como ainda consegues arranjar tempo para colocar aqui uma crítica. Assim é qeu©!

In all my infinite jesterful knowledge, I will now use BabelFish to translate Comic Book Guy quotes from The Simpsons in Portuguese, and taunt him a second time. This also bring up an interesting question, "Why does the world hate Americans?"

Looking for a Friend?

Well, Annie and Angry Hippie, I found you one.

So...

...does anyone else have an erection yet?

A quick explanation...

about the title of my last post. HERE! In a related story Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Chris Simms admits to never seeing a woman naked. Bucs in 2005!

Ron Mexico

In a related story, thousands of legal immigrants are sitting in air-conditioned embassies and immigration offices, sipping on Diet Cokes, and waiting for their papers to be stamped.

GO PACK!

I think Lee Harvey Oswald and that U. of Texas Watchtower dude were on this team, too. Thanks, Chuck Heston!

Things that make you go "Hmm"

I have been watching this on television all morning. The protesters seem pretty upset. They are getting nasty an violent from what I saw on the television. So, they are mad because they are being forced out of their homes and what they perceive as their rightful land, and now they are getting nasty and violent. Let's all just think about that for a minute and say "Oh, I get it."

Welcome to Wake County!

Now get the f*ck out! Matt made the move to Wake County this past weekend. Don't worry, I am planning to jump him into the Militia later this week. But, he can always check for sex offenders living around him. Looks like a good neighborhood, until....

Melodrama Battle Royale!

So, I was up at 1 AM last night and I ran into an old friend on PBS, EastEnders. It had been a long time but the elements taht made me love her orginally were still there. I don't know if it the fact they most of the people look like me (READ: not television attractive), the fact that they have a beer anytime of day, or the fact that the letter "H" doesn't even exsist in speech over in Albert Square, but I just love it for the drama. I caught myself yelling "DAAAAAAAAAM!" over and over again. Which brings me to the ultimate point, can The O.C. stand up to EastEnders in "DAAAAAAM" dept.? Matt, before you go all Matt on me, give EastEnders a chance. Also, Melanie is hot.

TV is my only true friend...

...and it is betraying me on a daily basis. I was watching E! last night when Howard Stern should've been on they had on their new reality TV show called "Kill Reality". The jest of it is they are making a slasher movie with reality TV "personalities". I only know the people from the Real World and one chick from Survivor. I caught the show right at the moment when Jenna Lewis, the one girls I know from Survivor, is having a really tough time with a scene they requires nudity. That's when it all hit me. The internet has been good for two things, eBay and all its awesome shoes, and porn. I remember hearing about a sex tape she had leaked to the 'net. Now, the question is, "Are you really having a hard time doing this scene, Jenna?" She didn't seem to have a hard time having oral sex and spitting its result at the camera on that tape. So, I guess my point is this. If you name your kid Jenna, she is going to be on film somewhere doing something degrading. So, keep you eyes peeled, Matt. She (check out the bra!) could be next.

It is true...

SO TRUE!

A Global Freak Out!

I got a wierd vibe up my ass and decided to surf the blog-o-sphere. My goal was to find as many blogs in a foreign language and make comments on them. It sounds weird but when this international comic book nerd reads my comments I think he'll look at America differently.

Why Do I Have to be Broke?

I am a sneaker freak! I love finding insane looking sneakers that make people go HUH! However, these are effin' AWESOME!

Must Help at High School Parties...

So, I was watching The Andy Milonakis Show on MTV the other day. The show is borderline unwatchable, but I have been known to watch a pit bull have sex with an old truck tire. So, let us just say I gave it a couple of minutes. It had a couple of moments. He had a sketch call "Jesus Kitty", where a kitten produces enough bread and fish for the masses. I laughed at that. I thought that was a complicated little sketch for such a young man to do. Now, I find out the "kid" is 28 years old! Look at him. I guess he has that Emanuel Webster disease or something. Also, I wonder how long it will be until MTV just gives up on the whole concept of music, and when does The Real World just become hardcore porn. It'll happen.

Love means...

...never having to say your sorry. But, this means somebody owes THE North Carolina State University an apology. U.N. Sissy, I can wait all day. You know what, fuck your apology. We'll just beat the ever living shit outta ya! I think this calls for a little:

• We're the Red and White from State
  And we know we are the best.
  A hand behind our back,
  We can take on all the rest.
  Come over the hill, Carolina.
  Devils and Deacs stand in line.
  The Red and White from N.C. State.
  Go State!

Bad Joke of the Day

Q: What is the difference between a cooked chicken and a pregnant lady?

A: You can always debone a chicken.

Judge Dread

Last night, Pres. G. W. Bush nominated John Roberts (easily the most boring name in the world) to become the next Justice in the highest court in the galaxy. His approval is based on his survival of a congressional shitstorm, where the Capitol Hill Leftys will try to find as much dirt as they possibly can on him to paint him as a bad dude. However, like we saw with Anita Hill and Justice Long Dong Silver, it won't stop a thing. So, before actual facts come out about the Justice-to-be here are some that I found out:

• While presiding over the Northern Virginia Court of Appeals, Judge Roberts released Ronald Taft Dobbs, a convicted sex offender. Mr. Dobbs was arrested a month later for pressing his penis up against a bus windows. Thus exposing himself to dozens of school children.
• Judge Roberts was caught with over $2,000 of undeclared jewelry in his bag from a trip to Aruba this past fall. As of today, he has yet to pay the U.S. Custom Dept.'s $150 fine.
• Judge Roberts is an avid hunter, however last year he paid a Chinese game warden $4,000 to hunt a Giant Panda. What is worse, he wanted an even fight so he hunted the Panda nude, and with his bear hands. Luckily, the Panda hunt was stopped when local villagers pulled Judge Roberts off of the Panda. He apparently was trying to hug it to death from behind.
• Though he was only in his early twenties, and an American national, Judge Roberts was a high ranking colonel in Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge. Prime Minister Pot called him, "brutal, yet completely lovable".
• And as his age is still an issue, in 1958, at the tender age of three, Judge Roberts helped to hide dozens of Nazi war criminals in his parents' Buffalo home. Josef Mengle recounted on his death bed, "Lil' John would come down to the basement with Rice Krispie treats and Tang. Oh, how he loved Tang. He told me, 'This is the stuff that our Astronauts will drink someday.'"
• To make matter worse, at my annual Above-Ground-Pool Clambake. He took my last Miller High Life in my cooler. Then he tried to play it off, like he didn't know it was my cooler. Which is total bullshit, because I was the only one there with a red Hulkamanina cooler.
  

So, Good Luck John Glover Roberts! You are gonna need it.

Bad Joke for the Day

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the little white fluffball and sez, "What will it be, sir?" The baby seal sez, "I'll have any thing except a Canadian club."

"Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down!"

I had a film-tastic weekend. I watched "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle" for the umpteenth time. Hence the title of my post. And yesterday I saw what will become the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, "Wedding Crashers". And, yes it was all that and a bag of Lay's Salt-n-Vinegar Chips with a French onion dip on the siiiiide! You are treated to Dwight Yoakam doing what he does best, quietly giving you an awesome performance, in the first minute of the film. He establishes the mood and pace of the film right off the bat. What is that mood and pace you ask? FALL OUT YOUR SEAT FUNNY! I don't want to ruin it for anyone so I'll just get to the meat of this post. How many actors can you not think of who can effin' own a movie with just a phrase? When I say not think of, I mean B-lister. Neil Patrick Harris in "...White Castle" is one. The guy did it in "Undercover Brother", too. Dwight Yoakam is the same way. He made "Panic Room". A white guy named Raoul with a pension for violence? What! I don't even want to think of "Sling Blade" without Dwight. These guys just show up in a movie and it makes you feel like something is actually right in this crazy mixed up world.

He'll Flip Ya! Fa Real!

So Matt and I have agreed to disagree (see the comments). We'll just have to save this debate for 1:32 AM at a bar after 14 whiskey sours. That way neither one of us can make a good point. Here is something you cannot debate. This is a bad move. I don't know who is really running the effing Lakers, but it ain't Buss and Kupchak. However, Kupchak did go to UNC so maybe he learned how to make bad decision there. Does Phil Jackson's triangle offense really need that much of a waste of space at center to work? (READ: Bill Cartwright, Bill Wennington, Bison Dele, and Luc Longley) Is Kobe really all that paranoid that about losing scoring opportunities as to run off both the Lakers guards, too? Do I really give a rats ass about the L. F'N A. Lakers? Well, no, but I know I could make a better move then that. That is my point. How many people out there actually believe they could do a better job then the actual front office of a sports franchise? Frequent poster, Tits does. He does so much that he is leaving his job to get a degree in such a field. Not so frequent poster, Big Series does, too. He left his job, city, and girlfriend to follow his goals. So, maybe the sports world will be a better place with those two in the front office. OH! and when you guys get there, hook me up with a job.

I am as P.C. as the next man....

...if the next man is a redneck. I know that by parlaying a stereotype for my last post was flat out racist. I know saying "a little racist" is comparable to saying "a little gay", there is no little about it. I was trying to paint the picture a little lighter then it is. I am not anti-semitic. Hackney as it may sounds, some of my best friends are Jews. I know it was wrong and I apologize. I try to stay away from political post, because I am too stupid to comment on them logically. However, on this issue I do know a little something. I do not agree with Israel and what it has been doing. Everyone paints them as the great victims in this Palestinian-Israeli conflict, but they have more then enough blood in their hands. The way they are going about things is wrong and unjust. But, I guess a few bad apples do really spoil the whole bushel. Just like when you were in elementary school and the one kid screwed everyone out of recess, and now the entire class has to sit with their heads down on the desks. This is the same as settlers in American and what happened to the Native Americans, or the Afrikaners and the Blacks South Africans and "Coloureds" (people of non-white decent). Ironically, I found a quote from an S. African born Israeli Abba Eban that kind of sums up my frustration, "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

Stereotypes Make Judging People Easier

So as we await the Gaza pull out, the Israelis have decided to look to America to split the bill for it. I know this is a little racist, but Jews trying to stick the bill to someone else? Hmmm, sound like someone is living up to their stereotype. Bush had better not try to take Sharon to T.G.I. Fridays or else the American taxpayer will be forced to pay for all those Bubblegum Margaritas Ariel likes so much. Also, they are moving 8,000 settlers. How is that gonna cost $2.2 billion dollars? What kind of U-Hauls are they using?

Got 10 minutes to waste?

Yeah? Then, here.

Days of Wine and Roses

Day Two of London Calling: So, J-MO (the perpetual terrorist worry wart) sez to me yesterday, "All we are gonna here about is London for the next couple of weeks, and already I am sick of it." This pissed me off to no end. I began to think waaaaaay back to what I was doing during the September 11 Attacks. I was living in Casa de Drunk-n-Smoke with J-Biz and three other dudes. I remember the sickening feeling I had when I realized my sister lived in NYC. I remember the absolute rage I had for all those hijacking cowards, who were too scared to actually chanlenge America face-to-face. Or me face-to-face. I remeber going to Visart and renting the worst movies ever made, just so I could try to forget. Try to escape from the fact that the Eden that was American on 9-10-2001 is no longer there. Although I am not really mad at J-MO, I do say this, "FUCK YOU!"

London Calling

Hey London, you won the 2012 Olympic and you are hosting the G8 Summit, here's your own honorary terrorist attack. Now, you too can live in paranoia like Spain, Austrialia, and the U. S. of Mother Effin' A. However, did anyone happen to notice that Richard "Nike Bombs" Reid was tried and convicted already? No? Me neither, but it happend. Richie "I wish I was a terrorist" Reid claimed that he was at war with the U.S., although he is a British national. He also made his praise to Allah. The Federal Judge "Not Dredd" Young addressed the lil' fella like this after dropping 80 years on his ass:

"Let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much war talk here and I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, we deal with individuals as individuals and care for individuals as individuals.
As human beings, we reach out for justice.
You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do it or your attorney who does it, or if you think you are a soldier. You are not----- you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not meet with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice. So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You're no warrior. I've known warriors. You are a terrorist. A species of criminal that is guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV crews were, and he said: "You're no big deal." What your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today?
I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing. And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you, but as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know. It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very wind carries freedom. It carries it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see, that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges. We Americans are all about freedom. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here. Day after tomorrow, it will be forgotten, but this, however, will long endure. Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America, the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice. See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America. That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That
flag stands for freedom. And it always will. Mr. Custody Officer. Stand him down."

I wonder how much he'll be praising Allah when he is getting gang rape my the Aryan Nation in the shower after being sold by the Latin Kings for a carton of cigarettes. Also, I am soooo glad we have crazy-ass Tom Cruise and Benn-ifer so the media can forget about the fact that these azzholes are still out there. It gave London a moment to forget and we see what happens then. STAY VIGILANT!

America. FUCK YEAH!

So, July 4th has come and gone. I went to a lovely cook-out at J-Biz's house. The High Life and coversation were bubbly. Towards the end of the evening when Matt stubbled in from the Garden Party State, I had to be more competiitve with my comments. I grew up in a fairly loud house and if you didn't blurt out what you had to say then you didn't get heard. This holds true to this very day. I, believe it or not, stay rather quite at Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner. However, I formed the speech defect because of this. I try to say what I am thinking well before it was thought out. I often switch letters with other letters and in heat of a good old fashioned toe-to-toe smartass comment-off, it can almost sound like I am speaking a foreign language. It is AWFUL when I am drinking, too. (And, I am always drinking in those kinds of situations.) Now, why to I preface this? Because I have a language fetish. I love hearing new words, of hearing old words used in an interesting fashion. I love buthcering the English language. I love sayings that make no sense. The one that has become of particular interest to me it the statement "How come they can put a man on the moon, but..." I find this interesting to me because it is never anyting earth shattering. It is always something like "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a clean smelling shampoo for my pubic lice." Or, "How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a low-fat mayo that taste good." I mean, I think with all the things our government has to deal with they could at least ban this phrase unless it is talking about nuclear war or genocide. How come they can put a man on the moon, but they cannot stop knuckleheads from sayin' "How come they can put a man on the moon, but...". DAMN!

Why we Lost the Vietnam War....

Say what you want about the Viet Cong. The real reason we didn't obtain ultimate victory in the Vietnam War was because it was in the Mekong Delta. Why is this suggnifgent? Because the effing Mekong River has this swimming all up in it! Whisky Tango Foxtrot! Where is the stink bait, Cletus?!

Waiting for Free Agency...

So, I didn't get drafted last night. I think my size and lack of big time experience was a major factor. But it does give me an excuse to make a mock stat sheet. It will also give me a Fat Fest update:
Name: Rochester F. Binghampton
Height: 6' 0.5" (J-MO measured)
Wingspan: 6' 1.5" (J-MO measured)
Weight: 201.5 lbs
Birthday: Dec. 16, 1978
High School: Chapel Hill High School
College(s): College of Charleston, Durham Technical Community College, and NC State
NBA Comparison: Bill Lamibeer, Jack Sikma, Brad Lohaus, Danny Ferry (circa 2000), Darko.
Favorite Food: Prime Rib
Music: Bumblebeez 81
Movie: Anchorman
Book: anything by Chuck Palahniuk
G'Ma in Crazy Hat: Yes

That was fun. Now you do one....

American Spells Champion S-P-U-R-S!

That is right! The trophy has left West Baghdad, aka Detorit, and come back to San Antonio. I am a little hungover, so I'll try to keep this short. One, Rasheed Wallace looks like he is homeless. Two, Larry Brown is a dick (I'll go into more detail on my next post). Three, Tim Duncan is the only good thing to come out of Wake Forest. Four, I love when athletes have hot girlfriends/wives, becuase when I need to look at some ladies they always flash to them in the crowd. Tony Parker has Eva Longoria. My favorite of all time is Matt Williams, former D-Back 3B, and his now ex-wife, Michelle "Blame It On Rio" Johnson. Whoa man! Five, suck it Detroit. Suck it! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS! WE AM THE CHAMPIONS O' DA WORLD!

This should not be funny to me...

This is horrible. Yet, I could not help, but wonder what big fans of the show his parents were. Also, if there is any foul play involved, then I think I know who did it. I bet, she is hiding out at 227.

A ? for Tons-A-Fun...

I know I never did, but I could not think of the people who did. So, Tons-A-Fun, how many people hooked up in your van, including yourself? They should've called that thing the Dodge Brothel.

The Sweet Release of Death...

Up until I dominated my Philosophy test today, I was thinking about ending it all. I decided against it, because Hillary Duff has a new movie out. And if the Wake County Militia doesn't have a picket line outside of the theater, then who will? I had a moral obligation. However, the question arose, "How would you kill yourself?" This place gave me a few ideas. I'll just save the day I do a Cadbury Surprise, until I am 73 and have a cat with leftist tendencies, named Chairman Meow.

Amino Acid

So, as I was running today the only thing bouncing in my head was the beginning of 50 Cent's "At The Club". Of course, my A.D.D. self starts to think if I looked like the badass that he looked like in the video. Then, my mind starts to wander to the biggest badasses in film history. Here is who I thought up:

10. Melvin Spivey (Dazed & Confused): Also, known as the black guy. He didn't do anything particularly badass, but you know that of O'Bannon ever pulled any sheet on him. (shivers) Something awful would happen.
9. Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction): The role that defined Samuel Jackson. Badass perm. Badass sideburns. Talks like a badass. Badass gun. Has badass mofo written on the outside of his wallet. The prototypical badass, until he decides to get out the game. Quitters never win, Jules.
8. Private Reich (Ravenous): SPOILER ALERT He is dead. He is stabbed, falls off a fvcking cliff, lands on some spikes, yet still has just enough strength to try to kill the coward who didn't shot his killer. Sprechen Sie Badass!
7. Blain (Predator): One quote sums up Jessie "The Mind" Ventura's character: "I ain't got time to bleed."
6. Brian Fantana (Anchorman): "People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang. " SHO-NUFF!
5. Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas): Is that how Joe Pesci is all the time? He is half the size of everyone, yet everyone is sheet scared of him. Here's a little Binghampton family secret; I am, too.
4. Nicky Santoro (Casino): Really, the same character as above, only more violent. He'll beat or stab you with the random object of choice. Phone? Okay. Wad of cash? No problem. Pen? Sure! He is the used car salesman of ass kickings. He lost major points for whimpering like a nine-year old while he dies in a ditch. That is a a badass faux paus.
3. Sgt. Elias Grodin (Platoon): Can a badass be morally sound in the battlefields of Veitnam? Yup. Just ask the 30 or so Veit Cong that get popped in his single-handed assault on a bunker complex. In all fairness, all Army Rangers are badasses.
2. SSgt. Bob Barnes (Platoon) How do you one up a badass? SPOILER ALERT Frag his ass! That is exactly what Barnes did. He has so many badass lines from that I can't type 'em. So here is what Rhah says about Sarge Bob: "Wrong? You ain't never been right, about nothing! And dig this you assholes, and dig it good. Barnes has been shot seven times and he ain't dead, does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die! The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes." Delicious
1. Animal Mother (Full Metal Jacket): He would have eaten Sergeant Hartman alive if he were on Paris Island with him. His helmet has "BECOME DEATH" painted on it. He carries a M-60 like it was a loaf of bread and he wants to fight everyone, V.C., N.V.A., and Americans. Much like Barnes he has too many quotes to types, so here is what Eightball has to say about him: "Believe it or not, but under fire, Animal Mother can be a wonderful human being. All he needs is somebody throwing grenades at him 'til the end of his life. " Also, ANIMAL MOTHER is a awesome nickname.

Did I miss someone? Let me know.

Soccer is still for pussies...

but, this is pretty funny. I came across it while gazing at the WKNC website.

Tale of the Tape...

Rochester: (as of 12:00 PM 6-19-2005)
Height: 6'O"
Waist: 36"
"Ideal Weight": 187 lbs
Actual Weight: 204.5 lbs

Let the games begin. Oh and Tons-a-Fun, do your folks still have that body fat scale? I want it.

Hotter Than June...

"A fetish ain't a fetish if you do it everyday" My buddy Tommy Lawless said that. With that being said I have always had an attraction to female athletes. Jen Capriati, Sue Bird, Ginger Faerber (There you go, Mom), Mary Pierce, Tisha Venturini, and the list goes on forever. So, last night MTV aired a lesbian Room Raiders. So, right there they had my attention. Then, the girls involved in it were foxy athletic types. I was waiting for God to strike down with vengence because I had found heaven on channel 53. Then, MTV aired right after it Making the Video for Jessica Simpson's new cover for the Dukes of Hazard movie. She maybe dumb. She may make crappy music. But, I will fight any man to the death who sez she is not hot. And if you see the video, then you'll fight just same. Even you, Annie.

Fat Guys in Little Coats...

The gauntlet has been tossed. Now, the three day debate on how things should be scored. I was trying to think up a equation, when I should have been listening to the pyscho-babble of Intro to Philosophy. I thought total weight loss percentage (x) plus loss in measured waist line (y) plus loss in measured neck line (z) should equal out overall score (A). [x+y+z=A]. Or we can use your percentage lost (x) subtracted by how far off you are from the "ideal weight" (v) plus your measured waist line (y). [x-v+y=A]. We can really bat this one around. I have no problems with more people getting involved. So Tons-a-Fun, if you need some motivation, then come on into our nightmare. If we are going for prizes (a T-shirt that sez "I won Survivor: Fatass") or a trophy (which by the way are not cheap) we can debate about that one, too. MB is a happy medium as a go between. So, at the approved date and time we can e-mail him our results. This would insure we wouldn't cheat, after seeing each other totals, but we are still basically on the honor system. Let's keep this thing going...

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

So, the Angry Hippie is going on a diet. I do not know Angry Hippie. However, I have found this new diet craze to be enough to warrant a challenge. I too have gain a few pounds. I wish to challenge him to a diet v. exercise competition. I need to be in some type of a contest to get myself motivated to do something about this. He can do his "South Beach Diet" and cut his drinking down. I will continue to eat with my same wreckless abandon and drink like Kitty Dukakis, only I'll start running on a near daily basis. Waddaya say? I will put my weight on my blog on Sunday, and start my exercising on Monday. Two weeks later I'll do an update. Come on, AH. I need this. I have wanted to beat you up ever since you said I sucked at football.

You Got Peanut Butter on My Chocolate...

No, you got chocolate in my peanut butter. WHO CARES? Two great tastes that taste great together. Why am I quoting Robbie Benson from a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial? Because my boy, the J-Biz, asked me which of my New Year's Eve drink creations I liked the best. This is quite a conundrum, because if you mixed Alize and Mountain Dew: Code Red together I would think it is good because alcohol is in it. Wait a minute, I bet that is good! I'll call it "Fire in the Hole" Lord, why have you given me these powers of mixology? They both have their merits. The Orange Genuis (equal parts Orange Juice, Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum and Seven-Up over ice) and the Milwaukee Mimosa (same as a Mimosa, but you use the Champange of Beers, High Life, instead of faggy French champange) have the same quality to them. They will get you drunk. However, the Milwaukee Mimosa was created as a punch line to a joke, which does not take away from its awesomeness, while the Orange Genuis was created because my friend, Big Series, and I have A.D.D. and wanted to get drunk faster. So, in a barroom brawl in my liver, the Orange Genuis wins, but just narrowly.

MATT IS DUMB: FIRST BLOOD PT. 1...

Poor Matt. He is not as smart as he thinks he is. He could not make it to the bigs. There will be no Tournament of Champions for my little man. Before he can tell us why he really did not get on Jeopardy, let's do it the blogger way, make up lies with absolutely no evidence. Here are a list of reasons he couldn't cut the proverbial mustard:

1. He confessed that his knowledge in the "Potent Potables" catergory consisted of drinks made with High Life and/or rubbing alchohol. When informed there was no such drinks as the Milwuakee Mimosa or Kitty Dukakis-atini, he flew off the handle and slapped the test giver.
2. When given the "Football's Greatest" catergory, he kept giving his falg football stats. He was told those stats are now worthless, and then he flew off the handle and dry-humped the test giver.
3. He asked the test giver if he had to "go all Trebek" to get on the show. He then stated he won't "grow no faggy mustache" or "say a-boot". For no reason he flew off the handle and waved a nasty finger at the test giver.
4. He asked if the fact that he has had sex with a woman would keep him off the show. When he was told it would, he flew off the handle, yelling "Damned devil women! Always after my seed!" and gave a DDT to the test giver.
5. While other test takers showed up wearing Cosby Sweaters and ties, Matt showed up wearing his favorite William of Orange mesh tank top and wooden shows. They refused him entry to the test and told him to go stick his finger in a dyke. He then flew off the handle and shoved his finger into Tyne Daly.

All joking aside, way to make it that far, Matt. If you want you can borrow my Playstation game of Jeopardy and bone up for next year.

Was He Really All That Tricky?

So, Deep Throat is out, and let me tell you that old guy looks like he could gobble up 12-inches and still be begging for more. However, all this talk of Watergate brings up a fairly interesting question, "Was Richard Nixon all that bad?" Really think about it. I can think of only two things he did that were all that bad. One, the secret bombing in Cambodia was a borderline war-criminal offense. And two, breaking into a hotel to find dirt on an oppenent. Other than that, what? I am asking because I am a little dumb on the man and only hear the same old sheet. And compare and contrast him to any President and you'll see what I mean. Tell me about it.

Why I go to School Here...

I go to THE North Carolina State University for high grade learning I get. However, I also root rabidly for our sports teams. With this being said, did they really need to tell us this crap?

Junk Mail is Scary.

I am constantly getting junk mail sent to me at the Rightist Wilderness Compound. The one that scares me the most are the missing children fliers. I am not scared of missing children, because most of them are kind of sexy. Damn you, Jen Capriati! The scary part is that on the other side is usually a carpet cleaning service. I find this to be a rather pessimistic view of the fliers ability to aid in finding that child. However, I guess if all else fails and the child is dead somewhere at least the kidnapper has a chance to clean up after his/herself. But, is this really the kind of target marketing carpet cleaning company's should be going for?

Careful of what you google...

A quick lil' side note. As I was googling "smores" looking for an image to link to, and this lil' beauty popped up. WTF!

I was promised hot chicks...

So, the Militia was planning to have our annual bake sale this past Saturday. I usually make my own creation, "Smore Brownies". They sell very well. Anyway, I could not make it. I was off to a friend's engagement party. Let me preface this with this little story. When I heard of this engagement party, I was told, "Rochester, you have to come. I'll be inviting some of my hot single teacher friends." So, of course, I went, with a 30% chance of rain and a 100% chance of hot single ladies. Upon arrival at the party I quickly realized that like the rain, the hot SINGLE friends I was promised were not there. Not only that, I was the only unattached person there. I think even the babies had a lil' sumtin' on the side. How does someone do this? I grabbed a hot dog, a beer, and proceeded to go all Yellowstone (blow up deep inside myself).

Epilogue: The bake sale came up $20 short. The exact amount my Smore Brownies would've brought in. It looks like all the students in the Rightist Wilderness Compound Prep School won't be getting their own copies of The Turner Diaries this year.

Three Episodes of Sheet...

What the hell are you talking about, Matt? Star Wars: Episode III was awful. It was like the movie was written by a third grader from an inner city school. And that third grader is illiterate. Oh, and doesn't talk to people, because he is afraid the words that come out of his mouth will be made fun of. It was just that bad. The chemistry between Hayden Christensen, who plays Anakin/Vader, and Natalie Portman, who plays Padame, was just not there. What's a matter, Lucas? Did you spend all your cast money on Samuel Jackson and Frank Oz? Or did you waste it on buying more computers to make the movie for you? I am sure James Vander Biek or Ryan Phillipe were available. That Christensen kid cannot act, and definitely cannot carry one of the biggest film series of all time. Then, to make matters worse when they finally get Vader all suited up, they ruin him, by making him walk like fvcking Frakenstein. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!
And another thing, Christopher Lee played Count Dooku. I was upset, because that guy is working double time on the nerd circuit. He was also Saruman the White in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He must be up to his eyeballs in nerd 'tang. Overall, George Lucas served up three steaming piles and took home a big ol' check. Satan can have his soul now. However, General Grievous did kick ass. And for the Sports Nerd out there, Axel Dench played one of the wookies.

I Wonder How Durant Feels About This...

This is yet another strange episode in the athletic career of Rggie Love. Although, I am not sure how those frat boys' balls come into play with this.

Trouble at The Compound

It was Saturday evening at the Wake County Militia's own Rightist Wilderness Compound. Pfc. Randy, Cpl. Husky G., and yours truly were planning a late night offense on Peace Street Market. It appears that the owners of the Market had been stockpiling Miller Genuine Draft, and it was the Militia's job to cut into those stockpiles. Cpl. Husky G. had the supplies we needed to cut into their MGD lines. With $30 in quarter and penny rolls he set out on his mission, Operation Thirsty Fatties. This left Pfc. Randy and me to watch the evenings episode of Saturday Night Live. Pfc. Randy was rather excited because Lindsay Lohan was hosting. The Militia had been running low on hand lotion, and we all knew Lindsay Lohan's Rumors video and Randy were to blame. I found Lindsay, and her large possibly fake breasts, attractive as well. But what came out as the host was a shell of the Lindsay we once knew, literally.

She looked as though she was on the Brittany Murphy diet of crack and Sweet-n-Low packets. Pfc. Randy started to throw-up. I just rubbed his shoulders telling him, "Its OK. You're not human. This doesn't effect you." It was no use. This is a bad trend in Hollywood. I like a woman with some meat on her bones, because (prepare for a tasteless play on words) I wanna put my bone in that meat (sorry). Will someone please tell them to stop this sheet?! Look at them all:

1. Brittany Murphy
2. Paris Hilton
3. Mischa Barton
4. Lara Flynn Boyle
5. The Olsen Sisters
6. Calista Flockhart (I know she hasn't been in anything this millennium, but you know what I am gettin at)

And now Lindsay Lohan, WHY? Maybe she should get back with Wilmer Valderrama and get some of that good ol' Cuban cooking. Or come on down to the Compound and get a healthy diet of burritos and Miller beer, because we don't need a skinny women at the Compound. We are like the Amish. We need wide child bearing hips. Another unsettling Hollywood trend Lindsay Lohan is down with. Hot red-headed actress going blond. Gee, a blond in Hollywood, that is soooo out of the ordinary. So, Lindsay, go back to this. Please. Laura Prepon and Nicole Kidman, you too!

What if C-A-T really spelt dog?

If you know what movie that is from, then you know that my post is about nerds. I would like to think of myself as a nerd, but what kind of nerd am I? Thanks in large part to The O.C., nerds are not quite the shut in they once were. OH, and Cohen officially lost his nerd status when he had sex with a girl before he graduated from high school. You may ask, "Rochester, what kinds of nerds are there?" Well:

1. The Overt Nerd: Typically will display he is a nerd from a distance. His gear always starts with his glasses, then going down, his Sci-Fi movie T-shirt, denim shorts, white tub socks with black high tops, or for those summer months adidas slippers. He is well versed in Star Wars or Star Trek (he has chosen this well in advance) and knows of obscure attractive women, whose fame is a Maxim magazine cover away. They may display that they are either a juvenile or adult Overt Nerd by growing a goatee. They more than likely have a hatred of the outside world, yet do dream of being apart of it one day. Also, their music choices are re-mixes of old Nintendo video game them songs.
2. The Closet Nerd: Still rocks the glasses, but will dress in the top off the line from Old Navy. And they love to sport those Old Navy labels. It is to separate themselves from the Overt. They also know their fair share about SW or ST, but they don't feel the need to tell every living being about it.
3. The Hipster Nerd: Rocks glasses, but his are Buddy Holly-style. Has convinced themselves that they are not nerds, but forgot to tell anyone else. Knows way to much about underground music, and will tell you all you need to know about a band at a drop of a hat. Because Hipster Nerd is in "nerd denial" has a tendency to drink too much. They wear vintage/old dead guys clothes and t-shirts with clever sayings on them. They are fun to be a round because they are often well-read and their quips are nasty and clever.
4. The Sports Nerd: Might wear glasses. Often wears either a jersey or/and baseball cap. Is upset with the throwback jersey craze, because the people who wear those jerseys don't appreciate the players they represent. Will bore you to tear with stats with watching a sporting event, even minor league baseball games are tough. More than likely has a fantasy team for every sports, and talks trash about his "badass" fantasy team. Sports Nerd's day, week, or year can be ruined by one of his teams games/losses. More than likely has kept his stats for any recreational sport he has played. Has passes up going out, talking to people, eating, or sex to watch a sporting event.

Now, I am a hybrid of Sports/Hipster Nerd. And I know, there are now hundreds of different types of nerds out there. So, what are some more? Leave you nerd type in the comments page, and do not kid yourself if you are reading or writing a blog, then you are a nerd.

I Don't Want to Die Alone...

I am sorry I haven't been in the "sphere" for such a long time, but exams, papers and the like have kept me rather busy. Also, I have been in a shallow depression. I sent away for a companion. Someone to wake me up on the couch when I have to be in court. Someone to claim to unliscenced handgun as theirs in a traffic stop. Someone to spilt a bottle of ripple with while watching Jenna Loves Rocco on a Tuesday afternoon. But alas, this letter came in the mail to me:

From: Companions for Life

Mail Order Brides

Glendale, CA 91201

To: Rochester Binghamton

Rightist Wilderness Compound

Raleigh, NC 27605

Dear Mr. Binghampton,

Thank you for your interest in Companions for Life. Your request is greatly appreciated. However, because of our extensive screening process, we regret to inform you that we found you unfit to purchase one of our East-Asian mail order brides. We realize the denial may demand an explanation, so allow us to elaborate. First of all, our women are selected to be future brides based on their willingness or need to leave their home country. Their attitudes and physical appearance are arbitrary to the marriage process. For example, we cannot offer you a woman who enjoys deviled ham and speed-buggy racing or who has “really big ones” as you suggest. Nor can we require any of our women to legally change their names to “Brittany Spears Jr.”

Please be aware that all potential brides are looking to enjoy the freedom of the United States and have only the purest reasons for emigrating. None that we have dealt with so far have brought “the stink of Communism” with them and plan to take over our country’s government. Also, none of the women are versed in voodoo curses or know any “crazy Tae Kwon Do mind tricks” as you have postulated. Therefore, it would be pointless to use your innovative idea of “two weeks of good old-fashioned American cleansing.” Please keep in mind that we are open to new ideas and will certainly keep this one for files.

Again, we regret that we cannot offer you one of our exclusive Companions for Life. We ask that you please do not come to our office to “pick a winner.” They are not here. We do not have a drive-thru window, although, as we said, all outside ideas will be kept for consideration. We again thank you for your interest and wish that soon you can find a partner that shares your own unique outlook and interests. Sincerely,

Adrian Bueller III

Vice President

"Virgins. I love 'em"

It has been 10 years since Larry Clark's KIDS was released in the theathers. If you haven't seen it, then you just do not know what a bombshell that film really was. Larry Clark, an on again off again junkie, ex-con, 50-year old skate punk, directed a movie way too real to life. If you look at the biographies of a quarter of the cast, then you see that they are dead. People thought it was a documentary. Of course, those people are idiots. The fact remains that Mr. Clark has continuously pushed the buttons of the film industry and its rating system. He currently has a movie that I honestly beleive will never be seen on American soil. Now he is back in the news for his shocking photography being shown at the International Center for Photography in (hold your hats) New York.
Let me start by saying, I like the films that I have seen of Larry Clark. In fact, KIDS is one of my all-time favorites. However, I thought that Larry Clark was pushing the envolpe in regards to how he portrays teenage sex. And now his exhibit, Teenage Lust, at the ICP (not affiated with the Insane Clown Posse) is getting flack for the same thing. Maybe I am just a bit ignorant to these kinds of things, and I can get real ig-nant on the subject of art. I can just put down all the hidden undertones of what is and is not art, but when does someone finally stand up and say, "Hey! Larry! Are you just getting off on this stuff?"
Also, if you have not seen any of Larry Clark's film, then YOU NEED TO SEE THEM! Maybe not Teenage Caveman, I am pretty sure he was on the needle for that one.

THIS HAS TO BE SINFUL....

because it feels so good. I have had a orgasmic feeling pumping through me since I heard this. Say, am I the only person who thinks Thomas, Terry, and Hansbourgh sounds an awful lot like Morrison, Capel, and Lang? My favorite lie UNC fan was saying is, "Marvin really likes school. He is gonna stay." I would leave school right now for a job that'll pay me 5% of what he is gonna get, and I actually have to do my own work. You have got to be sheeting me. I have to go to church on Sunday, because God has answered one of my prayers. Tons-a-Fun, you better go, too.

I follow the lemmings....

Matt, over at John Adam's Ipod, felt it was exigent to put out my Top 5 "Things That Are Hot, But I Cannot Get Behind" I love to complain and remonstrate, so I will drop the Top 5:

1. Rainbow Flip-Flops: I hate looking at feet. I don't understand the fetish and I don't want to have to sit a set of stanky ass feet. And, every person under the age of 29 has a pair. "I just toss my hair in a ponytail, slip on my Rainbows, and I am off the the Delta Gamma Blah Blah Roofie Cocktail Mixer." It is driving me nuts. I spend so much time trying to findextraordinary sneakers, that some one can call a brown leather tong "fashionable" drives me knuts!
2. Gray New Balance's: Much of the same reasons as the Rainbows. I do not get these shoes, which I rocked as a cheaper Nike alternative as a youth, became so fashionable with the college crowd. And, GRAY! GRAY! When I had NB's they were neon orange and navy blue. These could be the first set to us all being the same color, shape, gender, and we'll all be identified by a bar code on the back of out bald heads.
3. Jam Bands: I could mix King Crimson, Widespread Panic, and Leftover Salmon and get the same nineteen minute song over and over again. I don't think there is enough acid or mushrooms to make this stuff sound orginal to me. And, I hate it when kids call up my radio show asking me to play any of that shit. "Can you play any Widespread from before Bowser left the group?" NO! NO! NO! NO! I would rather light a Q-tip on fire and see if my brain will show up out of my skull. Get a haircut, a job, and move on with your life!
4. Cell Phones: Never had one. I know this makes me sound insane, which I am. I just don't see the need to talk to people all the time. People have made the world more uncomfortable by destotying their own private places. Also, you have no excuse for missing a call. Now, you have GPS, Internet, cameras, sporks and God knows what else on them. I though having a cordless phone was high-tech. AND, NO! I DO NOT LIVE IN A CABIN IN THE MOUNTIANS.
5. Chopper TV Shows: They have ruined the last stronghold of a true outlaw rebel culture. I know the bikes are cool, and I want one. (either a bitchin' Boss Hoss Trike or a old BMW with a sidecar) However, the bikes these guys make on these shows are sold for $50K or more. Somehow, the romance of the Hell's Angels smuggling drugs to keep afloat is lost in this one. And, I hate how guys like Jesse James are potrayed as badazzes. The guy is a millionaire. The moment you can buy a twelve pack of beer and not think about what you are gonna do for food for the rest of the week, you are not a badass anymore. All the tattoos in the world won't wash the wimp off your million dollar fanny.
   

Now, just like Matt said, "Go on and do one for yourself in te comment section."

A is for Apple....

K is for killing. Recently someone posted a comment under the yellow-bellied name of anonymous. One, please do not leave comments without an alias. It is weak and prosaic. It is also how I gauge who is reading my posts. "Anonymous" admitted to the fact that they could not follow my post about how Carolina is comparable to Nazi Germany. They finished their post telling me to enjoy my "nazi snuff films".
So, here goes nothing. I need to clear up some mystery. I do not condone anything the Nazi party has done. I do not like the Nazi party or Adolf Hitler. My great-grandparents was Czech and a Catholic, so that would no doubt ended them up in a death camp. I have multiple friends who are devote Jews or married to one. And, if anyone wanted to take them off to a death camp I would fight to the death. And they would fvcking die! I do, however, look back at the Nazi Germany space in European history with a prurient eye. I asked the same questions as anyone else, but I do not buy the typical textbook answers. And, I do repect Nazi Germany for two things:

1. An remarkable rebuild from WWI
2. Lovely Uniforms.

Also, I do not own any Nazi snuff films. All my snuff films are classy art pieces I got when I backpacked through the Netherlands. There is not even a German word uttered in it. Just a chick with big ol' knockers, wearing wooden shoes, stabbing guy's sack with an icepick. That is class.

The Fourth Reich

UNC win it's fourth national championship. You know what good for them. This was by far the worst coached Final Four I had ever seen. Pitino stays in a zone against one of the best three-point shooting teams in the country? Izzo decides to change his game plan at the half while his team was winning? And Webber thought doing the same drive and kick out over and over and over was gonna bring the trophy back to Urbana? Hey Webber, Mr. Coach of the Year, McCants was guarding your fastest player. TAKE IT TO THE FUDGING HOOP! Wow.
I know everyone wants me to fold on my UNC (player-hating). I cannot. It is hard to have hatred for a bad team. It is, so good one UNC. I mean, the Nazi had a bunch of victories early in the WWII. Let's look at Illinois like Poland, and we'll look at UNC as Nazi Germany. Wake, of course, will be playing Soviet Russia. Duke can be a bombed out Britain. And sitting across the pond in the US of A, waiting to knock out the UNC Nazi Party (which was the first thing I thought of when I heard "party on Franklin Street"), is the Wolfpack. So, enjoy it Tarheel fans, because it is only only six more months to the Normandy Invasion. And, we are gonna go all Omaha Beach on you mofos! Seig Heel!

UN (can't) C (me)

Since the day I set foot on North Carolina's clay soil in the summer of 1988, I have hated the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. The first fight I got into at Seawell Elementary was with a boy who loved UNC so much he would crap his pants on a daily basis. Ironically, the second fight was with a State fan, who went all Benidect Arnold and went to UVA (aka UNC-Charlotesville). I was a Duke fan. It is tough to be a Duke fan growing up in Chapel Hill. You had to have a tough skin because UNC was beating up on Duke with frightening regularity. It really must've hurt Duke's ego as they rolled from Final Four to Final Four. UNC fans love making stuff up, mostly becuase their jobs are really unfufilling and they have plenty of time on their hands. During the season when Coach K was out with a bumb hip, UNC fan said he had fone crazy and was in Dorthea Dix Mental Hospital. However, though Duke lost an assload of games that year it was still damn near impossible to get tickets for any games that year. UNC went 8-20 three years ago. I was given UNC-Duke tickets. In fact I had to start turning down ticket because I was being offered so many of them. UNC fan is abandwagoneer. NC State had its first non-bowl season in the past five years. Yet, no one in Raleigh is calling for the firing of Chuck "The Chest" Amato. However, UNC made its first bowl in that time frame. People after the first game, a stumbling effort against William & Mary (Div. I-AA), wanted John Bunting's head on a pike. But, once he pulled a win out of his sizeable ass against one my old favorites, the Miami Hurricanes, people thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread (which is only served in two places in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro area). Oh, and Dick Baddour, UNC Athletic Director, gave him a massive contract extension. Hey, one outta four is good, if you are minor league catcher. UNC fan wanted Dick fired until he tossed enough money at Ol' Roy to get him to tell Kansas to go fuck themselves. UNC fan will say Roy came back to UNC because of school pride. Roy had so much school pride he stuck around the afore mentioned UNC-Miami football game right to the third quarter. Roy Williams is not a awesome coach. He is a fine coach. His leagcy at Kansas ain't exactly freakish. He took the helm of the Kansas ship, from Larry Brown, a year after they won a national championship. (Please note biting sarcasm) It must have been hard`to rebuild that program. (End sarcasm) Now, he is getting credit for this team. He recruited Reyshawn Terry, a liabilaty in the UNC roster, and Marvin Williams, who is so good I hope the Spurs can get him in the draft this year. But, people talk about how that team is based around the Big 3, May McCants, and Felton. That class was brought in my a now unemployed Matt Dougherty. Would he have gotten them this far? Sweet Baby Jesus only knows.

Player Hater's Ball 2: Hating Bugaloo

THE North Carolina State University is no more. Thanks in part to the U. of Wuss-consin and their love of traveling. Oh, and the officials love of not calling it. I am glad I root for a team that has a decent football team. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go to Kentucky, because when basketball is over they might as well just pack up the campus until next season. No one in Lexington was yelling, "Wait 'til football season" last night. When I watch my darkhorse team, Louisville, beat Washington an observer told me I have a lot of hate in me. I thought to myself, "Self, you hate far more team than you like." The observer aksed what are my all time top ten of sports hating. So, here we go:

• 10. San Francisco Giants (even without Bonds)
• 9. Los Angelos Lakers (with Kobe)
• 8. Carolina Panthers
• 7. Philadelphia Eagles (I cheered when TO snapped his leg. I am such a bitch.)
• 6. Tiger Woods (and I love Fuzzy Zoeller)
• 5. The Citadel (old College of Charleston rival. It is so hard not to hate a fake army.)
• 4. Florida State University (They almost ruined two of State's seasons. And I am an old Hurricanes fan. Just hearing the words WIDE and RIGHT makes me salivate.)
• 3. Notre Dame (People always say hate isn't born, it is taught. In this case, both are true. BIG UPS TO BOB!)
• 2. Wake Forest (See my first Player Hater's Ball. They can thank West Virginia, because if they had made the Final Four they'd be tied with...)
• 1. U. of North Carolina (I hate them so much, I cannot look at new born baby boys or the sky without getting mad. I think I'll waste a my entire next post spewing hate-filled rhetoric about UNC.)